I won’t lie, there are some days that I think to myself..”Heidi, you are a genius”.  These are few and far between, but I must relish in these moments as long as I can.  Most of the time, I am a goofy, crazy, easily-confused clutz that is an accident waiting to happen. 

One of these particular moments came when a herd (I don’t know what else to call them) of pigs came heading to my yard.  They had already rooted up my septic tank, I wasn’t  going to let that happen again.  I grabbed my trusty slingshot and headed out the door.  We had an outhouse (yes, a real outhouse) in the yard that we were using as a shed.  I stood behind it so as to catch the pigs by surprise…..I won’t lie I also did not want that my neighbor catching me whacking their pigs.  I had good intentions….unfortunately, when I shot the rather large rock out of the slingshot, it didn’t clear the side of the shed and  it ricocheted back and hit the bone in my thumb.  Yes, it felt like it broke it and years later I am still not convinced it didn’t.  I ran into the house and into my room hoping that my children wouldn’t come asking me what happened, because they would have gotten mad at me for shooting at the pigs.  Unfortunately, someone found me.  I had to wait for a couple of hours before I could talk.  Too much pain.  I ended up having to go the ER after a few days because of the pain and how long it lasted.  What do you suppose the doctor asked me very first?  “How did this happen?”  I asked  him if I had to tell the truth or if  I could make up something else.  I of course told the truth and I thought  the doctor was going to fall to the  floor laughing.   My story was a first for him.  I guess the old saying rings true, “Just when you think you  have heard  or seen it all……”.  Somehow this story got spread around and I have not found the guilty culprit who had the flapping lips.

Yesterday, was one of those “neighbor’s pigs” days.  I will say that I am glad that no one eyewitnessed this event because it would have gone down in the archives of the family.  To be passed on from generation to generation..’Hey, remember the time when Mom…Aunt Heidi….” yada, yada, yada!

I needed a book for a homework project I was doing and grabbed it off the bookshelf.  When I backed up, I didn’t realize that the leg rest of the recliner was up and I backed into it.  Everything suddenly went into slo-mo.  Try as I might I could not stop myself from flipping over backward onto the floor. Legs and arms flailing every direction possible.  I think  I even created two new directions.  This caused the book to become a flying projectile that made my head its target.  To add insult to injury, my buttocks hit the corner of the leg rest thus paralyzing me  from the waist down for about 7 1/2 minutes.  When I thought it was over….the recliner  came over on top of me.

If I didn’t look a site.  I lay there groaning and realized that my husband was in the room next to the family room asleep and was probably awakened by the thunderous landing.  I didn’t want to look.  I knew if he was standing there, he had probably missed everything but would have wondered why I was laying on the floor under the recliner moaning and I would have had to explain it.  Then unlike me, who would have fallen on the ground laughing my guts out at the explanation, he would have asked me if I was O.K. and helped me up.  What a sweet man.  I am glad he isn’t like me.

I am messed up like that.  I try hard not to laugh when people get hurt, but sometimes things look so funny and play out so funny in my mind that I cannot stop laughing.  It is like I see everything in “AFV” mode. My kids have gotten so mad at me at times because they have gotten hurt and I can’t pull it together to help them.  This lovely inherited trait came from my Grandma.  Sometimes I curse it.

The swollen buttocks has gone down and the bruises on my calves have grown, but I at least can walk without a limp today.  If and When I find out who left that leg rest up….they are so grounded!

Advertisements