Today I went school shopping.  I really  shouldn’t have to say anymore.  I do not enjoy this activity at all.  I tried to depict my dilemma with the photo to the left.  My 16-year-old son, called “Slim” by some and “Bones” by others is 6ft 1in and is about 1 inch in diameter.  I can never find pants to fit this kid.  I have gone to every store in town trying to find him a pair.  Nightmare #1.

Then there is my  daughter Kori, whom I call “Crazy Feathers” because of her hair.  If you have every watched the old movie called “Hawmps” you would know exactly what I am talking about.  Anyway she is about 5ft 2in and her legs are so flippin’ short that I can’t find pants to fit her.  I just spent 3 hours going from store to store trying to find a pair that wasn’t too long for her.  Nightmare#2.

To add “insult to injury” I broke my toe over two weeks ago.  Walking is not a favorite pastime lately and while shopping today I could feel it starting to swell because of our three-hour trek.  While my daughter was in the dressing room at one store trying on a pair of pants, I sat down on a nearby bench to wait for her.  I went to cross my legs to get the pressure off of the foot and was sitting way too close to the edge of the bench.  Up went the other end and down towards the floor I plummeted.  In the process of trying to keep myself from looking like a complete fool or “Raca” as my husband would say, I smacked my throbbing swollen toe on the wall.  Which was still in pain from me stubbing it on the table leg at home about 2 hours earlier.  I almost cried…not quite, but almost.   I nearly found myself on the floor in the worship position at some girl’s feet. Nightmare #3.

My daughter couldn’t let me have all the fun so while shopping in the same store, we were in a tight clearance rack area and she turned to the person behind her and apologized for bumping into them only to find that she was apologizing to herself in the mirror.  I asked her, “You didn’t just do that did you?”  Of course, we both about fell on the floor laughing.   I didn’t dare turn and look to see if someone was watching.  At this point, I really wanted out of the store before someone thought that the both of us had escaped from a psych ward or something.  My daughter is blonde…I will cut her some slack.  I personally own a few blonde moments and I am not blonde.

I am grateful for my other two children who seem to have normal leg length that doesn’t cause me too much grief.  Of course I always had long legs, my mother’s answer to this…..floods.  We didn’t have that many options for inseams back in the day.  If they didn’t fit, you wore them short.  Which unfortunately I did most of the time.  This pretty much scarred my pre-teen life.  I still have this problem.

I guess to be fair to my poor kids…..I will add an artistic rendering of myself also.  I have long cellulite-covered legs and a 2 inch high waist also covered in cellulite.  I would like to tell my kids it will get better, but I doubt it will.  We are genetically stuck with these bodies and must learn to accept them for what they are or are not.  Be grateful you have legs, long or short.  Be grateful you have hair, crazy  or not.  Be grateful you have a waist…cellulite free or not.  Be grateful you have a toe, broken or not. Be grateful you are alive…because personally, I wouldn’t want to miss one moment of  my crazy family’s life!

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