I would like for you to meet Georgia and Lola.  At first glance, these two innocent looking dogs might make you go, “awwww”.  Please resist the temptation.  Anyone familiar with pugs know that as cute as they are, these dogs can get under your skin like a bad fungus that won’t go away.

We have been proud Pug owners for 5 years.  They are fun, happy, and playful dogs, but these dogs have a terrible dark side.

Georgia, aka “Satan’s Spawn”  (the black one) is a nighttime speed bump.  You can’t see her if you get up for some reason and will she stay in place?  Heck no.  If you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, let me clarify…if I get up in the night to go to the bathroom she is lurking in the dark waiting for this unsuspecting fool to trip over her and fall to my death.  This I know, I have died a few times.  It is as if she thinks perhaps a refrigerator has magically appeared in the bathroom overnight and I cannot possibly wait until morning because I am so excited to go in there and get her a snack.  She refuses to sleep with anyone in the house but me.  If she doesn’t get her way, she whines…and whines…..and whines.  I have a straight jacket by my bed for such occasions.  I am afraid I might hurt someone.

Lola (the tan one) waits until no one is watching and then gets on the kitchen table hoping to find leftover scraps we won’t give her.  I had to force her to sleep with my son because she too, thinks she has to sleep with…you  guessed it ME!  She was doing fine until we moved one son out of the room to his own room.  I guess Lola can’t stand the room without the stench of Ridge lurking in there, because now….she won’t sleep with my son that she has been sleeping with forever.  We put her in bed at night and she scratches at the door, over and over and over again.  Pretty soon, she will have scratched a doggy door in every door in the house.  Because of these two dog’s growing attachment to me, I have become somewhat of a  sleep-deprived human homing device.

Let me explain.  My children no longer need to call me to find me.  I have no hiding places left in the house.  I lay down on the couch and these two dogs lay on me.  I go to the bathroom and these two dogs lay outside of the door and wait for me.  They actually do try to come in if the door isn’t shut all the way. I will see their paws under the door like they seriously think they can reach up and pick the lock.  I go out to the laundry room and “POOF”! they are there at my feet.  Causing me to trip over them because I can’t see them with the pile of laundry I have stacked to the sky.   I took a trip to the south pole and guess who was waiting for me at the airport….no, just kidding that didn’t really happen, but I am sure it would if I did take a trip like that.  I tell the kids, look for the  dogs and you have found me.

I actually think that Georgia is wanted somewhere for a crime.  The ways she stares at you in the dark….makes the hair stand up on yer neck.  Lola has the “Have pity on me, I never get food” look mastered.  This is why pugs have weight issues.  They look at you like they have no friend in the whole world and that you will make their day if you but give them one small morsel to keep them from starving one more day.  It is messed up I tell you.

Pavlov has nothing on me.  If these two dogs are outside and they hear the ding on the microwave go off, they are trying to get into the door in less than five seconds.  If I climb into bed, I can be alone until I turn off the light.  The minute I turn off the light, those dogs are there waiting to be air lifted to the mattress.  That is because both of them are too fat to get up on their own.  When someone comes home, we have trained these dogs to bring the dirtiest sock they can find in the house to us.  Thus giving off a subtle hint of my failure to be master over the wash.  They have the knack of reminding you to put your shoes on the minute you step on one of their chewed up pieces of a soda lid.  I even found Lola up on top of my piano one day playing me a beautiful rendition of Rachmaninov’s piano concerto #2 without ever having one lesson.  It is amazing.

These two dogs also know that when we kneel down as a family to pray, it is time for them to get in the middle of us all and start tearing each other’s limbs off.  I don’t know how we have done it, but we are geniuses.  Pavlov, I hate to break it to you buddy, but you will have to go a long way to beat the likes of us.

We have only put up with their genius IQ’s this long because they look so dang funny in costumes and we are all about costumes!

Advertisements