Category: Beauty


What the?????

So I sat down last night to watch the X-Factor and I was informed that I was not changing the channel because someone was watching the CMA’s.

I am not a huge country music fan.  Never was never will be.  It was killing me to have to watch this until……

Someone has told Hollywood a huge lie.  Someone has told them that some of the hideous outfits that they wear are actually fashionable.  I would be so disappointed to find this out after spending thousands on an outfit that looks like it got caught in a chipper shredder.

I was sitting there by myself because my daughter had left the room when Natasha Beddingfield made her entrance.  I sat with my mouth hanging opened thinking, ‘Wow, even hollywood is suffering from our piece of carp economy. That thing looked like octopus tentacles coming out from under a bathroom rug that a cat ratted with it’s claws. I found this exact rug at Amazon for $16.99.  I figure it probably took about 4 of them to make that skirt she was wearing which would have brought the bottom of half of the dress to $68.  The top was pretty much a brazier with material hanging from it.  You can get a cheap one of those for $5 and material for $2.79 a yard.  So in total, I figure she probably spent about $74.

Then Carrie Underwood came out in a placemat and bubble wrap.  I figure that about 6 placemats at $4.96 and a roll of antistatic bubble wrap at $21.  I believe that would make her outfit a $52 dress.

Then there was another Miss Underware…oh, I mean Miss Underwood’s dress that resembled a  lampshade. I was so afraid for her to move in for fear of seeing her underthings.  Lamp shade new is $37.29 or used at a shocking $32.66.

I personally do not see the draw to these types of fashions.  Let alone the cost someone asks for these.  Give me a pair of nice fitting comfortable jeans, a t-shirt and some converse sneakers and I can work any runway like those poor girls that haven’t eaten in years.

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Today I went school shopping.  I really  shouldn’t have to say anymore.  I do not enjoy this activity at all.  I tried to depict my dilemma with the photo to the left.  My 16-year-old son, called “Slim” by some and “Bones” by others is 6ft 1in and is about 1 inch in diameter.  I can never find pants to fit this kid.  I have gone to every store in town trying to find him a pair.  Nightmare #1.

Then there is my  daughter Kori, whom I call “Crazy Feathers” because of her hair.  If you have every watched the old movie called “Hawmps” you would know exactly what I am talking about.  Anyway she is about 5ft 2in and her legs are so flippin’ short that I can’t find pants to fit her.  I just spent 3 hours going from store to store trying to find a pair that wasn’t too long for her.  Nightmare#2.

To add “insult to injury” I broke my toe over two weeks ago.  Walking is not a favorite pastime lately and while shopping today I could feel it starting to swell because of our three-hour trek.  While my daughter was in the dressing room at one store trying on a pair of pants, I sat down on a nearby bench to wait for her.  I went to cross my legs to get the pressure off of the foot and was sitting way too close to the edge of the bench.  Up went the other end and down towards the floor I plummeted.  In the process of trying to keep myself from looking like a complete fool or “Raca” as my husband would say, I smacked my throbbing swollen toe on the wall.  Which was still in pain from me stubbing it on the table leg at home about 2 hours earlier.  I almost cried…not quite, but almost.   I nearly found myself on the floor in the worship position at some girl’s feet. Nightmare #3.

My daughter couldn’t let me have all the fun so while shopping in the same store, we were in a tight clearance rack area and she turned to the person behind her and apologized for bumping into them only to find that she was apologizing to herself in the mirror.  I asked her, “You didn’t just do that did you?”  Of course, we both about fell on the floor laughing.   I didn’t dare turn and look to see if someone was watching.  At this point, I really wanted out of the store before someone thought that the both of us had escaped from a psych ward or something.  My daughter is blonde…I will cut her some slack.  I personally own a few blonde moments and I am not blonde.

I am grateful for my other two children who seem to have normal leg length that doesn’t cause me too much grief.  Of course I always had long legs, my mother’s answer to this…..floods.  We didn’t have that many options for inseams back in the day.  If they didn’t fit, you wore them short.  Which unfortunately I did most of the time.  This pretty much scarred my pre-teen life.  I still have this problem.

I guess to be fair to my poor kids…..I will add an artistic rendering of myself also.  I have long cellulite-covered legs and a 2 inch high waist also covered in cellulite.  I would like to tell my kids it will get better, but I doubt it will.  We are genetically stuck with these bodies and must learn to accept them for what they are or are not.  Be grateful you have legs, long or short.  Be grateful you have hair, crazy  or not.  Be grateful you have a waist…cellulite free or not.  Be grateful you have a toe, broken or not. Be grateful you are alive…because personally, I wouldn’t want to miss one moment of  my crazy family’s life!

A word to the wise.  There are some things that should never go near your face.  I came extremely close to doing what I would say is the ultimate stupidest thing I have ever done.  Got woke up in the night and like most women, was having a hard time going back to sleep.  I realized as I lay there that my lips were chapped.  It was bugging me, so to relieve one of my anxieties I decided to go get some lip balm and put it on.  I didn’t bother turning on the lights because I knew it was in my purse and that if I just felt for it I would find it.

When I grabbed a hold of it, I proceeded to take off the cap and realized at that moment that something was different.  I wondered if one of the kids had put a weird lid on it or something.  As I lifted it to my mouth, something fell and at this point I had to turn on the lights to see what the heck I had dropped.  As soon as the lights came on, I realized just how close I came to putting Krazy Glue on my lips. 

Right now, I am hearing all the jokes going around in my head that people in my house can come up with.  “Wow, I bet Dad wished that would have happened”, or “It would have been a lot quieter around the house”, yada yada yada.  Whatever.  Bring it on, I am numb to it all.

Reminds me of the time that my dear, sweet husband tried brushing his teeth in the dark and inadvertently picked up the hemmoroid creme instead of toothpaste.  I guess we are about even now with stupid stunts.

I just won’t tell my husband about  the time that I was brushing my teeth and realized that my toothbrush felt funny.  I looked down and realized that I was using his toothbrush.  I have been married for over 20 years to this man and this still made me sick to think his toothbrush had been in my mouth.  Hope he  don’t find out about  that.

The Loathing of Pantyhose

Go figure it was a guy that invented pantyhose.  Have you ever wondered what he was thinking that made him take that course in his life?  Was his wife’s legs so white that he could use them for a beacon at night?  Or did he honestly think he was doing women a favor be inventing them?

Supposedly they were initially invented to keep women from  having to wear many layers to keep their figure looking however the world figured it should look.  I will admit that in the past I have been an abuser of the everyday pantyhose.  Since turning 40, I have decided that I don’t care anymore.  Comfort is the key. 

My husband, bless his heart, decided  to help me  with the laundry one day and washed my nylons unbeknownst to me.  I put them on one Sunday to go to church. I was teaching a lesson that day and as I reached up to write on the chalkboard, the pantyhose came down.  They had been stretched out terribly in the wash.  I spent the rest of the lesson holding them up.  That was the day that changed my attitude toward nylons in general.

For decades women have done things they wouldn’t normally do all in the name of beauty. 

My mother told a story of a relative, I won’t name, who when was younger felt that her hips were not a desirable shape.  So to fix this problem, she took two pairs of her father’s socks and stuck them in her pants to make her hips look more shapely.  She  then proceeded to go dancing.  Well I think we know where this is going.  She did lose her “hips” while on the dance floor. 

Another story told was of another relative  who went out to eat with her husband and friends.  Dancing was involved and she was having problems with her slip.  While sitting at the dinner table, she wiggled out of the slip and kicked it under the table so it wouldn’t be seen.  Her husband eventually ended up seeing it and spent the rest of the evening reprimanding the “hussy” who had taken off their petticoat and left it on the restaurant floor.  This person never did admit to her husband that she was indeed that “hussy”.

I had a similar experience  last night.  Despite my hate for nylons at this time in my life.  I decided to wear some to a meeting.  Normally I would  have chosen to skip  them, but I have a huge bruise that is very visible that I was trying to hide.  By the time I got from the car and sat down at the meeting, I knew I was in trouble.  The waistband of the nylons were sitting at the top of my thighs.  If I were to stand to go to the restroom, they would have  dropped to the knees being visible to all.  I turned to my husband for support.  (pardon the pun)  He covered me while I slipped out of the nylons as indiscriminately as  possible.  I succeeded without being seen.  I think.  I was half tempted to prank my husband and stick them in the back of his pants as we left the meeting for paybacks for washing a pair of mine. You know how people  come out of the bathroom with toilet tissue on the shoes  sometimes.  I thought a leg of pantyhose  hanging out of his pants would be funny.  I did not do that despite the urge.  I patted myself on the back for that one.

Many a woman have lost all respect from wardrobe malfunctions.  Ladies, why do we do this to ourselves?  Until they make fail proof beauty aids, I am no longer buying into them.  I will stick to the safe basics to keep my self dignity thank you very much.