Doggie Buffet!

Every neighborhood has one right?…The dog that won’t stay out of everyone’s garbage?  We happen to be so lucky as to have two.  The other day I happened to look out the front window and saw one of the critters actually inside of my garbage can.  A few years back, the county I live in went to what we call the “Black Beauties”.  Everyone has these huge plastic garbage cans with wheels.  Anyway I am not sure if the dog tipped the can over or if the garbage truck did when it put it down, but all I could see was the dog’s butt.  That was a new strategy, I have to admit.

Our nightmare happened on Monday, January 2.  We thought the garbage people had the day off to celebrate the New Year. No, they showed up and  half the street didn’t have their cans up to the road.  This was right after Christmas and everyone  had extra garbage.  So we had to take to inconspicuously stacking it by the side door until the next week’s pickup.  Unfortunately “Sherlock and Watson” found the garbage yesterday.  I wasn’t sure at first it was the dogs until later.

When leaving for school, I saw a box where it shouldn’t have been.  I came home, picked up the box and stuck it in the garbage.  Later that afternoon I left to run my son up the street and saw a somewhat nicely laid out buffet on my front lawn.  Salsa, oranges and chocolate milk.  As we were pulling out of the driveway and seeing various pieces of garbage scattered up the driveway, I was mumbling and threatening the culprits.  As we got to the top of the drive, I saw “Sherlock” making her way down the road.  My son had made the comment that the two of them were “working” the street.  One on one side and one on the other, although we only saw “Sherlock”.  I watched her as I pulled out of the driveway and sure enough she returned to the scene of the crime.  I floored it to get back home before more garbage was strewn up the driveway.

When we returned “Watson” had showed up, thus verifying the “working the streets” theory.  When she saw us, she hauled butt out of there.  

One time “Sherlock” left a cow head on our lawn.  Yes..you heard me right a cow head.  My husband threw it in the trash.  Do you know how many times I was startled by that head when I opened that can?

I would like to hide something in the garbage can that would literally scare the crap right out of the next dog that attempted theft.  Something spring-loaded, so that when that lid was moved…. Although, I think I would be the first to get it right in the keester.  I would forget and open it. I know I would.  Got to put the mind in gear to come up with something to deter them.  I will market it with my crapapult and make millions.

Why did you have to see that?

My Mother, may she rest in peace, had an immaculate home.  Nothing ever out of place.  It was not always like that.  There were seven kids and she had her moments.  I remember a story she told of getting a call that someone was coming over and the house was a mess.  She had to “cram for the examine” so to speak before the company arrived.  She found the closest room to get rid of things and stuffed everything inside.  I guess that the company complimented her on how well she kept the house up with so many little kids.  This particlular incident made my mother into the “Clean House Nazi”.  She taught us kids to be clean, neat and organized.  I used to be, until I had children.

I know there would be days that if she saw my home she would roll over in her grave.  She is probably looking down on me from Heaven telling to pull it together.

I do know that over the years of having kids, I have gained a lot of patience and I tolerate more than perhaps what I should. Case in point:  A couple of months ago, we bought an electric scooter from a thrift store to help save gas.  It is mostly for the kids to get to their friends house, etc.  My son came flying through my kitchen on it the other day, almost running me over.  I just looked at him with that look that says, “Really?”.  He informs me that there aren’t many mother’s who allow their children to drive the scooter through the house.  What I didn’t tell him is that He has taught me more patience than my other children.

Well, this lead to a choice that I made that should have put me in the child category instead of parent category.  I walked through my house and saw the scooter plugged in.  I decided to climb aboard and just sit on it.  Then the thought occured to me that perhaps one of my dogs would love a ride on this thing.

I called one of them and stuck it on the foot rest and gassed it.  I didn’t want her jumping off while I was going.  Well….that was a stupid thought, because she did jump off.  Out of fear of smashing her flat, I swerved and lost control of the scooter, flew down the hall and into my daughter’s bedroom hitting her keyboard and almost knocking it onto the floor.  In the panic of everything, I forgot it had brakes.

I wish I would have been alone when this happened, but my 19 year old daughter was in her room next to the room I went plowing through.  According to her…”All I saw was legs flailing and heard screaming”.  Dang it.  I didn’t want an eyewitness to this at all.  Not even sure what possessed me to try it to begin with.  It goes about 15 mph.  I probably topped off at 17 through the hall judging by how long it took me to stop and how much damage I did.

I won’t even begin to explain why I attempted this.  I don’t even have the answer for that.

Cowboys and Indians

Anyone that knows my husband, knows that he is the quiet type.  He usually doesn’t have a lot to say.  When it comes to music though, he is a genius at trivia.  No kidding, he is amazing what he knows about bands, albums…etc.

He also has a very funny sense of humor. This is one of the things that attracted me to him. You probably wouldn’t think so because he is so quiet, but there are times when he will blind side with something that is terribly funny.

So I had a “wild hair” and redecorated our kitchen as a retro diner theme.  It still is a work in progress, but we got rid of our old table and bought a retro metal table with retro chairs.  It looks really cool, but there is a problem.  With our old table, we could push all of the chairs in and keep the dogs from jumping up on them and getting on the table.  We can’t do that with this new table.  The chairs are out just enough for them to squeeze the larger than normal carcasses on to and then up on the table.  Well at least one of them does, the other one is a little large and struggles.  Thank goodness.

This is the part of the story where my husband’s sense of humor kicks in.  Yesterday, after lunch I had laid on the couch for a 15 minute power nap.  My husband was in the recliner talking to me.  I could hear the “problem dog” in the kitchen and it sounded like she was on the table.  I asked me husband if he could see where Lola was.  His response….”She’s circling the wagons”.  Any pug owner would know what I was talking about when I say, this paints a very funny picture.  That was pretty much what she was doing.  Circling the table trying to find a weak spot to make her attack on.

I just about died laughing.    I love my husband for his quick wit and quiet manner.  He is a character!  Thanks for making me laugh hubby!

Man’s Best Friend? I Think Not…

There are times when something so ridiculous happens to you that you want absolutely no one to know about it.  Unfortunately for some those times seem to hit the news and then everyone knows about it.

Take for instance the story that just hit news in our area about the local duck hunter who went hunting with his dog.  The story is way too good to keep quiet.  I feel for the guy, but I will be laughing about this for months.  I didn’t think anything could beat the story of my brother fishing with his son that ended with them at the doctor’s office.  Seems as though when my nephew cast his line, he caught something a little bigger than he was expecting.  That would be his father….The hook went into my brother’s nose.  I am still laughing at that one, but to the story:

Two hunters were out getting their boat ready to hunt some ducks.  One hunter was in the water and laid his shotgun on the bow of the boat.  The other hunter was setting decoys.  The dog was in the boat and got excited and started jumping around.  Amidst all of the jumping the dog landed on the shotgun, discharging it into the decoy setters butt.

Now that is the story the hunters tell.  It makes one wonder what the dog’s side of the story is.

There are times when one of my dogs gives me that uneasy, hair stand up on end kind of feeling.  The “Man’s Best Friend” in my house is not anyone’s friend unless food is involved in the relationship.  Best friends don’t steal your food when you are not looking.  Best friends do not remove the decorations off of your Christmas tree and eat them when you spent a long time putting them up.

Best friends don’t wait until you are asleep and then bring in their buddies to fight on top of you.  Best friends don’t lick where the sun don’t shine and then attempt to lick you in the face.    Best friends don’t jump on your lap and cut wind that will make your eyes water.  Best friends don’t urinate in your pile of clean laundry.  Best friends don’t bring in their dinner plate and throw it down on the floor for you to put food on it.  Best friends don’t scrounge through the bathroom garbage and drag toilet paper all over the house.  And last, but not least….They don’t puke on your bed in the middle of the night making you get up and throw all bedding in the washer at 1:00 a.m.  Thus making you freeze the rest of the night because everyone else has the warm blankets.  Man’s best friend?

There are days when I would like to kick my “best friend” to the curb.

Of course….there are worse things….CATS!

Little Unknown Use for Hair Wax

In continuing my quest for some resemblance of sanity this Christmas season, I have not found any solace.  If I keep doing stupid things I am never going to recover.

Yesterday I was asked to say the opening prayer in church.  So I decided to sit on the stand before church started so that I wouldn’t have to walk up during the opening song and draw extra attention to myself.  Well….despite my best efforts to not draw that extra attention to myself, I went to sit down on the folding seat right when it folded back up.  I fell to the floor grabbing the chair in front of me which startled the young man who occupied it.  I then had to apologize for my complete and utter stupidity.  This ranks in the top 10 worst things that can happen to you while wearing a dress.

To add to my frustration, I was so excited to win a pair of snowboard pants for my son on eBay. They were Italian made and I got them for $11.  Whoohoo! I had contacted the seller to see what the inseam length was.  I opened my email this morning only to find out that I had purchased my son a pair of Lederhosen snowpants.  He is 6′ 1″ and the inseam was 24 inches.  Not going to happen.  No amount of stretching will get that kid into those pants.

I then discovered this morning a new use for hair wax.  To give your armpit hairs that piecey, modern look that is the rage all these days, apply hair wax instead of deodorant.  Of course this won’t work if you shave your armpits…(which I do).  So in that case, it turns out to be only a case of mistaken identity that  should never be used.  It only glues your armpit to itself.    Leaving you to wonder……”What the carp did I just do to myself?”

Uuuggghh!  Will this ever end???

Reaching The Lowest of Lows

So my morning has been a memorable one.  It is funny how one thing going wrong (i.e. alarm not going off) can lead to poor choices.

I woke to my alarm this morning realizing that my daughter, who should have been up an hour before me, was not up.  Panic set in and I flew out of bed to go get her up.  This one incident led to a choice I had to make this morning that I never care to make again.

Because I have teen daughters, I pretty much can tell when I can push things with them or not.  This morning was definitely a NOT.

My sons have to be on the bus at 6:50 a.m.  I have to be to school at 7:00 a.m.  My daughter is supposed to be to school at 6:30 and my other daughter has to be to work at 8:00.  So you see how one little thing go wrong in my morning and it is a disaster.

I got my sons fed and my daughter was still in MY shower, so I was forced to used the kid’s bathroom to shower.  I figured if I didn’t shower before the boys got on the bus, there was no way I was going to make it to school on time.  So I hurried and jumped into the shower in the kid’s bathroom without really assessing the situation like I should have.  I saw bottles of soap in there, but didn’t check to see if they were full.

In mid shower I realized I had no soap or shampoo.  This is bad people, real bad.  There was one bottle of soap in there and it was my only choice.  I knew given the situation of my daughter that there was no way I was getting soap out of my bathroom.  I knew she would not let my sons in there and my other daughter was still in bed.

I sat there looking at this bottle trying to pick my brain on how I got in this situation.  I finally realized I had no choice but to use this soap.  It was dog shampoo people.  Dog shampoo.  Is this what I have been lowered to in my own home?

It was supposed to be green apple scented…it just didn’t smell like green apple.  It may smell good on a dog, but it don’t on people.  I hurried and used it and got out, smelling that stuff everywhere I went.  No amount of perfume, hairspray or hair product could get rid of that smell.  Maybe it was more of a mental thing than anything else, knowing I had used dog shampoo.  I don’t know.

Even though this is supposed to give dogs shiny coats….does not do anything for people “coats”.  My hair looks like a cat has ratted it up and nested in it. It is so out of control.

Today I will avoid all eye contact with anyone thus avoiding any stares at this rug on my head and hope that no one can smell the weird fermented apple smell coming off of me. 

The only good thing that has come from this….It was anti-bacterial.  So I guess I just took care of the “cooties” that I was informed I had when I was in fourth grade.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Death By Dog

I love Sunday’s.  It is my day of rest.  No worries, no cares…usually.  Yesterday was more stressful than usual. I fed my family, put my husband to bed because he had to go into work and then I kicked back in the recliner for a little nap.  It was short-lived.

When I sit down or lay down within 1 minute I am covered in dogs.  Since it has turned off cold the dogs have decided that I am their own personal electric blanket.  Yesterday I had kicked back less than 30 seconds when they came running.  Aaaaarrrgh!

It doesn’t matter if there is room or not, they try to fit their fat lard bodies into any crevasse they can find.  While laying there, they both looked perfectly comfortable.  Neither one of them cared that I was cramping up in various positions and in body parts because of them.  Someone came into the kitchen and opened the fridge thus enticing one of the lard balls to parkour it off of my lap diving for the fridge before it shut.  When she left the lap position she was in, the other lard ball took her place within 1.2 seconds.  Sprawled out and went to sleep within 0.2 seconds.

When the first dog came back to regain her warm spot on my lap she realized it had been stolen.  If dogs could talk, I am sure a whole string of insults would have come out of her mouth at that moment.  At this point I was in and out of sleep.  Waking slightly every time one of them moved.  She decided to take the only available spot.  Thing is….there was no available spot, she invented one.

Can I just say that dogs are no respecters of body parts.  They don’t care where or what they step on.  As I lay there in a slumber, the dog who lost her spot decided she wanted on the back of the chair.  She stepped on my neck, then my face and then parted my scalp trying to get comfortable on top of the chair.  Not to mention pulling out half of my hair.  At this point I was ready to throw both of them out into the cold just to make a point.  That they don’t own the house, my head, the furniture, the fridge, the bathroom or my bed despite what they think.

She finally made it to the top and settled down and I dozed off again after giving her a “scotch blessing” as my mother would call it.  I am still suffering from what happened next.  The only thing I can think of is that she started falling off of the chair and started kicking to grip with her claws to keep herself on.  In the process I was kicked in the temple about 4 times the hard part of her back knee.  People die from that you know.

I lay there moaning because despite how skinny a pug’s leg is..it has a lot of strength in it.  Twenty four hours later and my temple is still throbbing.

Later on  my son was laying on the floor and got attacked by both of them.  They had one shirt sleeve in one mouth and his shorts in the other.  He was yelling for help in between laughs.  He called for me to rescue them.  When I got in the room, I felt like I was watching a nature show with two grizzlies going at each other.  I threatened to video tape them and make it viral thus starting the beginning of the extinction of pugs entirely because no one would want one after seeing that behavior.  I don’t think the threat was taken seriously in any way, shape or form.

Life Lessons Learned at Wal-Mart

I know a lot of people have seen the website “The People of Wal-Mart”.  I have lived “The People of Wal-Mart”.  The things I have seen in this store……

I have wondered what it is that attracts people like that and what makes them think that they can wear what they wear in public.  There should be laws about this kind of stuff.

My children make me laugh all the time.  Somethings I probably shouldn’t laugh at.  I try hard not to, but sometimes the things they say just come from out of nowhere without any type of warning they are coming.  Take for instance one day we were at our local Wal-Mart and there was gal wearing a pair of sweats with “PINK” stamped across the butt.   All of a sudden my kids were laughing extremely loud and uncontrollably.  To this day no one will admit who it was that noticed this first, but this girl had a serious wedgy.  Unfortunately for her, the “N” in the word “PINK” was stuck in the wedgy thus creating the new word “PIK”.  At this point we had to quickly move to another area of the store before dying of laughter in front of the poor girl.  I wanted to help, but it was complicated.

Then there was the day that we were in the food department and some people were there with their dog.  If this dog was a “service” dog, it was not marked in any way.  It was a Labrador.  I happened to look out of the corner of my eye and noticed that the couple had stopped and the lady was walking back down to where they had previously been.  I know this because as in the story of Hansel and Gretel…their dog had left a trail of dog poop to find its way back to the meat department.  This was messed up on many levels and in fact, I could not make myself buy any food. I had to leave.  Just wrong…just wrong.

Another Wal-Mart moment was walking past the checkout and my son starts laughing.  I couldn’t hear him, but I could feel him bumping up against me.  I turned to see what the heck was going on and he pointed in the other direction….If there was a plumber’s crack olympics….hands down this guy would have taken the gold.  I ask myself…”Can they not feel the draft?”

I remember seeing a woman one day that baffles me still to this day.  I cannot for the life of me figure out how this woman got her hair to do what it was doing.  It was standing up straight like a buzz cut only the hair was longer than what a buzz would have been and the ends were grouped in small bunches and had a small curl on top.  It was the weirdest hair do I have ever seen.

One of the most disturbing things I have ever seen, that may have actually warranted a call to the “Perv” cops.  My son and I were shopping for some socks in the men’s department.  We happened over toward an area where there were belts, etc.  and there stood this guy wearing a pair of shorts, he had removed his shirt and was looking around suspiciously.  He actually looked like he had started removing his shorts.  I thought for sure that my son and I were going to get exposed to something that we didn’t want to see, so I turned grabbing my kid and headed the opposite direction as fast as I could.  This one still disturbs me to this day.

Then one day, I got run over by a lady who was driving one of those motorized carts.  It wouldn’t have been so bad except that she didn’t say sorry or anything. She was not looking at all where she was going.  Glad I didn’t go all the way down to the ground.  That would have been awkward.  Some people should have to take a course before getting into one of these.

Then there was the day that a kid perhaps 9 years old came ripping through the ladies department on one of those carts going as fast as he could while laughing and looking behind him.  Soon his sister appeared yelling at him that “Mom was going to kill him if he didn’t stop and return the cart.  That was a moment that I thought, “I am so glad that is not my son”.

All I can learn from all of these experiences is that I have spent waaayyy too much time at Wal-Mart.  I am near having to pay my children to go to that store with me.  They all hate it.  If you think that you are weird in any way, go to Wal-Mart you will soon find that you are not as weird as you might think or perhaps you are not alone in this vast world of odd ducks.

Ultimate Alliance

“When the world’s evil combined against them, they united to form the most powerful team in the universe. There was Batman, who brought his money and his toys. Spiderman, who, though he had let himself go over the years, could spin one heck of a web. Bat Girl, brave enough to wear spandex at her age. Captain America, who brought his military prowess. Word Girl, whose vocabulary and quick wit could get anyone out of a sticky situation. And Robin, who started working out every day for six years. Together, they formed…The Defenders of Justice and Awesomeness!” – Arianna Rees (by the way, the spandex cut was uncalled for)

Well the Rees family favorite time of the year has arrived.  We seriously start planning what our costumes will be for the next year, the day after Halloween.  Our tradition of family themes started about 12 years ago.  Not sure how it happened or what, but it has been something that my kids will always  remember and hopefully cherish.  Not only that, in Halloween tradition we pick a store to go shopping at at the end of the day, yes…in full costume.  That tradition started the year we were all dressed up as Star War characters and I needed milk.  We were right by the store and my husband asked if I needed anything while we were in town.  At first, I was too embarrassed to go in, then I thought….no one will know who I am anyway and besides I wasn’t going to waste gas.  We all went into the store and got a standing ovation by the employees.  This just fueled the flames more.  We have already been invited to a store this year.

So in the LDS church we have what we call Family Home Evening.  It is where once a week we gather as a family and learn about Christ and then we have activities, treats etc.  Usually the kids are assigned different aspects of the evening whether that be teaching the lesson, making the treat, deciding the activity, etc.  Last night along with the activity we decided in the spirit of Halloween to tell scary stories.

I pulled out a couple of Edgar Allen Poe’s classics and then a few ghost stories that I heard as a kid.  One son decided it was not for him and put on headphones.  According to my children, the stories were predictable.  Of course they had heard the Tale Tell Heart.  Anyway, no one really acted like it spooked them.  I wasn’t even rattled or so I thought.  Grossed out maybe, but not scared.

We decided to play Uno and my daughter had the cards in her car.  It was dark and I had to go out to get them.  As I stepped out into the dark, clear night I turned to see a white moving object off to the right that was not part of my yard.  I jumped about 3 feet and screamed only to realize it was the neighbor’s dog.  Of course, my son happened to be standing at the door and eyewitnessed the little event.  So much for keeping that one quiet.  That one will be laughed at for about 1 week.

I was more creeped out than what I thought.  It is amazing how fast the adrenaline can pump through ones veins when fear is present.  Had that dog been any closer, it would have probably been suffering from a roundhouse kick to the knees and an upper cut to the jaw.  I don’t do scary.  I do not like being scared and when I am the whole body becomes a weapon.  That is a fact.  If I have anything within reaching distance, it too becomes a weapon. My husband works weird schedules and even he is afraid to come into the house unexpected during the night.  He is afraid of what I might do to him.  As a child I was scarred by people trying to break into our house many times and it has messed me up.  We moved around a lot  and I know of ten times someone tried to break into our house.  Some of those houses had repeat offences.  Then people wonder why I am the way I am.  Sheesh.

Anyway, here is the rest of the gang in all their glory.  From our “Ultimate Alliance” to yours.  Have a great Halloween and don’t do anything illegal.

Some Days are Just Plain Weird…

Have you ever gone to bed at night and said or thought to yourself..”This has been the weirdest day ever?”  Tonight I will think that of the past three days.  Something is going on and no matter how I try, I just can’t explain it.

I know I am klutzy and probably a little scatterbrained at times, but even for me I have done some pretty stupid things in the last three days.  Combine that with the weird and things just get more complicated.

Take for instance two mornings ago.  I made pancakes for breakfast before the kids started out  for school.  I left one cooking on the pan while I got the rest on the table and the kids eating.  We conversed through breakfast and got up, cleaned off our plates and I started helping kids get ready.  I happened to walk through the kitchen as I noticed smoke all over.  I had left the pancake cooking and it was a shade of black I have never seen before.  I am surprised I did not burn down the house.  Who does this???  Where is my mind?

I lost my iPod case in my car.  I tore the car apart trying to find it, without luck.  I got into the car to go pick up my son from school. I went in to the school, came out and sitting on the driver’s seat of the car is my iPod case.  As if it had dropped from heaven when I got up.  That was really weird.

Then yesterday, I walked out the front door only to find a pack of dogs laying in my yard.  Dogs that do not belong to me.  What????  I found garbage strewed all over my yard a couple of days ago that baffled me.  It probably came from the “pack” I have acquired.  Then I got a knock on the door  from a  guy asking me if I knew some lady.  He said that she used to live in the house I am living in now or the one that is next door to us.  Now I found this extremely odd because the house I live in now, my husband and I are the only ones that have ever lived in it.  We have lived here for 12 years.  The other house we used to live in and it belonged to my father-in-law.  No one by that name has lived in it for at least 40 years that I know of.  To make this weirder…this is the second time the guy has shown up asking the same question.  Now..do I have Alzheimer’s or does he?

To add to the weirdness, I have seemed to attract a man at school that is a good 20+ years older than me and he is a little short of a picnic basket.  He has become extremely  interested in me in the last few days and I am unsure of how to handle this one.  This will have to play out more for me to figure out what is going on there.  Just weird.

Then this morning, my dogs were acting so strange.  First of all my “daughter’s” pug, which doesn’t ever want anything to do with her, is constantly by my side.  Drives me nuts.  The minute I get out of bed in the morning she is following me around the house constantly.  She never made an appearance until after breakfast.  Now if anyone knows pugs, they are all about getting food where they can.  They hear the words, “Let’s Eat” and they think they are hearing their name.  Even my kids thought it strange that she was a no-show.  Then just before I left for school, I lost the other pug and found her curled up in a ball in the bathroom cabinet.  ????  What???  She didn’t want to come out.   I am still dumbfounded by that one. When I finally got her out, I turned and ran into the bathroom cupboard, thus impaling my gut with the corner and hitting my head on the one above that my daughter had left open earlier.    I thought for sure that the “big one” would hit today because of how weird things were going and how weird the dogs were acting.

To continue the saga, when I came home from school, I was eating some mashed potatoes and got up to walk somewhere and didn’t see the “speed bump” (a pug) laying in front of me.  I tripped sending mashed potatoes flying all over the kitchen floor.  If it weren’t for the kitchen cabinet, I would have joined the potatoes.  The more I think about this one its falls more under the category of “set-up” rather than “weird” because the “10 second rule” didn’t even come in to play for the speed bump.  She was all over it within 2 seconds.  No joke.  How can a dog that nearly got it’s brains kicked out still rebound up and get to food within 2 seconds.  I don’t know.  Baffles the mind.

I have found flies and spiders in various food items.  I have spilled just about everything I have put my hands on….I can’t stop making messes or getting into messes.  SOMETHING IS GOING ON PEOPLE!

Oh, I know…….it must be Halloween!  Full moon messes everything up right?  If only……