Category: Father


So after a few busy weeks, I am back. My life has been chaotic lately.

I also started a new blog called “Where In The World is Jay”.  A little bit about how it started.

To understand how funny I find my husband, I have never seen anyone as tenacious as he once he starts mowing. We live on a five acre piece of land which gets covered with field grass.  One day he was out mowing our regular lawn and he disappeared. I found him clear out in the field mowing. He is the kind of guy that once he starts going, he will find anything that needs mowing down and go at it.

A couple of years after we were married he was out mowing with the riding lawn mower and I looked out to see nothing but a giant ball of dust.  All of a sudden I see him running toward it and in the middle of this dust ball was the riding mower climbing a fence post. I stood there with mouth open trying to figure out how the mower got up the fence post without my husband on it.  I still to this day don’t know and neither does he.  He is as tenacious with the weed whacker as he is the mower. Many times I have seen him in the field chopping away at anything that looks like a weed.  I have lost many of flowers and plants to that thing. May they rest in peace.

So a couple of days ago he was mowing the lawn.  I went to the kitchen sink to get a drink. I looked out the window and saw him mowing the lawn in shorts and snowboots.  Earlier that day we had been hauling stuff to a recycling place and he had stepped in a horse size pile of dog poop.  We don’t have dogs that size, nor do our dogs ever go in the front yard. So stepping in it was an unpleasant surprise. So he put them on to mow the lawn to keep from getting dog poop on his good shoes. It was nearly 80 degrees outside, I don’t know how he could stand it.

I was on the phone to my sister and told her that she needed to see what he was wearing.  She wanted me to upload the picture to my facebook page for her to see.  Well I decided that that was too boring so I was going to have some fun and I Photoshopped him into mowing The White House lawn.

It started from there that we decided to start a series called “Where in the world is Jay?”.  We started coming up with some really funny ideas of where one would find my husband and his mower.

So click on the link on the side under “Family” on  “Where In The World is Jay” and it will take you to the site.

Cowboys and Indians

Anyone that knows my husband, knows that he is the quiet type.  He usually doesn’t have a lot to say.  When it comes to music though, he is a genius at trivia.  No kidding, he is amazing what he knows about bands, albums…etc.

He also has a very funny sense of humor. This is one of the things that attracted me to him. You probably wouldn’t think so because he is so quiet, but there are times when he will blind side with something that is terribly funny.

So I had a “wild hair” and redecorated our kitchen as a retro diner theme.  It still is a work in progress, but we got rid of our old table and bought a retro metal table with retro chairs.  It looks really cool, but there is a problem.  With our old table, we could push all of the chairs in and keep the dogs from jumping up on them and getting on the table.  We can’t do that with this new table.  The chairs are out just enough for them to squeeze the larger than normal carcasses on to and then up on the table.  Well at least one of them does, the other one is a little large and struggles.  Thank goodness.

This is the part of the story where my husband’s sense of humor kicks in.  Yesterday, after lunch I had laid on the couch for a 15 minute power nap.  My husband was in the recliner talking to me.  I could hear the “problem dog” in the kitchen and it sounded like she was on the table.  I asked me husband if he could see where Lola was.  His response….”She’s circling the wagons”.  Any pug owner would know what I was talking about when I say, this paints a very funny picture.  That was pretty much what she was doing.  Circling the table trying to find a weak spot to make her attack on.

I just about died laughing.    I love my husband for his quick wit and quiet manner.  He is a character!  Thanks for making me laugh hubby!

Meet My Mother

Have you ever had all the stars and planets align up just right for the perfect payback?  Well it is coming my direction and the payback will be Friday!  If I could count the many ways my children have embarrassed me…..I don’t think I can count that high.  Or even the times other kids have embarrassed their parents.  Like the time my nephew took off through Kmart wearing a lady’s brassiere.  Glad that wasn’t my kid.  Or how about the time that my son got up to the drive-up window at the bank and asked for farties because he couldn’t pronounce smarties.  Oh, that was a good one.  I think of that one every time I go to the bank.

Then there was the time that one of my dear, sweet darlings left a Wal-Mart smiley face sticker on the driver’s seat of the car and I unknowingly sat on it and then walked all around town with said smiley face stuck to my butt.  Have you ever had one of those moments when you become aware of everything at once.  In my mind I retraced every footstep I made with that thing stuck to me.

An acquiantance’s daughter waited until an insurance salesman came and decided to bring in her potty training seat and proceeded to poo in front of the guy.  I think he should have gotten the hint that he needed to leave at that point.  That would be a good salesman deterrent.

Then there was my husband who at age 3 went for a ride on his bike and decided to crawl through a fence, ripping of his britches.  The neighbor brought him home in one hand and his drawers in the other.  Made my mother-in-law want to move to another town nearly.

I am sure every mother has similar stories.  This week-end is serious paybacks.  Our community is having a Halloween party.  My husband, kids and I  go all out for Halloween.  This year….Superheroes!  Well my daughter informs me she has a date on Friday.  (Inner smile)

I am setting up for the party at 5:30.  It starts at 6:30.  Her date is supposed to be by at 6:00.  (Insert another evil grin) Because of the time constraint, I will have to set up in my costume.  It is a policy of my husband and I to meet my children’s dates whenever possible.  This time is no exception.

When I started explaining to my daughter that I had to help set up at 5:30, but I would run back home at 6:00 to meet the date…..she got real quiet and then I heard a low throttling moan.  She realized that Batgirl would be greeting her date that evening and I will be arranging for Batman to  be close behind.

She was still moaning this morning every time she heard me doing the evil giggle I so enjoy doing when I am about to do something that is somewhat gratifying in an evil way.  I LOVE IT!!!!  Heee heee heee!

It is unavoidable.  I apologized to her, but not very sincerely.  I am thinking the whole gang needs to meet the date;  Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Spiderman and Captain America.  Perhaps he might think to himself that if he tries anything with her, that he has a household of complete loons that will come after him.  Works for me!  I guess this will prove how interested he really is in her right??

This cannot be any weirder than the fly I found floating in my oatmeal this morning…..still not sure how that happened.  I know that was random, but it still haunts my memory.  Haven’t been able to eat anything all day because of it.  Yuck!

Redneck Roundup

We live on a farm.  Have we ever farmed? No.  Well take that back, about 15 years ago we had a small head of cattle we thought we would try our hands out on.  These cows were fine until they got bigger and decided to get out one Sunday.  I left for church leaving my husband behind.  The last I saw of him as I was pulling out was him scaling the fence in his suit.  When he eventually showed up to church he was wearing something different.  I didn’t want to know what happened because he was already mad, but I was stupid enough to ask anyway.  He had split out his pants climbing  the fence.  We sold the cows and and partied hard on the money we got for them.

That has been the extent of farming.  We have either let someone else use the land for farming or else did nothing with it.  We have sworn off renting to anyone with animals.

Cowboys and roundups are synonymous.  Roundups involves getting on a horse and herding the animals from one grazing area to another.  This usually takes more than one cowboy to accomplish this task.  Many times we will have a road shut down for a bunch of cows.

Some cowboys are on the trails for days or even weeks.  But, not my husband.  He tried his hand today at rounding up cattle that perhaps cowboys might want to take a lesson from.

My husband’s car is the butt of many jokes in this house.  We call it the “Grandma Car” because it is the kind old people drive. He uses it for work and it truly is a piece of carp.  It has a huge dent in one side with the paint scraped off.  We have gotten our $500 out of it though. None of the kids want to ride in it and my son had to take it for his driver’s test because my truck’s air compressor went out.  He was dying, in fact he apologized to the cop for him having to ride in it.

I came home from school today and noticed there were tire marks going across the lawn and into the field.  I came in to the house and asked my husband who had been driving through the field.  He told me he went on a cattle drive.   He had come home and found a few cows in the yard.  Instead of getting out of the car and chasing them home, he decided that “grandma” would be more effective.

Knowing my husband, this would  not have been a quiet drive through the country.  He is a fairly patient individual, but even patient people have their moments of aggrevation. I am sure there are huge patches of earth torn up from “grandma’s”  acceleration abilities.   We have a few acres of land and I am not entirely sure how many of those acres were covered by him and “grandma” today, the tire marks disappear after a point.  I really quit asking questions after awhile because I figure what I don’t know I don’t have to confess to.  The next step is to buy my husband a cowboy hat, a pair of boots, some chaps and a new oil pan.

My kids better NEVER say anything to me again about “herding” with the BB gun.  Oh, and by the way….Grandma isn’t for sale, so don’t call the number.  I am not exactly sure who the number belongs to.

Raising Happy Kids.

Laundry Nightmares

When my husband and I first got married, we had no washer and dryer.  Some days I would get off  work and pick him up at his parents house where he had been doing laundry all day.  I have to give him huge props for this because…..his mother didn’t have a conventional washer.   You guessed it, she had one of those old ringer washers.  I couldn’t believe it when my husband told me he had been doing laundry all day on one of those.  We then would take the laundry to a laundromat and dry them.  Became a huge pain in the wazoo.

We finally were able to purchase us a used washer and dryer.  Modern conveniences are highly under appreciated.

If you are like me, it seems like with every child that came along I had more and more laundry to do and got behind more and more.  Hikers don’t need to spend money on airline tickets to Nepal and months of physical preparedness to hike Everest.  They can just come to my house and climb it.  It is always there, lurking…waiting….and daring someone to attack it.

Many times I have come home to find that my husband has decided to help me out and do the laundry.  I have learned not to complain about the way he folds things if he is willing to help.  My mother was a stickler for the way towels should be folded and put in the closet.  I used to secretly unfold the towels and refold them after my husband did so that it wouldn’t drive me nuts.  I don’t do that anymore.  I will take the help where I can get it.

As much as I love his help with this task, there are some serious fallouts from it.  I am not sure if my husband understands the concept of “sort”.  I have found delicates that look…..I can’t even describe how they look.  A couple of winters ago, I bought my daughters some really cute beanies with braids.  When folding the laundry one day, I pulled one of them out and well……it was very apparent that the hat was made of wool.  It should have never been put in the dryer.  It now fits our pug Lola.  Doesn’t she look beautiful?

Another good example of how the “non-sort” and “everything goes in the dryer” thinking can be disastrous:  At the time, I was a teacher in my LDS ward.  It was my Sunday to teach and I pulled out a pair nylons to wear.  All was good until I got to church and sat down.  I immediately realized that there was a huge problem with the nylons.  My dear husband, bless his heart, had washed and dried my nylons.  When I went to the bathroom to see what was going on with them, I could see that first: The nylons looked like a cat had used them for a scratching post.  Second: the waistband was all stretched to heck.  I stood there thinking, “What the heck?”  when I realized that my husband must had sent them through the wash.

As I went through my lesson, which thank goodness was in front of only ladies, the more terrible the situation became.  Everytime I raised my arm to write on the chalk board, the nylons would fall down.  It got to where I had to hold on to them everytime I lifted an arm to keep them from dropping clear to the floor.

By the time I left church and arrived at the back door of my house, my nylons were to my knees.  By the time I got to my room….they were around my ankles.  I didn’t have the heart to explain the situation to my husband.

Flash forward to yesterday.  He was home from work and I had school.  When I came home, I was cleaning up the front room and turned to see him carrying a load of laundry to the bedroom to be folded.  In it…..some of my delicates that were mixed up with jeans, etc.  Not sure what I am going to find, but when I pray at night, I thank my Father in Heaven for a husband who does  laundry.  This is what helps me look past his “non-sorting” ways.  I will just have to put the delicates in the witness protection program to save their lives.