Tag Archive: Cooking

Where Does It Go?

I have two sons that could eat anyone out of house and home.  When either one of them turn sideways they disappear.  One of them is 6′ 2″ by 6.2″ the other one is 5′ 6″ by 5.6″. So I am not sure where it all goes.  I think I lost my good metabolism on them when I gave birth to them.  Probably like most boys they are ready to eat again not even after 1 hour has passed after a meal.

Unfortunately I am at that state in my life that I am so over cooking for the “masses”.  I would rather graze than dirty a dish.  Take this morning for instance.  I tried to make apple pie turnovers…..  After the first turnover, or whatever it looked like, I decided to do a pie instead.  Hoping it would be more successful.  I spilled apple chunks all over the floor, cornstarch down the front of me.  The container that had my cinnamon and sugar mix had a hole that  it went all over the floor.  I spilled flour on the floor and when I tried to put the crust on the top of the pie, It looked like the worst plastic surgery nightmare ever.  I threw the pie and the one turnover and some pie crust cookies in the oven and proceeded to clean up my mess.

I managed to burn the pie crust cookies and my apple pie blew a hole in it that leaked down in the bottom of the stove causing plumes of smoke to infiltrate all parts of the house.  I have had enough of cooking!

After doing some waste of time housework, I decided to work on some homework.  I was about as frustrated with that as I was with cooking and was about to throw in the towel.  My 14-year-old son comes in and asks what is for lunch.  I really tried to avoid the question because let’s face it, I retired from kitchen work today.  I told him to give me a minute to finish the exercise I was on and I would try to find him something to eat.

Not even 5 minutes had passed and I hear him moaning, “I am starving, must have food”.  Then in his comedic style he starts carrying on the following conversation with himself:

“Maybe I will have to go in the back yard and dig in the holes for mice with Sport (a neighborhood dog that pretty much scrounges up its own food and has for years).  Or maybe I could go eat some weeds.  Oh, or maybe I could go look for the cow leg the neighbor’s dog had the other day.  It might still have some meat on it.  Hopefully I won’t have to go find the dog poo I threw over the fence yesterday.”

At this point I was laughing so hard, I was crying.  I could no longer ignore him.  I finally had to succumb to cooking again.  Wow….he really knows how to manipulate me.

I drew this picture of my handsome sons.  I know I don’t do them justice, but I hit the physique just about right.  Unicycle shirts and all!


Masochistic Chef

I will be the first to admit that I am not the best cook in the world.  I probably could be if I set my mind to it, but all I would do is eat all  the good food and then blow up.  So I really try not enjoy eating too much.  At  least that is the excuse that I use when the food goes bad.

I believe  this started when my children were small.  There was a great need for speed when it came to fixing meals.  I had 4 children under five years and when they were all screaming they were hungry, taking time to fix a meal was not an option.  So I had to learn how to prepare a meal very quickly.  This had its downside.  Like burning things a lot or undercooking things a lot.

I also learned that talking on the phone while preparing a meal was not a very good idea.  I remember while preparing breakfast once , I was talking to a dear friend that I hadn’t spoken to for a while.  When it came time to eat, the family started digging in and I started hearing complaints at how bad the pancakes tasted.  I told people to quit complaining and just eat it.  Well, when my husband finally spoke up I decided to see for myself.  That is because he rarely complained.  He didn’t dare.  First bite told me that I  had done something wrong.  I realized that I had put baking soda in instead of baking powder.  This was nasty.  Very nasty.  We trashed that breakfast and started over.

Then there was the time that I had baked a delicious cake for my daughter’s birthday.  We decorated  it with a Scooby Doo theme and was about to start singing happy birthday when all of a sudden and large boom and an explosion followed.  I had the cake sitting on my stove top which was gas.  Someone….we still aren’t sure who did it….accidentally  turned on the  burner and the glass dish over heated and blew up.  Glass went everywhere.  We all stood with our mouths open for what seemed like an hour and then the whaling began.  My daughter’s birthday was ruined.  We laugh about this now, but we are lucky no one was impaled with the shards of glass.  We were finding pieces all over the kitchen and family room for weeks afterwards.

Then there was the Sunday afternoon where I put  the meal in the oven before church and set the timer for the stove to turn on.  I was so proud of myself because I would not have to prepare a meal when I got home.  It would be there waiting  for us.  It was chicken.  At least that  is what it started out as.  Well I forgot I had a meeting after church and when I had arrived home, the chicken resembled something out of a horror film.  It was not edible.  No matter how hard we tried to eat it…..just wasn’t going to happen.

Well this morning in a rush to get kids out the door, I decided to have cold cereal.  How could this possibly go bad right?  Well as I sat there eating my cereal, I realized it had a funny “metal” taste to it.  I asked the kids if their cereal tasted  funny.  They all accused it on my skim milk.  They hate skim milk and think it is nothing more than glorified water.  I love skim milk and had gotten  used to all  the smart remarks.  Well I took one more bite and decided that something was not right.  Well I thought I should check the milk.  I smelled it and it didn’t really smell weird.  That is when I made a very bad decision.  I picked up the jug and decided to taste it.  I don’t normally do this, but there was only a little left in the gallon.

The very minute that milk hit my tongue, I was spewing it all over the breakfast table.  I ran to the garbage dry heaving and spitting.  All the while my children laughing their heads off at my apparent disgust.  I could not stop gagging.  I drank water, I drank juice, I brushed my tongue and still could not remove the taste out of my mouth.  I thought to myself, “I could be dying from food poison and my children are laughing their heads off”.  What an example I have been to them.

I think I will be tasting that disgusting, abhorrent taste all day long.  Just thinking about it starts the gag reflux up all over again.  I think I might actually be sick.