Tag Archive: crazy


Gotta Love Kids

You know that feeling, when you get into bed at night and all of a sudden you revert back to a child and think for a split second..”Is something under my bed?” Maybe you don’t, but many times I have found myself thinking that.

I have been scared many times in my life by real life “creepers” so I tend to have an overactive imagination with some things.

We have some “interesting” neighbors that have moved in that have made us more vigilant when it comes to making sure things are locked up when we leave, etc. I  hate feeling like this in my own home. It didn’t used to be like this.

Well we are very active in our church and attend meetings every Sunday. When you live in the type of neighborhood I live in, most people know when you are gone on Sundays and at what times and for how long. This is information  that you really don’t want people knowing if they want to break into your house.

So each week in the back of my mind I think, “They know we are gone, I hope they don’t try anything”.

Two weeks ago, we came home from church and I had just come out of the bathroom. I was singing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, or at least trying to because I couldn’t past “Chippewa on down” because I couldn’t remember the words. So I was in my own little world trying to figure out what the next words were. I came around the end of my bed and turned to go out the door when something grabbed my ankle from underneath the bed.

I really shouldn’t have to explain my reaction. It was like having a near death experience. I screamed for at least 2 minutes before I heard my daughter laughing. She is lucky she started laughing or the adrenaline might have jumped and  I might  have started kicking her in the face.

I seriously had to sit down after this. Have you ever been scared so bad that your heart hurt? My heart was pounding so hard it hurt. I sat there breathing hard and holding my breath. Like Fred Sanford does when the “Big One” is coming:

Anyway, I decided that the next time I sing The Wreck of the Edmund Fiztgerald it will be Tim Hawkins version:
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Facing Your Fears

This past week, I was privileged to travel with a group of about 30 youth and a few adults to Jackson Hole Wyoming for a youth conference.

In my mind I tell myself that I am an adventurous soul, but then some situations I get in I truly ask myself, “What were you thinking?”

Our first day we embarked on a river raft trip down the Snake River. I was all stoke for this until we actually got to the river. All of a sudden, I remembered the time I almost drown as a kid and I started getting really nervous. Not to mention that the entire boat contained young girls between the ages of 12 and 18. Then there were four women and on guide. In my mind I kept thinking, “Shouldn’t we have at least one more guide so if I fall in someone can help me back in, while the other guides the boat?” No, no more guides just Alex.

As we started off down the calmer part of the river, Alex was good as relieving our fears and told us he hadn’t lost anyone yet. This particular sentence wasn’t very comforting because I had a doctor tell me he had never had any problems with a certain surgery and guess what…I was his first problem and nearly died. So I kept thinking to myself, I will be the first of Alex’s “losses”.

I realized that as we conquered each wave, how I relaxed more and actually started enjoying it even though the water was only 48 degrees and I had lost all feeling in my right foot.

I came on this trip with three of my children, one daughter and two sons. I knew two of my children were the adventurous type, but my one son really surprised me. You could get a bracelet for jumping into the river at a certain point. He actually jumped into the water. My daughter was the first on our boat, which was not surprising, to jump in and my other son… He had to do it three times. I am not sure I would have been that adventurous at their age.

At one point my “safe” son was actually “riding the bull” at the front of the boat through the waves. This really surprised me. After we got on the bus, my younger “crazier” son informed me that he had ridden the bull through the lunch counter. This almost gave me a heart attack. I guess he figured it was better to do it and then ask for permission later. This kid will be the death of me.

By the time we ended the trip I was really wanting more river to conquer as was most of the girls. The whole trip was designed to get us out of our comfort zone and try new things. I was definitely out of my comfort zone and would in fact do this again. It was very fun.

That night we drove in to Jackson to play night games at the high school. I actually found this to be more out of my comfort zone than almost anything else we did just because of what happened there.

I am an extremely jumpy and paranoid person. Because of experiences growing up, I am extremely cautious when put in some situations. A couple of weeks before coming on this trip, we had a retired police officer come and speak to the girls about being safe and how to avoid bad situations. It was very informative and added to my paranoid nature.

While we were playing night games, I started to get really thirsty. I noticed a building by the football field where we were playing. I decided that I would walk over and see if there was a drinking fountain. Now it was dark and the only light came from a couple of street lights and some flashlights the kids had.

When I got to the building and noticed it was restrooms, I decided I was use the facilities while there. As I approached a door to see which bathroom I was at, a voice came out of the dark asking me what we were doing. I nearly died. I couldn’t see anyone and could only tell in what direction the voice was coming from. I knew the voice was not attached to anyone I knew so I was extremely startled. I explained that we were playing capture the flag and the person asked a couple of more questions. At this point I had a few red flags going up in my head. I decided to leave the conversation and continue on to my destination…the lady’s room. When I got to the back side of the building, I started getting more and more nervous. I realized that I had just put myself in an extremely volatile situation. I was behind a building, in the dark and a stranger knew I was there and I was pretty sure that a few or anyone even knew the stranger was there.

I decided to go into the bathroom anyway because at this point I really had to go and couldn’t wait. When I entered the bathroom, the light automatically came on, which kind of scared me because I was already on edge. I got in the stall and did my duty and as I was getting ready to go out of the stall, the lights went off. I nearly had a heart attack. I kid you not, I thought I was about to get involved in a smack down and no one would a hear a thing that happened. I stood there with hand on handle listening and waiting to see if I could hear anything.

After a couple of minutes had passed, I knew I couldn’t stay in the stall all night and that I had to come out. I slowly opened the door and tried to look in the dark for any movement. Because the stall door next to me was opened, it blocked any dim view I had of the exit. I stood there for what seemed an eternity before I finally shoved the stall door next to me hoping that if someone was on the other side of it, I would knock them out on impact.

After the door stopped swinging, I listened for noise and didn’t hear anything, so I decided to head for the exit. I took about four steps when the light came on. I stood there with a deer in the headlight look thinking I was going to see the perp in front of me who had shut off the light, but there was no one. After my heart slowed to 300 bm I realized it was possible that the lights were automatic in some way. This did not remove the fear I was feeling. I stood with hand on the exit door handle for about five minutes trying to figure out what I should do. Do I slowly open the door and look side to side or do I just bust out like the flippin’ john was on fire. I came to the conclusion that if someone was out there, they would be surprised by my bolting out of there and thus giving me an upper hand.

It was probably about 5 minutes before I had the guts to bust out. I swung that door open and flew out of there like there was no tomorrow, not looking what was behind me.

I later found out that this guy ending up being obnoxious and thus ending the kids’ night of fun. Which confirmed my suspicions of the guy to begin with. I shook for quite a while afterwards.

The next day of our adventures took us to a ropes course at in the middle of nowhere in Idaho. Here we would be facing our fears on a rock wall and zip line. I was really stoked for this and thought it would be fun. When we arrived, I soon noticed how secluded it was and how some of the trails were hard to see.  Now we had been seeing bear warning signs along the road, so in the back of my mind there was a small thought of perhaps running into one. As we were walking along this trail to a hidden pavilion, all of a sudden I see a giant brown head. I nearly dropped dead right there until I realized it was a brown lab. I told myself what a stupid idiot I was to get so scared and the chances of seeing a bear would be slim to none.

Well that fear was intensified when the advisors of the course told us that a black bear had just come through there earlier that morning. Geez! Are you kidding me? Now to add to the anxiety of the zip line, I was freaked out over seeing a bear. My mother’s cousin was mauled by a bear in Alaska and the story was published in a book. I had been reading this book earlier this year and decided that I would never come within 100 yards of an Alder bush. This whole book was about grizzly bears coming out of Alder bushes.

When we finally got to the rock wall, I was nervous but I had done a rock wall a couple of times before so it wasn’t too bad. It was when I got to the top and realized that the only way down was the zip line. I don’t know how I had ever talked myself into this, but me and heights have never been bff’s and it wasn’t about to start this day either.

I stood there in almost a frozen fear of how high I was and how it was intended for me to get down. I shook as the advisor hooked me up to the zip line, thinking how stupid I was to agree to this. We were at least 30 feet in the air and one had to walk out on this plank that was no wider than 2 feet and perhaps 2 1/2 long. It looked like 4 inches square from where I was standing. I climbed out on the plank holding on to the telephone pole behind me like a stinkin’ cat. I stood there with everyone cheering me on and trying to get up the nerve to go. I just could not get myself to jump. I kept telling myself to do it and just get it over with, but I couldn’t. Then I looked below and there stood my two sons, yelling at me “You can do it Mom!”. I knew at this point, I had to jump. They had to see that their mother was not a wuss.

I truly believe I passed out on the jump because it was a blur and then I am pretty sure I woke up the entire community of Driggs from my scream. I screamed, and screamed and screamed. Was it fun? In a sick sort of way. Would I do it again? Not entirely sure. As we were leaving the course to go to the cars, it was getting dark and I realized I was on a trail that was surrounded by what looked like Alder bushes. I nearly plowed over those in front of me trying to get to the cars. If there was anything that scared me more than that dang zip line, it would be something coming out of those bushes and getting me. So did I face my fears? I felt like I was the entire trip. Do I think I handled them well? Perhaps some of them, others not so much so.

So my first two children were girls. Girls were so much fun.  I could dress them up and they got along most of the time. Rarely did I have a smack down between the two of them. My next two children were boys.

Boys are an entirely different species all together. When my boys were younger, they got along great together. Better than the girls. As they grew into teens, I started noticing BIG differences in their behavior. I am not sure where in the genetic code of humans that the burping and farting in public gene mutated in males. This is hard to understand as a female and one that I will never understand. For some reason the teenage…and I might add, older aged male, seem to think this is the best way for impressing the babes.  Let me put that myth to rest right now. That would be no.

When my youngest son turned 13 something changed. Not only did he change, but he passed whatever he had on to my son that was 15.  My polite 15-year-old son suddenly started farting wars with the 13-year-old.  Two years later despite my constant nagging things have not changed.

This is not the only problem with teenage boys.  The burping and farting they are constantly doing seems to drown out common sense or deadened it.  I am still not sure which.  I truly believe they will do anything to embarrass me even if it isn’t on purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my boys and they make me laugh everyday. They are hilarious, but they come with horrible side effects sometimes.  Take my trip to town a couple of days ago.  We came to a store where they were selling newspapers outside of the door.  I am sorry, but I hate this.  I hate being  jumped at a store door without an exit route.  I have told these guys over and over that I do not want a newspaper.  As I sat in the car looking at the front door and trying to figure out how to get into the store without getting a sales pitch, my son says this “I got an idea, I will just go up and “pants” him and then when he is distracted you can go into the store. I bet he will never want to sell anything to you after that”.  After I recovered from envisioning this scene, we opted to go through the garden area and avoid him altogether. I wasn’t sure my son wouldn’t try something.

Amongst my purchases at this store was a toilet plunger. As I am getting into the car, I find that my car has a new hood ornament which took some doing for him to get it off after he put it there.  I seriously counted my blessings that I saw that before I got going down the road.  Once we get going down the highway he then proceeds to stick the plunger on the roof of the car to pretend it is a police siren, you know like in the movies. I had to put up with this for 7 miles.  With my neighbor driving right behind me the whole 7 miles.  Then he has the nerve to tell me that he wants to make a bow that will shoot one. Guaranteed, I will be the first to get it in the face.

Then the other day we went into a store. I was stuck there with him again despite the many times I have told him he is not coming with me ever again.  We came out of the gardening area and started down an aisle where we both saw this really cool green glass looking ball. We both reached for it at the same time to feel it. After touching it we realized it was plastic and that is was a toy ball.  My son quickly  grabbed it and started reading the label.  “Hey”, he says “this says this ball can bounce 150 feet in the air, I don’t believe it”.  As soon as the, “I don’t believe it” came out I knew he was going to see if the claim was true. The first words out of my mouth was, “Don’t do it”.  He must have turned off his “hearing aids” and decided that not only was he going to bounce it on the floor, but he better make sure he gives it enough power that it will do what it claims. He was standing at the top of one aisle and I started down another aisle just as he bounced it.

I looked up to see the ball go through the ceiling tiles.  This was a good 30 feet up.  The ball hit those tiles just right that it lifted them up and turned them enough that they fell out of the rim they were sitting in and came down on his head.  I personally did not stick around for the whole thing to play out.  When I saw the sky falling, I wasted no time in disappearing.

My first thought…”Dang it, they just saw everything on security cameras”.  My second thought, I am getting out of here before they realize he belongs to me.

When my son finally caught up to me, he begins to complain about the paper cut that one of them gave him on his face.  No, “sorry mom, I should have listened to you”.  No, nothing.  It has been 3 days and still no apology. Perhaps someday when he has a son I will get an apology. Because despite my hopes for change, I think the gene will mutate in his future sons also.

So after a few busy weeks, I am back. My life has been chaotic lately.

I also started a new blog called “Where In The World is Jay”.  A little bit about how it started.

To understand how funny I find my husband, I have never seen anyone as tenacious as he once he starts mowing. We live on a five acre piece of land which gets covered with field grass.  One day he was out mowing our regular lawn and he disappeared. I found him clear out in the field mowing. He is the kind of guy that once he starts going, he will find anything that needs mowing down and go at it.

A couple of years after we were married he was out mowing with the riding lawn mower and I looked out to see nothing but a giant ball of dust.  All of a sudden I see him running toward it and in the middle of this dust ball was the riding mower climbing a fence post. I stood there with mouth open trying to figure out how the mower got up the fence post without my husband on it.  I still to this day don’t know and neither does he.  He is as tenacious with the weed whacker as he is the mower. Many times I have seen him in the field chopping away at anything that looks like a weed.  I have lost many of flowers and plants to that thing. May they rest in peace.

So a couple of days ago he was mowing the lawn.  I went to the kitchen sink to get a drink. I looked out the window and saw him mowing the lawn in shorts and snowboots.  Earlier that day we had been hauling stuff to a recycling place and he had stepped in a horse size pile of dog poop.  We don’t have dogs that size, nor do our dogs ever go in the front yard. So stepping in it was an unpleasant surprise. So he put them on to mow the lawn to keep from getting dog poop on his good shoes. It was nearly 80 degrees outside, I don’t know how he could stand it.

I was on the phone to my sister and told her that she needed to see what he was wearing.  She wanted me to upload the picture to my facebook page for her to see.  Well I decided that that was too boring so I was going to have some fun and I Photoshopped him into mowing The White House lawn.

It started from there that we decided to start a series called “Where in the world is Jay?”.  We started coming up with some really funny ideas of where one would find my husband and his mower.

So click on the link on the side under “Family” on  “Where In The World is Jay” and it will take you to the site.

So with yesterday being the last day before everyone went back to school, we wracked our brains trying to find something to do as our last “hurrah”.  After a lot of thoughtful contemplation we decided to have a Nerf gun war.  Feeling like I do today, I wish I wouldn’t have suggested it. We got all of the guns and ammo together and found a place for the war.  We sat up the bunkers and made up teams.  After the first round we decided that the teams weren’t working for us so it suddenly became a “free-for-all”. I realized after about 45 minutes why they suggest you wear protective eyewear.  I was hit in the face 4 times.  I nailed my son right between the eyes once and just as he turned around his sister shot him in the forehead.  Ears were impaled, and heads were shot.  Nothing was sacred people, nothing. One thing that has been a problem with me for years is that if I get laughing, I quickly become immobilized.  I lose all strength in the body and can do nothing to protect myself.  This is a huge weakness of mine and it has been used against me many times. Yesterday was no exception. Some of the Nerf ammo has velcro on one end.  I shot my daughter in the butt and the ammo was just hanging there.  She could not deny I hit her, the proof was there waving to the world. I started laughing so hard that I couldn’t pull it together.  In my moment of weakness, my son shot and hit me in the tooth.  That was it.  I fell to the ground unable to move because I was laughing so hard, tears flowing.  It took me a good 10 minutes to get myself back in the game. Not once was I able to be “King of the Ring”.  I never could get everyone out so that I was the last person standing.  I seriously need to brush up on my skills.  I have to admit I pwned on loading.  I could load and shoot faster than you can say “Bob’s Yer Uncle”.  I had to, I was an easy target for everyone, which pretty much sucked. It has been decided that the war must have a second, third and fourth round at least.  I have to admit, despite the pain…it was pretty fun.  Next time…game on.  I am showing up looking like Rambo.  There will be NO survivors. Someday I will have to decide to grow up…but today is not that day.

My Mother, may she rest in peace, had an immaculate home.  Nothing ever out of place.  It was not always like that.  There were seven kids and she had her moments.  I remember a story she told of getting a call that someone was coming over and the house was a mess.  She had to “cram for the examine” so to speak before the company arrived.  She found the closest room to get rid of things and stuffed everything inside.  I guess that the company complimented her on how well she kept the house up with so many little kids.  This particlular incident made my mother into the “Clean House Nazi”.  She taught us kids to be clean, neat and organized.  I used to be, until I had children.

I know there would be days that if she saw my home she would roll over in her grave.  She is probably looking down on me from Heaven telling to pull it together.

I do know that over the years of having kids, I have gained a lot of patience and I tolerate more than perhaps what I should. Case in point:  A couple of months ago, we bought an electric scooter from a thrift store to help save gas.  It is mostly for the kids to get to their friends house, etc.  My son came flying through my kitchen on it the other day, almost running me over.  I just looked at him with that look that says, “Really?”.  He informs me that there aren’t many mother’s who allow their children to drive the scooter through the house.  What I didn’t tell him is that He has taught me more patience than my other children.

Well, this lead to a choice that I made that should have put me in the child category instead of parent category.  I walked through my house and saw the scooter plugged in.  I decided to climb aboard and just sit on it.  Then the thought occured to me that perhaps one of my dogs would love a ride on this thing.

I called one of them and stuck it on the foot rest and gassed it.  I didn’t want her jumping off while I was going.  Well….that was a stupid thought, because she did jump off.  Out of fear of smashing her flat, I swerved and lost control of the scooter, flew down the hall and into my daughter’s bedroom hitting her keyboard and almost knocking it onto the floor.  In the panic of everything, I forgot it had brakes.

I wish I would have been alone when this happened, but my 19 year old daughter was in her room next to the room I went plowing through.  According to her…”All I saw was legs flailing and heard screaming”.  Dang it.  I didn’t want an eyewitness to this at all.  Not even sure what possessed me to try it to begin with.  It goes about 15 mph.  I probably topped off at 17 through the hall judging by how long it took me to stop and how much damage I did.

I won’t even begin to explain why I attempted this.  I don’t even have the answer for that.

Little Unknown Use for Hair Wax

In continuing my quest for some resemblance of sanity this Christmas season, I have not found any solace.  If I keep doing stupid things I am never going to recover.

Yesterday I was asked to say the opening prayer in church.  So I decided to sit on the stand before church started so that I wouldn’t have to walk up during the opening song and draw extra attention to myself.  Well….despite my best efforts to not draw that extra attention to myself, I went to sit down on the folding seat right when it folded back up.  I fell to the floor grabbing the chair in front of me which startled the young man who occupied it.  I then had to apologize for my complete and utter stupidity.  This ranks in the top 10 worst things that can happen to you while wearing a dress.

To add to my frustration, I was so excited to win a pair of snowboard pants for my son on eBay. They were Italian made and I got them for $11.  Whoohoo! I had contacted the seller to see what the inseam length was.  I opened my email this morning only to find out that I had purchased my son a pair of Lederhosen snowpants.  He is 6′ 1″ and the inseam was 24 inches.  Not going to happen.  No amount of stretching will get that kid into those pants.

I then discovered this morning a new use for hair wax.  To give your armpit hairs that piecey, modern look that is the rage all these days, apply hair wax instead of deodorant.  Of course this won’t work if you shave your armpits…(which I do).  So in that case, it turns out to be only a case of mistaken identity that  should never be used.  It only glues your armpit to itself.    Leaving you to wonder……”What the carp did I just do to myself?”

Uuuggghh!  Will this ever end???

Every year come November, usually around the first part of the month I start to feel all of the walls closing in on me.  You would think that after so many years I would be used to it, but I get stressed out to the max and feel pulling to cord to get off at a different stop.

Many things combine to make me start feeling this way.  First of all it turns off cold.  I hate the cold.  It is pretty sad when the only things you want for Christmas are things that will keep you warm like warm slippers, onsie PJ’s and an electric blanket.  I can’t use these things any other time of the year but winter.  It sucks!

I begin to start feeling like I am being pulled in directions I physically cannot go.  Because the pulling begins all at once and never in the same direction.

When I get to this point, I start doing real stupid things.  Not consciously, I just get scattered brained and start doing things that I normally don’t do.

Like yesterday…

A guy came into school a couple of days ago needing a website made.  There are three of us that will be working on it.  Two of us were at school yesterday and the proposal had to be put together.  I was the guinea pig because I was the only one that new Excel.  This was the first big thing I have had to do since being in school.  I was stress out because it had to be done yesterday.

After about 2 hours of putting it together, when I finally finished I realized that I had to go to the bathroom like yesterday.  I don’t know if I am the only one like that or other people are, but when I am so into something I forget what is going on around me.  I decided I should run up the hall and “relieve my waters” before getting on with some of my other work.  Because I had been so stressed out, I wasn’t thinking clearly and before you know it I found myself standing in the men’s bathroom.

I hadn’t even noticed the different colored floor until it was too late.  I can only imagine the look of horror on my face when I realized what I had done.  I turned and hauled my butt out of there faster than you can say, “Bob’s your uncle”.  I didn’t look behind me to see if I had been seen coming out of there like there was a fire.  I told myself…..”It’s starting” I won’t be myself again until January.

So I say to myself, “So long semi-sane until later.  I can only hope that glimpses of you will occasionally emerge to let me know you are still there waiting to come back to stay.”

My daughter showed me this video last night that I can relate with.  I am “Granny” at this time of year.

I know a lot of people have seen the website “The People of Wal-Mart”.  I have lived “The People of Wal-Mart”.  The things I have seen in this store……

I have wondered what it is that attracts people like that and what makes them think that they can wear what they wear in public.  There should be laws about this kind of stuff.

My children make me laugh all the time.  Somethings I probably shouldn’t laugh at.  I try hard not to, but sometimes the things they say just come from out of nowhere without any type of warning they are coming.  Take for instance one day we were at our local Wal-Mart and there was gal wearing a pair of sweats with “PINK” stamped across the butt.   All of a sudden my kids were laughing extremely loud and uncontrollably.  To this day no one will admit who it was that noticed this first, but this girl had a serious wedgy.  Unfortunately for her, the “N” in the word “PINK” was stuck in the wedgy thus creating the new word “PIK”.  At this point we had to quickly move to another area of the store before dying of laughter in front of the poor girl.  I wanted to help, but it was complicated.

Then there was the day that we were in the food department and some people were there with their dog.  If this dog was a “service” dog, it was not marked in any way.  It was a Labrador.  I happened to look out of the corner of my eye and noticed that the couple had stopped and the lady was walking back down to where they had previously been.  I know this because as in the story of Hansel and Gretel…their dog had left a trail of dog poop to find its way back to the meat department.  This was messed up on many levels and in fact, I could not make myself buy any food. I had to leave.  Just wrong…just wrong.

Another Wal-Mart moment was walking past the checkout and my son starts laughing.  I couldn’t hear him, but I could feel him bumping up against me.  I turned to see what the heck was going on and he pointed in the other direction….If there was a plumber’s crack olympics….hands down this guy would have taken the gold.  I ask myself…”Can they not feel the draft?”

I remember seeing a woman one day that baffles me still to this day.  I cannot for the life of me figure out how this woman got her hair to do what it was doing.  It was standing up straight like a buzz cut only the hair was longer than what a buzz would have been and the ends were grouped in small bunches and had a small curl on top.  It was the weirdest hair do I have ever seen.

One of the most disturbing things I have ever seen, that may have actually warranted a call to the “Perv” cops.  My son and I were shopping for some socks in the men’s department.  We happened over toward an area where there were belts, etc.  and there stood this guy wearing a pair of shorts, he had removed his shirt and was looking around suspiciously.  He actually looked like he had started removing his shorts.  I thought for sure that my son and I were going to get exposed to something that we didn’t want to see, so I turned grabbing my kid and headed the opposite direction as fast as I could.  This one still disturbs me to this day.

Then one day, I got run over by a lady who was driving one of those motorized carts.  It wouldn’t have been so bad except that she didn’t say sorry or anything. She was not looking at all where she was going.  Glad I didn’t go all the way down to the ground.  That would have been awkward.  Some people should have to take a course before getting into one of these.

Then there was the day that a kid perhaps 9 years old came ripping through the ladies department on one of those carts going as fast as he could while laughing and looking behind him.  Soon his sister appeared yelling at him that “Mom was going to kill him if he didn’t stop and return the cart.  That was a moment that I thought, “I am so glad that is not my son”.

All I can learn from all of these experiences is that I have spent waaayyy too much time at Wal-Mart.  I am near having to pay my children to go to that store with me.  They all hate it.  If you think that you are weird in any way, go to Wal-Mart you will soon find that you are not as weird as you might think or perhaps you are not alone in this vast world of odd ducks.

Human Homing Device

I would like for you to meet Georgia and Lola.  At first glance, these two innocent looking dogs might make you go, “awwww”.  Please resist the temptation.  Anyone familiar with pugs know that as cute as they are, these dogs can get under your skin like a bad fungus that won’t go away.

We have been proud Pug owners for 5 years.  They are fun, happy, and playful dogs, but these dogs have a terrible dark side.

Georgia, aka “Satan’s Spawn”  (the black one) is a nighttime speed bump.  You can’t see her if you get up for some reason and will she stay in place?  Heck no.  If you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, let me clarify…if I get up in the night to go to the bathroom she is lurking in the dark waiting for this unsuspecting fool to trip over her and fall to my death.  This I know, I have died a few times.  It is as if she thinks perhaps a refrigerator has magically appeared in the bathroom overnight and I cannot possibly wait until morning because I am so excited to go in there and get her a snack.  She refuses to sleep with anyone in the house but me.  If she doesn’t get her way, she whines…and whines…..and whines.  I have a straight jacket by my bed for such occasions.  I am afraid I might hurt someone.

Lola (the tan one) waits until no one is watching and then gets on the kitchen table hoping to find leftover scraps we won’t give her.  I had to force her to sleep with my son because she too, thinks she has to sleep with…you  guessed it ME!  She was doing fine until we moved one son out of the room to his own room.  I guess Lola can’t stand the room without the stench of Ridge lurking in there, because now….she won’t sleep with my son that she has been sleeping with forever.  We put her in bed at night and she scratches at the door, over and over and over again.  Pretty soon, she will have scratched a doggy door in every door in the house.  Because of these two dog’s growing attachment to me, I have become somewhat of a  sleep-deprived human homing device.

Let me explain.  My children no longer need to call me to find me.  I have no hiding places left in the house.  I lay down on the couch and these two dogs lay on me.  I go to the bathroom and these two dogs lay outside of the door and wait for me.  They actually do try to come in if the door isn’t shut all the way. I will see their paws under the door like they seriously think they can reach up and pick the lock.  I go out to the laundry room and “POOF”! they are there at my feet.  Causing me to trip over them because I can’t see them with the pile of laundry I have stacked to the sky.   I took a trip to the south pole and guess who was waiting for me at the airport….no, just kidding that didn’t really happen, but I am sure it would if I did take a trip like that.  I tell the kids, look for the  dogs and you have found me.

I actually think that Georgia is wanted somewhere for a crime.  The ways she stares at you in the dark….makes the hair stand up on yer neck.  Lola has the “Have pity on me, I never get food” look mastered.  This is why pugs have weight issues.  They look at you like they have no friend in the whole world and that you will make their day if you but give them one small morsel to keep them from starving one more day.  It is messed up I tell you.

Pavlov has nothing on me.  If these two dogs are outside and they hear the ding on the microwave go off, they are trying to get into the door in less than five seconds.  If I climb into bed, I can be alone until I turn off the light.  The minute I turn off the light, those dogs are there waiting to be air lifted to the mattress.  That is because both of them are too fat to get up on their own.  When someone comes home, we have trained these dogs to bring the dirtiest sock they can find in the house to us.  Thus giving off a subtle hint of my failure to be master over the wash.  They have the knack of reminding you to put your shoes on the minute you step on one of their chewed up pieces of a soda lid.  I even found Lola up on top of my piano one day playing me a beautiful rendition of Rachmaninov’s piano concerto #2 without ever having one lesson.  It is amazing.

These two dogs also know that when we kneel down as a family to pray, it is time for them to get in the middle of us all and start tearing each other’s limbs off.  I don’t know how we have done it, but we are geniuses.  Pavlov, I hate to break it to you buddy, but you will have to go a long way to beat the likes of us.

We have only put up with their genius IQ’s this long because they look so dang funny in costumes and we are all about costumes!