Tag Archive: dog


Are Shortcuts Worth The Trouble?

So a few months ago, I was so excited to get this amazing bed frame from a local thrift store.  When I got it home, I hurried and put it together to surprise my husband when he got home.

I noticed as I was putting up the bed that one of the boards on the bottom was loose.  I did foresee a problem with this, but decided to forge ahead and not worry about it.

About a month later, my husband sat on the bed and the board broke off.  We were so grateful this was not during the night.  We tore the bed apart and put one hundred (not really that many) screws in the board to hold it together.  We were impressed and thought it should do until we could get a new board.

Then comes 1:00 a.m. this morning.  I am sound asleep dreaming about trying to get away from my daughter’s dog who wanted to sleep in my bed when all of a sudden…THUD….the bed broke nearly dropping my husband and I 6 inches to the floor.

My heart was pounding so hard. This by far is not a good way to get woken up.  We scrounged through the house and found some food storage cans to hold up the side of the bed which broke, which also happened to be my husband’s side.  It was not level and leaned too much to one side, but it was the best that was going to be at 1:00 in the morning.

Can I say that memory foam is the best kind of mattress in situations like this.  It acted like Velcro and kept me from rolling completely over my husband side up and over him and down onto the floor.  My body imprint held me in place. My daughter’s dog, on the other hand, which happened to be in our bed last night, kept rolling on top of my husband.  We were both too tired to get her out of the bed and I felt my husband shove her more than once “up the hill” during the night all the while mumbling unintelligible words. Honestly..I don’t think I wanted to know what he was saying.

The lesson learned from this, if you foresee a future problem, do the necessary steps to fix it immediately or you might end up at 1:00 in the morning wondering what hit you.

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Doggie Buffet!

Every neighborhood has one right?…The dog that won’t stay out of everyone’s garbage?  We happen to be so lucky as to have two.  The other day I happened to look out the front window and saw one of the critters actually inside of my garbage can.  A few years back, the county I live in went to what we call the “Black Beauties”.  Everyone has these huge plastic garbage cans with wheels.  Anyway I am not sure if the dog tipped the can over or if the garbage truck did when it put it down, but all I could see was the dog’s butt.  That was a new strategy, I have to admit.

Our nightmare happened on Monday, January 2.  We thought the garbage people had the day off to celebrate the New Year. No, they showed up and  half the street didn’t have their cans up to the road.  This was right after Christmas and everyone  had extra garbage.  So we had to take to inconspicuously stacking it by the side door until the next week’s pickup.  Unfortunately “Sherlock and Watson” found the garbage yesterday.  I wasn’t sure at first it was the dogs until later.

When leaving for school, I saw a box where it shouldn’t have been.  I came home, picked up the box and stuck it in the garbage.  Later that afternoon I left to run my son up the street and saw a somewhat nicely laid out buffet on my front lawn.  Salsa, oranges and chocolate milk.  As we were pulling out of the driveway and seeing various pieces of garbage scattered up the driveway, I was mumbling and threatening the culprits.  As we got to the top of the drive, I saw “Sherlock” making her way down the road.  My son had made the comment that the two of them were “working” the street.  One on one side and one on the other, although we only saw “Sherlock”.  I watched her as I pulled out of the driveway and sure enough she returned to the scene of the crime.  I floored it to get back home before more garbage was strewn up the driveway.

When we returned “Watson” had showed up, thus verifying the “working the streets” theory.  When she saw us, she hauled butt out of there.  

One time “Sherlock” left a cow head on our lawn.  Yes..you heard me right a cow head.  My husband threw it in the trash.  Do you know how many times I was startled by that head when I opened that can?

I would like to hide something in the garbage can that would literally scare the crap right out of the next dog that attempted theft.  Something spring-loaded, so that when that lid was moved…. Although, I think I would be the first to get it right in the keester.  I would forget and open it. I know I would.  Got to put the mind in gear to come up with something to deter them.  I will market it with my crapapult and make millions.

My Mother, may she rest in peace, had an immaculate home.  Nothing ever out of place.  It was not always like that.  There were seven kids and she had her moments.  I remember a story she told of getting a call that someone was coming over and the house was a mess.  She had to “cram for the examine” so to speak before the company arrived.  She found the closest room to get rid of things and stuffed everything inside.  I guess that the company complimented her on how well she kept the house up with so many little kids.  This particlular incident made my mother into the “Clean House Nazi”.  She taught us kids to be clean, neat and organized.  I used to be, until I had children.

I know there would be days that if she saw my home she would roll over in her grave.  She is probably looking down on me from Heaven telling to pull it together.

I do know that over the years of having kids, I have gained a lot of patience and I tolerate more than perhaps what I should. Case in point:  A couple of months ago, we bought an electric scooter from a thrift store to help save gas.  It is mostly for the kids to get to their friends house, etc.  My son came flying through my kitchen on it the other day, almost running me over.  I just looked at him with that look that says, “Really?”.  He informs me that there aren’t many mother’s who allow their children to drive the scooter through the house.  What I didn’t tell him is that He has taught me more patience than my other children.

Well, this lead to a choice that I made that should have put me in the child category instead of parent category.  I walked through my house and saw the scooter plugged in.  I decided to climb aboard and just sit on it.  Then the thought occured to me that perhaps one of my dogs would love a ride on this thing.

I called one of them and stuck it on the foot rest and gassed it.  I didn’t want her jumping off while I was going.  Well….that was a stupid thought, because she did jump off.  Out of fear of smashing her flat, I swerved and lost control of the scooter, flew down the hall and into my daughter’s bedroom hitting her keyboard and almost knocking it onto the floor.  In the panic of everything, I forgot it had brakes.

I wish I would have been alone when this happened, but my 19 year old daughter was in her room next to the room I went plowing through.  According to her…”All I saw was legs flailing and heard screaming”.  Dang it.  I didn’t want an eyewitness to this at all.  Not even sure what possessed me to try it to begin with.  It goes about 15 mph.  I probably topped off at 17 through the hall judging by how long it took me to stop and how much damage I did.

I won’t even begin to explain why I attempted this.  I don’t even have the answer for that.

Man’s Best Friend? I Think Not…

There are times when something so ridiculous happens to you that you want absolutely no one to know about it.  Unfortunately for some those times seem to hit the news and then everyone knows about it.

Take for instance the story that just hit news in our area about the local duck hunter who went hunting with his dog.  The story is way too good to keep quiet.  I feel for the guy, but I will be laughing about this for months.  I didn’t think anything could beat the story of my brother fishing with his son that ended with them at the doctor’s office.  Seems as though when my nephew cast his line, he caught something a little bigger than he was expecting.  That would be his father….The hook went into my brother’s nose.  I am still laughing at that one, but to the story:

Two hunters were out getting their boat ready to hunt some ducks.  One hunter was in the water and laid his shotgun on the bow of the boat.  The other hunter was setting decoys.  The dog was in the boat and got excited and started jumping around.  Amidst all of the jumping the dog landed on the shotgun, discharging it into the decoy setters butt.

Now that is the story the hunters tell.  It makes one wonder what the dog’s side of the story is.

There are times when one of my dogs gives me that uneasy, hair stand up on end kind of feeling.  The “Man’s Best Friend” in my house is not anyone’s friend unless food is involved in the relationship.  Best friends don’t steal your food when you are not looking.  Best friends do not remove the decorations off of your Christmas tree and eat them when you spent a long time putting them up.

Best friends don’t wait until you are asleep and then bring in their buddies to fight on top of you.  Best friends don’t lick where the sun don’t shine and then attempt to lick you in the face.    Best friends don’t jump on your lap and cut wind that will make your eyes water.  Best friends don’t urinate in your pile of clean laundry.  Best friends don’t bring in their dinner plate and throw it down on the floor for you to put food on it.  Best friends don’t scrounge through the bathroom garbage and drag toilet paper all over the house.  And last, but not least….They don’t puke on your bed in the middle of the night making you get up and throw all bedding in the washer at 1:00 a.m.  Thus making you freeze the rest of the night because everyone else has the warm blankets.  Man’s best friend?

There are days when I would like to kick my “best friend” to the curb.

Of course….there are worse things….CATS!

So my morning has been a memorable one.  It is funny how one thing going wrong (i.e. alarm not going off) can lead to poor choices.

I woke to my alarm this morning realizing that my daughter, who should have been up an hour before me, was not up.  Panic set in and I flew out of bed to go get her up.  This one incident led to a choice I had to make this morning that I never care to make again.

Because I have teen daughters, I pretty much can tell when I can push things with them or not.  This morning was definitely a NOT.

My sons have to be on the bus at 6:50 a.m.  I have to be to school at 7:00 a.m.  My daughter is supposed to be to school at 6:30 and my other daughter has to be to work at 8:00.  So you see how one little thing go wrong in my morning and it is a disaster.

I got my sons fed and my daughter was still in MY shower, so I was forced to used the kid’s bathroom to shower.  I figured if I didn’t shower before the boys got on the bus, there was no way I was going to make it to school on time.  So I hurried and jumped into the shower in the kid’s bathroom without really assessing the situation like I should have.  I saw bottles of soap in there, but didn’t check to see if they were full.

In mid shower I realized I had no soap or shampoo.  This is bad people, real bad.  There was one bottle of soap in there and it was my only choice.  I knew given the situation of my daughter that there was no way I was getting soap out of my bathroom.  I knew she would not let my sons in there and my other daughter was still in bed.

I sat there looking at this bottle trying to pick my brain on how I got in this situation.  I finally realized I had no choice but to use this soap.  It was dog shampoo people.  Dog shampoo.  Is this what I have been lowered to in my own home?

It was supposed to be green apple scented…it just didn’t smell like green apple.  It may smell good on a dog, but it don’t on people.  I hurried and used it and got out, smelling that stuff everywhere I went.  No amount of perfume, hairspray or hair product could get rid of that smell.  Maybe it was more of a mental thing than anything else, knowing I had used dog shampoo.  I don’t know.

Even though this is supposed to give dogs shiny coats….does not do anything for people “coats”.  My hair looks like a cat has ratted it up and nested in it. It is so out of control.

Today I will avoid all eye contact with anyone thus avoiding any stares at this rug on my head and hope that no one can smell the weird fermented apple smell coming off of me. 

The only good thing that has come from this….It was anti-bacterial.  So I guess I just took care of the “cooties” that I was informed I had when I was in fourth grade.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

I met my lifetime quota for getting creeped out last night.  Needless to say, I have been up since 4:00 a.m. because I could not even begin to close my eyes after the following happened.

My husband works graveyard every four weeks.  He happened to start it this week.  I really hate it, but it is a job what do you do.  Because of him being gone at nights, I have a baseball bat, Walther, taser and various other items within arms reach of the bed.  Call me paranoid….

I have a daughter that gets up early for school because she has to be there by 6:30.  When my husband works day shift, he leaves around 4:00 a.m.  I am kind of used to hearing noises early and a lot of times it wakes me up.  My inner clock is still screwed up from daylight savings time, so I have been waking up an hour before my alarm clock goes off.  This morning, I was kind of waking up when I heard someone walking across the kitchen floor.

My daughter usually turns on every light in the house because she doesn’t like the dark.  She gets that from me.  Anyway, I could tell through my closed eyes that no lights were on.  I then heard the floor squeak at the bottom of my bed.  I had left a laundry basket full of towels there and thought my daughter was getting one to get in the shower.  My daughter’s dog that happened to be on my bed looked up but didn’t do anything. I waited for the light to come on and waited and waited.  I opened my eyes but didn’t look directly at the foot of my bed.  I had a light on my phone flashing in the corner of the room and looked at it to see if I could see a reflection.  I saw nothing.

About 3 minutes later, I felt the person walk past by bed and out of my room.  I lay there with my heart racing and didn’t dare move.  I finally turned over to see the clock to see if it was my daughter and it was too early for her to be up.  I then heard a weird noise that sounded like a cell phone ringer of some sort.  I stayed in bed for about 10 minutes, creeped out way more than I wanted to be.  Finally I grabbed my bat for the sake of protecting my sleeping  children and started through the house to see if someone was in it.

I tiptoed quietly hugging the walls so as not to be seen or make the floor squeak to alert someone to my presence.   I slowly checked all the rooms to find all of my children sound asleep.  I stood in the kitchen with the bat drawn wondering who in the heck…..?

As I turned to go back to my room, I ran smack into a chair that I could not see in the dark.  So whoever came through my kitchen missed the chair in the dark, but I did not.  Typical…  Gave myself a good knot on the shin.  I could not go back to sleep to save my life.  I was so freaked out.

When it came time to get everyone up, including my daughter whose alarm did not go off,  it was 20 questions time.  I was asking everyone who was walking through the house in the dark because they nearly got the carp beat out of them with the bat.  No one knows anything.  No one heard anything, no one remembers anything……..weird.   Really weird….

I have a son that is known to sleep walk, but he also sleeps with one of the dogs who usually comes running out of the room the minute his door is open.  But no dog to be seen anywhere.  Baffles the mind.  Hope I can sleep tonight.

Where Does It Go?

I have two sons that could eat anyone out of house and home.  When either one of them turn sideways they disappear.  One of them is 6′ 2″ by 6.2″ the other one is 5′ 6″ by 5.6″. So I am not sure where it all goes.  I think I lost my good metabolism on them when I gave birth to them.  Probably like most boys they are ready to eat again not even after 1 hour has passed after a meal.

Unfortunately I am at that state in my life that I am so over cooking for the “masses”.  I would rather graze than dirty a dish.  Take this morning for instance.  I tried to make apple pie turnovers…..  After the first turnover, or whatever it looked like, I decided to do a pie instead.  Hoping it would be more successful.  I spilled apple chunks all over the floor, cornstarch down the front of me.  The container that had my cinnamon and sugar mix had a hole that  it went all over the floor.  I spilled flour on the floor and when I tried to put the crust on the top of the pie, It looked like the worst plastic surgery nightmare ever.  I threw the pie and the one turnover and some pie crust cookies in the oven and proceeded to clean up my mess.

I managed to burn the pie crust cookies and my apple pie blew a hole in it that leaked down in the bottom of the stove causing plumes of smoke to infiltrate all parts of the house.  I have had enough of cooking!

After doing some waste of time housework, I decided to work on some homework.  I was about as frustrated with that as I was with cooking and was about to throw in the towel.  My 14-year-old son comes in and asks what is for lunch.  I really tried to avoid the question because let’s face it, I retired from kitchen work today.  I told him to give me a minute to finish the exercise I was on and I would try to find him something to eat.

Not even 5 minutes had passed and I hear him moaning, “I am starving, must have food”.  Then in his comedic style he starts carrying on the following conversation with himself:

“Maybe I will have to go in the back yard and dig in the holes for mice with Sport (a neighborhood dog that pretty much scrounges up its own food and has for years).  Or maybe I could go eat some weeds.  Oh, or maybe I could go look for the cow leg the neighbor’s dog had the other day.  It might still have some meat on it.  Hopefully I won’t have to go find the dog poo I threw over the fence yesterday.”

At this point I was laughing so hard, I was crying.  I could no longer ignore him.  I finally had to succumb to cooking again.  Wow….he really knows how to manipulate me.

I drew this picture of my handsome sons.  I know I don’t do them justice, but I hit the physique just about right.  Unicycle shirts and all!