Tag Archive: Dogs

Doggie Buffet!

Every neighborhood has one right?…The dog that won’t stay out of everyone’s garbage?  We happen to be so lucky as to have two.  The other day I happened to look out the front window and saw one of the critters actually inside of my garbage can.  A few years back, the county I live in went to what we call the “Black Beauties”.  Everyone has these huge plastic garbage cans with wheels.  Anyway I am not sure if the dog tipped the can over or if the garbage truck did when it put it down, but all I could see was the dog’s butt.  That was a new strategy, I have to admit.

Our nightmare happened on Monday, January 2.  We thought the garbage people had the day off to celebrate the New Year. No, they showed up and  half the street didn’t have their cans up to the road.  This was right after Christmas and everyone  had extra garbage.  So we had to take to inconspicuously stacking it by the side door until the next week’s pickup.  Unfortunately “Sherlock and Watson” found the garbage yesterday.  I wasn’t sure at first it was the dogs until later.

When leaving for school, I saw a box where it shouldn’t have been.  I came home, picked up the box and stuck it in the garbage.  Later that afternoon I left to run my son up the street and saw a somewhat nicely laid out buffet on my front lawn.  Salsa, oranges and chocolate milk.  As we were pulling out of the driveway and seeing various pieces of garbage scattered up the driveway, I was mumbling and threatening the culprits.  As we got to the top of the drive, I saw “Sherlock” making her way down the road.  My son had made the comment that the two of them were “working” the street.  One on one side and one on the other, although we only saw “Sherlock”.  I watched her as I pulled out of the driveway and sure enough she returned to the scene of the crime.  I floored it to get back home before more garbage was strewn up the driveway.

When we returned “Watson” had showed up, thus verifying the “working the streets” theory.  When she saw us, she hauled butt out of there.  

One time “Sherlock” left a cow head on our lawn.  Yes..you heard me right a cow head.  My husband threw it in the trash.  Do you know how many times I was startled by that head when I opened that can?

I would like to hide something in the garbage can that would literally scare the crap right out of the next dog that attempted theft.  Something spring-loaded, so that when that lid was moved…. Although, I think I would be the first to get it right in the keester.  I would forget and open it. I know I would.  Got to put the mind in gear to come up with something to deter them.  I will market it with my crapapult and make millions.


My Mother, may she rest in peace, had an immaculate home.  Nothing ever out of place.  It was not always like that.  There were seven kids and she had her moments.  I remember a story she told of getting a call that someone was coming over and the house was a mess.  She had to “cram for the examine” so to speak before the company arrived.  She found the closest room to get rid of things and stuffed everything inside.  I guess that the company complimented her on how well she kept the house up with so many little kids.  This particlular incident made my mother into the “Clean House Nazi”.  She taught us kids to be clean, neat and organized.  I used to be, until I had children.

I know there would be days that if she saw my home she would roll over in her grave.  She is probably looking down on me from Heaven telling to pull it together.

I do know that over the years of having kids, I have gained a lot of patience and I tolerate more than perhaps what I should. Case in point:  A couple of months ago, we bought an electric scooter from a thrift store to help save gas.  It is mostly for the kids to get to their friends house, etc.  My son came flying through my kitchen on it the other day, almost running me over.  I just looked at him with that look that says, “Really?”.  He informs me that there aren’t many mother’s who allow their children to drive the scooter through the house.  What I didn’t tell him is that He has taught me more patience than my other children.

Well, this lead to a choice that I made that should have put me in the child category instead of parent category.  I walked through my house and saw the scooter plugged in.  I decided to climb aboard and just sit on it.  Then the thought occured to me that perhaps one of my dogs would love a ride on this thing.

I called one of them and stuck it on the foot rest and gassed it.  I didn’t want her jumping off while I was going.  Well….that was a stupid thought, because she did jump off.  Out of fear of smashing her flat, I swerved and lost control of the scooter, flew down the hall and into my daughter’s bedroom hitting her keyboard and almost knocking it onto the floor.  In the panic of everything, I forgot it had brakes.

I wish I would have been alone when this happened, but my 19 year old daughter was in her room next to the room I went plowing through.  According to her…”All I saw was legs flailing and heard screaming”.  Dang it.  I didn’t want an eyewitness to this at all.  Not even sure what possessed me to try it to begin with.  It goes about 15 mph.  I probably topped off at 17 through the hall judging by how long it took me to stop and how much damage I did.

I won’t even begin to explain why I attempted this.  I don’t even have the answer for that.

Cowboys and Indians

Anyone that knows my husband, knows that he is the quiet type.  He usually doesn’t have a lot to say.  When it comes to music though, he is a genius at trivia.  No kidding, he is amazing what he knows about bands, albums…etc.

He also has a very funny sense of humor. This is one of the things that attracted me to him. You probably wouldn’t think so because he is so quiet, but there are times when he will blind side with something that is terribly funny.

So I had a “wild hair” and redecorated our kitchen as a retro diner theme.  It still is a work in progress, but we got rid of our old table and bought a retro metal table with retro chairs.  It looks really cool, but there is a problem.  With our old table, we could push all of the chairs in and keep the dogs from jumping up on them and getting on the table.  We can’t do that with this new table.  The chairs are out just enough for them to squeeze the larger than normal carcasses on to and then up on the table.  Well at least one of them does, the other one is a little large and struggles.  Thank goodness.

This is the part of the story where my husband’s sense of humor kicks in.  Yesterday, after lunch I had laid on the couch for a 15 minute power nap.  My husband was in the recliner talking to me.  I could hear the “problem dog” in the kitchen and it sounded like she was on the table.  I asked me husband if he could see where Lola was.  His response….”She’s circling the wagons”.  Any pug owner would know what I was talking about when I say, this paints a very funny picture.  That was pretty much what she was doing.  Circling the table trying to find a weak spot to make her attack on.

I just about died laughing.    I love my husband for his quick wit and quiet manner.  He is a character!  Thanks for making me laugh hubby!

So my morning has been a memorable one.  It is funny how one thing going wrong (i.e. alarm not going off) can lead to poor choices.

I woke to my alarm this morning realizing that my daughter, who should have been up an hour before me, was not up.  Panic set in and I flew out of bed to go get her up.  This one incident led to a choice I had to make this morning that I never care to make again.

Because I have teen daughters, I pretty much can tell when I can push things with them or not.  This morning was definitely a NOT.

My sons have to be on the bus at 6:50 a.m.  I have to be to school at 7:00 a.m.  My daughter is supposed to be to school at 6:30 and my other daughter has to be to work at 8:00.  So you see how one little thing go wrong in my morning and it is a disaster.

I got my sons fed and my daughter was still in MY shower, so I was forced to used the kid’s bathroom to shower.  I figured if I didn’t shower before the boys got on the bus, there was no way I was going to make it to school on time.  So I hurried and jumped into the shower in the kid’s bathroom without really assessing the situation like I should have.  I saw bottles of soap in there, but didn’t check to see if they were full.

In mid shower I realized I had no soap or shampoo.  This is bad people, real bad.  There was one bottle of soap in there and it was my only choice.  I knew given the situation of my daughter that there was no way I was getting soap out of my bathroom.  I knew she would not let my sons in there and my other daughter was still in bed.

I sat there looking at this bottle trying to pick my brain on how I got in this situation.  I finally realized I had no choice but to use this soap.  It was dog shampoo people.  Dog shampoo.  Is this what I have been lowered to in my own home?

It was supposed to be green apple scented…it just didn’t smell like green apple.  It may smell good on a dog, but it don’t on people.  I hurried and used it and got out, smelling that stuff everywhere I went.  No amount of perfume, hairspray or hair product could get rid of that smell.  Maybe it was more of a mental thing than anything else, knowing I had used dog shampoo.  I don’t know.

Even though this is supposed to give dogs shiny coats….does not do anything for people “coats”.  My hair looks like a cat has ratted it up and nested in it. It is so out of control.

Today I will avoid all eye contact with anyone thus avoiding any stares at this rug on my head and hope that no one can smell the weird fermented apple smell coming off of me. 

The only good thing that has come from this….It was anti-bacterial.  So I guess I just took care of the “cooties” that I was informed I had when I was in fourth grade.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Death By Dog

I love Sunday’s.  It is my day of rest.  No worries, no cares…usually.  Yesterday was more stressful than usual. I fed my family, put my husband to bed because he had to go into work and then I kicked back in the recliner for a little nap.  It was short-lived.

When I sit down or lay down within 1 minute I am covered in dogs.  Since it has turned off cold the dogs have decided that I am their own personal electric blanket.  Yesterday I had kicked back less than 30 seconds when they came running.  Aaaaarrrgh!

It doesn’t matter if there is room or not, they try to fit their fat lard bodies into any crevasse they can find.  While laying there, they both looked perfectly comfortable.  Neither one of them cared that I was cramping up in various positions and in body parts because of them.  Someone came into the kitchen and opened the fridge thus enticing one of the lard balls to parkour it off of my lap diving for the fridge before it shut.  When she left the lap position she was in, the other lard ball took her place within 1.2 seconds.  Sprawled out and went to sleep within 0.2 seconds.

When the first dog came back to regain her warm spot on my lap she realized it had been stolen.  If dogs could talk, I am sure a whole string of insults would have come out of her mouth at that moment.  At this point I was in and out of sleep.  Waking slightly every time one of them moved.  She decided to take the only available spot.  Thing is….there was no available spot, she invented one.

Can I just say that dogs are no respecters of body parts.  They don’t care where or what they step on.  As I lay there in a slumber, the dog who lost her spot decided she wanted on the back of the chair.  She stepped on my neck, then my face and then parted my scalp trying to get comfortable on top of the chair.  Not to mention pulling out half of my hair.  At this point I was ready to throw both of them out into the cold just to make a point.  That they don’t own the house, my head, the furniture, the fridge, the bathroom or my bed despite what they think.

She finally made it to the top and settled down and I dozed off again after giving her a “scotch blessing” as my mother would call it.  I am still suffering from what happened next.  The only thing I can think of is that she started falling off of the chair and started kicking to grip with her claws to keep herself on.  In the process I was kicked in the temple about 4 times the hard part of her back knee.  People die from that you know.

I lay there moaning because despite how skinny a pug’s leg is..it has a lot of strength in it.  Twenty four hours later and my temple is still throbbing.

Later on  my son was laying on the floor and got attacked by both of them.  They had one shirt sleeve in one mouth and his shorts in the other.  He was yelling for help in between laughs.  He called for me to rescue them.  When I got in the room, I felt like I was watching a nature show with two grizzlies going at each other.  I threatened to video tape them and make it viral thus starting the beginning of the extinction of pugs entirely because no one would want one after seeing that behavior.  I don’t think the threat was taken seriously in any way, shape or form.

Ultimate Alliance

When the world’s evil combined against them, they united to form the most powerful team in the universe. There was Batman, who brought his money and his toys. Spiderman, who, though he had let himself go over the years, could spin one heck of a web. Bat Girl, brave enough to wear spandex at her age. Captain America, who brought his military prowess. Word Girl, whose vocabulary and quick wit could get anyone out of a sticky situation. And Robin, who started working out every day for six years. Together, they formed…The Defenders of Justice and Awesomeness!” – Arianna Rees (by the way, the spandex cut was uncalled for)

Well the Rees family favorite time of the year has arrived.  We seriously start planning what our costumes will be for the next year, the day after Halloween.  Our tradition of family themes started about 12 years ago.  Not sure how it happened or what, but it has been something that my kids will always  remember and hopefully cherish.  Not only that, in Halloween tradition we pick a store to go shopping at at the end of the day, yes…in full costume.  That tradition started the year we were all dressed up as Star War characters and I needed milk.  We were right by the store and my husband asked if I needed anything while we were in town.  At first, I was too embarrassed to go in, then I thought….no one will know who I am anyway and besides I wasn’t going to waste gas.  We all went into the store and got a standing ovation by the employees.  This just fueled the flames more.  We have already been invited to a store this year.

So in the LDS church we have what we call Family Home Evening.  It is where once a week we gather as a family and learn about Christ and then we have activities, treats etc.  Usually the kids are assigned different aspects of the evening whether that be teaching the lesson, making the treat, deciding the activity, etc.  Last night along with the activity we decided in the spirit of Halloween to tell scary stories.

I pulled out a couple of Edgar Allen Poe’s classics and then a few ghost stories that I heard as a kid.  One son decided it was not for him and put on headphones.  According to my children, the stories were predictable.  Of course they had heard the Tale Tell Heart.  Anyway, no one really acted like it spooked them.  I wasn’t even rattled or so I thought.  Grossed out maybe, but not scared.

We decided to play Uno and my daughter had the cards in her car.  It was dark and I had to go out to get them.  As I stepped out into the dark, clear night I turned to see a white moving object off to the right that was not part of my yard.  I jumped about 3 feet and screamed only to realize it was the neighbor’s dog.  Of course, my son happened to be standing at the door and eyewitnessed the little event.  So much for keeping that one quiet.  That one will be laughed at for about 1 week.

I was more creeped out than what I thought.  It is amazing how fast the adrenaline can pump through ones veins when fear is present.  Had that dog been any closer, it would have probably been suffering from a roundhouse kick to the knees and an upper cut to the jaw.  I don’t do scary.  I do not like being scared and when I am the whole body becomes a weapon.  That is a fact.  If I have anything within reaching distance, it too becomes a weapon. My husband works weird schedules and even he is afraid to come into the house unexpected during the night.  He is afraid of what I might do to him.  As a child I was scarred by people trying to break into our house many times and it has messed me up.  We moved around a lot  and I know of ten times someone tried to break into our house.  Some of those houses had repeat offences.  Then people wonder why I am the way I am.  Sheesh.

Anyway, here is the rest of the gang in all their glory.  From our “Ultimate Alliance” to yours.  Have a great Halloween and don’t do anything illegal.

Have you ever gone to bed at night and said or thought to yourself..”This has been the weirdest day ever?”  Tonight I will think that of the past three days.  Something is going on and no matter how I try, I just can’t explain it.

I know I am klutzy and probably a little scatterbrained at times, but even for me I have done some pretty stupid things in the last three days.  Combine that with the weird and things just get more complicated.

Take for instance two mornings ago.  I made pancakes for breakfast before the kids started out  for school.  I left one cooking on the pan while I got the rest on the table and the kids eating.  We conversed through breakfast and got up, cleaned off our plates and I started helping kids get ready.  I happened to walk through the kitchen as I noticed smoke all over.  I had left the pancake cooking and it was a shade of black I have never seen before.  I am surprised I did not burn down the house.  Who does this???  Where is my mind?

I lost my iPod case in my car.  I tore the car apart trying to find it, without luck.  I got into the car to go pick up my son from school. I went in to the school, came out and sitting on the driver’s seat of the car is my iPod case.  As if it had dropped from heaven when I got up.  That was really weird.

Then yesterday, I walked out the front door only to find a pack of dogs laying in my yard.  Dogs that do not belong to me.  What????  I found garbage strewed all over my yard a couple of days ago that baffled me.  It probably came from the “pack” I have acquired.  Then I got a knock on the door  from a  guy asking me if I knew some lady.  He said that she used to live in the house I am living in now or the one that is next door to us.  Now I found this extremely odd because the house I live in now, my husband and I are the only ones that have ever lived in it.  We have lived here for 12 years.  The other house we used to live in and it belonged to my father-in-law.  No one by that name has lived in it for at least 40 years that I know of.  To make this weirder…this is the second time the guy has shown up asking the same question.  Now..do I have Alzheimer’s or does he?

To add to the weirdness, I have seemed to attract a man at school that is a good 20+ years older than me and he is a little short of a picnic basket.  He has become extremely  interested in me in the last few days and I am unsure of how to handle this one.  This will have to play out more for me to figure out what is going on there.  Just weird.

Then this morning, my dogs were acting so strange.  First of all my “daughter’s” pug, which doesn’t ever want anything to do with her, is constantly by my side.  Drives me nuts.  The minute I get out of bed in the morning she is following me around the house constantly.  She never made an appearance until after breakfast.  Now if anyone knows pugs, they are all about getting food where they can.  They hear the words, “Let’s Eat” and they think they are hearing their name.  Even my kids thought it strange that she was a no-show.  Then just before I left for school, I lost the other pug and found her curled up in a ball in the bathroom cabinet.  ????  What???  She didn’t want to come out.   I am still dumbfounded by that one. When I finally got her out, I turned and ran into the bathroom cupboard, thus impaling my gut with the corner and hitting my head on the one above that my daughter had left open earlier.    I thought for sure that the “big one” would hit today because of how weird things were going and how weird the dogs were acting.

To continue the saga, when I came home from school, I was eating some mashed potatoes and got up to walk somewhere and didn’t see the “speed bump” (a pug) laying in front of me.  I tripped sending mashed potatoes flying all over the kitchen floor.  If it weren’t for the kitchen cabinet, I would have joined the potatoes.  The more I think about this one its falls more under the category of “set-up” rather than “weird” because the “10 second rule” didn’t even come in to play for the speed bump.  She was all over it within 2 seconds.  No joke.  How can a dog that nearly got it’s brains kicked out still rebound up and get to food within 2 seconds.  I don’t know.  Baffles the mind.

I have found flies and spiders in various food items.  I have spilled just about everything I have put my hands on….I can’t stop making messes or getting into messes.  SOMETHING IS GOING ON PEOPLE!

Oh, I know…….it must be Halloween!  Full moon messes everything up right?  If only……

Wanted: “Crap”apult

Years ago we put a nice fence around the back yard.  I won’t go into the main reason, but a nice side effect has been….no dog poo in the front yard.  We actually had a place we could go without worrying about stepping in poop.  At least I thought so.

Today I was out trying to get my yard all ready for the winter.  I was guiding my son on how to trim one of my trees when I caught a whiff of “death”.  It made my eyes water it smelled so bad.  I looked down and just inches from my foot was a pile of poo that would make an elephant’s pile pale in comparison.

I stood with my mouth hanging open because quite honestly..I have NEVER seen a pile of dog poo that big.  The smell was a dead giveaway for what kind of animal left it.  As I sent my son after a shovel to dispose of it amid complaints, I came across a few more piles of it.  This is unacceptable.

We are surrounded by five acres of open field and a dog decides to take a dump in my front yard.  Before our fence was up, our well-mannered dog would go clear out into the field to do her duty.  I appreciated that.  That was enough to make her worth the money we paid for her.  I would have died if I would  have ever found her at the neighbors leaving her calling card in their yard.   A couple of hours after cleaning it up, we kept having “phantom scents”.  My son kept swearing he could smell it.  We were checking everyone’s shoes, but no doo in site.  We will be haunted by this smell for days to come.

I am 99% sure of what dog did it and where it lives.  Since lighting fire to a bag of poo and flinging at something would be considered illegal, that option is off the table for “returning” the favor.  I decided that I need to make a catapult with a scope that I could actually aim with to achieve 90% accuracy or higher.  I wanted to call it the “Crapapult”, but someone has already thought of that idea.

Perhaps I could call it the “Dung Flunger” .  I don’t know, but I do know this, when I catch this dog doing it’s thing again in my yard I will return the gift back where it came from.  I don’t know how, when or where but it will happen.  I am going to collect it in a bag over the course of a few weeks and then when it gets nice and ripe and the bag is full, it is going “home”.  I know I don’t sound like a patient person and I know that it is hard to train dogs to do their jobs where they should.  Multiple repeat offenses have led me to the edge of the tether so to speak.

Wow…wait…did I just say all of that out loud?  Oooops:)

Human Homing Device

I would like for you to meet Georgia and Lola.  At first glance, these two innocent looking dogs might make you go, “awwww”.  Please resist the temptation.  Anyone familiar with pugs know that as cute as they are, these dogs can get under your skin like a bad fungus that won’t go away.

We have been proud Pug owners for 5 years.  They are fun, happy, and playful dogs, but these dogs have a terrible dark side.

Georgia, aka “Satan’s Spawn”  (the black one) is a nighttime speed bump.  You can’t see her if you get up for some reason and will she stay in place?  Heck no.  If you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, let me clarify…if I get up in the night to go to the bathroom she is lurking in the dark waiting for this unsuspecting fool to trip over her and fall to my death.  This I know, I have died a few times.  It is as if she thinks perhaps a refrigerator has magically appeared in the bathroom overnight and I cannot possibly wait until morning because I am so excited to go in there and get her a snack.  She refuses to sleep with anyone in the house but me.  If she doesn’t get her way, she whines…and whines…..and whines.  I have a straight jacket by my bed for such occasions.  I am afraid I might hurt someone.

Lola (the tan one) waits until no one is watching and then gets on the kitchen table hoping to find leftover scraps we won’t give her.  I had to force her to sleep with my son because she too, thinks she has to sleep with…you  guessed it ME!  She was doing fine until we moved one son out of the room to his own room.  I guess Lola can’t stand the room without the stench of Ridge lurking in there, because now….she won’t sleep with my son that she has been sleeping with forever.  We put her in bed at night and she scratches at the door, over and over and over again.  Pretty soon, she will have scratched a doggy door in every door in the house.  Because of these two dog’s growing attachment to me, I have become somewhat of a  sleep-deprived human homing device.

Let me explain.  My children no longer need to call me to find me.  I have no hiding places left in the house.  I lay down on the couch and these two dogs lay on me.  I go to the bathroom and these two dogs lay outside of the door and wait for me.  They actually do try to come in if the door isn’t shut all the way. I will see their paws under the door like they seriously think they can reach up and pick the lock.  I go out to the laundry room and “POOF”! they are there at my feet.  Causing me to trip over them because I can’t see them with the pile of laundry I have stacked to the sky.   I took a trip to the south pole and guess who was waiting for me at the airport….no, just kidding that didn’t really happen, but I am sure it would if I did take a trip like that.  I tell the kids, look for the  dogs and you have found me.

I actually think that Georgia is wanted somewhere for a crime.  The ways she stares at you in the dark….makes the hair stand up on yer neck.  Lola has the “Have pity on me, I never get food” look mastered.  This is why pugs have weight issues.  They look at you like they have no friend in the whole world and that you will make their day if you but give them one small morsel to keep them from starving one more day.  It is messed up I tell you.

Pavlov has nothing on me.  If these two dogs are outside and they hear the ding on the microwave go off, they are trying to get into the door in less than five seconds.  If I climb into bed, I can be alone until I turn off the light.  The minute I turn off the light, those dogs are there waiting to be air lifted to the mattress.  That is because both of them are too fat to get up on their own.  When someone comes home, we have trained these dogs to bring the dirtiest sock they can find in the house to us.  Thus giving off a subtle hint of my failure to be master over the wash.  They have the knack of reminding you to put your shoes on the minute you step on one of their chewed up pieces of a soda lid.  I even found Lola up on top of my piano one day playing me a beautiful rendition of Rachmaninov’s piano concerto #2 without ever having one lesson.  It is amazing.

These two dogs also know that when we kneel down as a family to pray, it is time for them to get in the middle of us all and start tearing each other’s limbs off.  I don’t know how we have done it, but we are geniuses.  Pavlov, I hate to break it to you buddy, but you will have to go a long way to beat the likes of us.

We have only put up with their genius IQ’s this long because they look so dang funny in costumes and we are all about costumes!

Dog’s Rule

The following is an example of why we are dog people at my house.  No offense to cat lovers, but I have never been fond of the feline species.  I went to a woman’s house with my mother once.  I was four years old.  One might ask how I could remember stuff that long ago.  It was because it SCARRED me for life.  This woman had 50 cats.  They all lived in her house.  As my mother visited with this woman, I watched the cats climb all over the kitchen cubboards, in the silverware drawers, on the dishes and furniture.  The house smelled like……no matter how hard I think there are no words for it.  I remember my mom having to go to this house more than once and because I wasn’t in school yet, I had to tag along.  This one day I distinctly remember putting my feet into the ground and absolutely refusing to go in.  My mom understood, but I couldn’t be left outside alone.  That is why I don’t like cats.  So to all you dog lovers…we will now know why “Lassie” was about a dog!  If you can’t see the video, click the link.