Tag Archive: Husband


So after a few busy weeks, I am back. My life has been chaotic lately.

I also started a new blog called “Where In The World is Jay”.  A little bit about how it started.

To understand how funny I find my husband, I have never seen anyone as tenacious as he once he starts mowing. We live on a five acre piece of land which gets covered with field grass.  One day he was out mowing our regular lawn and he disappeared. I found him clear out in the field mowing. He is the kind of guy that once he starts going, he will find anything that needs mowing down and go at it.

A couple of years after we were married he was out mowing with the riding lawn mower and I looked out to see nothing but a giant ball of dust.  All of a sudden I see him running toward it and in the middle of this dust ball was the riding mower climbing a fence post. I stood there with mouth open trying to figure out how the mower got up the fence post without my husband on it.  I still to this day don’t know and neither does he.  He is as tenacious with the weed whacker as he is the mower. Many times I have seen him in the field chopping away at anything that looks like a weed.  I have lost many of flowers and plants to that thing. May they rest in peace.

So a couple of days ago he was mowing the lawn.  I went to the kitchen sink to get a drink. I looked out the window and saw him mowing the lawn in shorts and snowboots.  Earlier that day we had been hauling stuff to a recycling place and he had stepped in a horse size pile of dog poop.  We don’t have dogs that size, nor do our dogs ever go in the front yard. So stepping in it was an unpleasant surprise. So he put them on to mow the lawn to keep from getting dog poop on his good shoes. It was nearly 80 degrees outside, I don’t know how he could stand it.

I was on the phone to my sister and told her that she needed to see what he was wearing.  She wanted me to upload the picture to my facebook page for her to see.  Well I decided that that was too boring so I was going to have some fun and I Photoshopped him into mowing The White House lawn.

It started from there that we decided to start a series called “Where in the world is Jay?”.  We started coming up with some really funny ideas of where one would find my husband and his mower.

So click on the link on the side under “Family” on  “Where In The World is Jay” and it will take you to the site.

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I know it is a job and someone has to do it, but in my opinion the salesman is the worst job on the planet. I sometimes think a prerequisite for this job title is being obnoxious. The job in and of itself is obnoxious in nature.   To mix that with a personality of someone who has to be pushed to her limits before she would mistreat someone is nothing more than a setup to get taken advantage of.

As I have gotten older it is a lot harder for me to mistreat someone. I haven’t always been kind and have said hurtful things in the past, but it is just not in my nature anymore to mistreat someone.  I have to get really mad at someone before I rip into them and it takes a lot to get me to that point. I hate this about myself at times because it sets me up to get taken advantage of. My husband on the other hand is not like that, but I force him to be because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t think I have done him any favors.  Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a very kind, honest and truthful person and his fault to this is that he thinks everyone else is and so he trust people whom he shouldn’t.  Women’s intuition plays into this somewhat because if I have any red flags go up over anything, I don’t trust very quickly.  I am honest also, I am just more cautious.

This is where run ins with salesmen are just horrible for me.  I don’t trust any of them because of the experiences I have had with them and yet, I can’t mistreat them. My mother didn’t take garbage off of anyone and my father was the opposite.  I am most like my father in this way, but it took a salesman for me to see a side of my father I did not know existed.

When I was four years of age I remember being at home with my mom one day when a salesman tried breaking into our home. My mom was on the phone to her sister when the guy tried every door in the house.  Her and I was curled up in a corner of the kitchen hiding with the phone hoping the guy would leave.  It scarred me. I have never been trusting of them since this and I haven’t had one that has changed my mind.

Another time when after I was married and was home alone a guy showed up selling something. I told him I wasn’t interested and he insisted on coming back when my husband got home.  I thought to myself that if the guy showed up I wouldn’t open the door.  I had to leave for some reason and had put a note on a whiteboard for my husband that said this, “Some obnoxious salesman said he was going to show up tonight.  If he comes, don’t answer the door”.  Well, I came home and had gone upstairs for awhile, pretty soon my husband called me and as I came downstairs there stood the salesman. My husband obviously didn’t see the note I left for him, but the salesman did.  At that point, the look that guy gave me sent shivers down my spine.  He was extremely angry.  He said nothing and stomped out of the house.  After he left, my husband asked me what was up with that….I pointed out the big note I had left him.  We both laughed pretty hard over it even though I was a little rattled over the look he gave me.

Years ago when I was a teen, a Kirby vacuum salesman came to our home.  My mother answered the door and told the guy she was  not interested.  He became extremely pushy and even trying to forcing himself into the door.  My mother had braced her foot against the door to keep him from getting in, but the guy was still trying.  This is where my father showed up and told the guy with “fist in the air” to get out or he would do something he regretted.  The guy left, but we soon  found out that he had been causing problems like this throughout the whole neighborhood.  We reported him and he never came back.

I am not sure what rigors Kirby goes through to train their salesmen, but they are the closest thing to Satan’s spawn I know of.  I don’t have a peep-hole on my front door and have opened the door to many a people  I would have preferred to keep the door shut on.  The Kirby salesman who came back later peeping in my daughter’s window was one of them.  I threatened Kirby that if one of their salesmen ever came back I would call the cops on them.  It didn’t stop them.  A few years later I had one show up that tried to force his way into my house.  He didn’t come right out and tell me the company he represented or else I would have followed through on my threat.  I refuse to let anyone in my home when I am here alone.  He was trying every means possible to get into my home to demonstrate a shampooer.  When I told him that I have a shampooer then he started on a vacuum, this is where the red flags started going up.  I immediately told him I was not interested, I was supposed to get a free set of knives despite the fact.  Eight years later and I have not received them.  It wasn’t until I got a follow-up phone call from Kirby that I realized that they were the company this guy represented.  I went off on them again and threatened them with a lawsuit. I haven’t seen them since, but that don’t mean they won’t try some other way to get in.  In 1992 a woman was raped by a Kirby salesmen.  In 2010 a Kirby salesman hit a poor man in the head with a handheld vacuum when he was asked to leave the property. These people are evil. The list of crimes these people commit against others is deplorable.

Next to these guys in line for the Satan’s Spawn title would be insurance salesmen. When my husband and I were newlyweds we had one show up on our doorstep.  I swear they scope the neighborhoods looking for new move ins. From the start I knew this guy was a scam artist.  He started his sales pitch by telling my husband and I all of his marriage problems.  I thought to myself…”Are you selling insurance or needing marriage counseling?”  If it was marriage counseling I would have told him his first mistake was telling complete strangers way too much information about his personal life.  My husband and I patiently sat through 3 hours of his going on and on about his life.  I was about ready to take a bullet just to put myself out of misery.  Neither one of us wanted to be mean because of the sad story he had just given us.  When he finally got around to selling the insurance, he  showed me a list of people who had signed up with him.  One name in particular jumped out at me.  It was a lady that I had used to work with that had cancer.  After the sucker left, I called  her and she told me she had no idea who this guy was and that he was lying.  He had somewhere gotten medical information about people that he was fraudulently using.  We thought we would not see the guy again after we told him we weren’t interested.  Nay, nay…a month or so later he showed up as we were leaving.  This time I let my husband do his thing and he pretty much told him where to go and how to get there.

The list goes on and on.  Salesmen remind me of Bill Clinton.  In what way you ask?  Bill Clinton seemed to think that there was more than one definition for the word “is” during his scandal with Monica Lewinsky. ????  What? Is? Salesmen seem to think that there is more than one definition for the word “No”.  Since a small babe in arms, I knew what no meant and if I did the opposite I would get it. Salesmen don’t seem to know how to differentiate between No and No.  Case in point:

Yesterday, someone knocked on my door.  I was expecting a delivery that I had to sign for.  Thought it was them only to find myself in that all too familiar uncomfortable spot of being face to face with a salesman.  The guy asked how I was doing…1st red flag…Then he was halfway up the sidewalk and I wasn’t sure why until he asked..”We are selling meat and wondered if you had ever bought from us?”  I said no and before I knew it he was running back to his truck to grab the other guy and boxes of meat.  Didn’t give me one chance to decline.  If I had a backbone, I would have shut the door and locked it just then.  They pretty much came right through my front door and headed for my kitchen…2nd red flag. I wondered how the guy knew where he was going.  This still disturbs me.  I kindly told him to come back to my front room.  Within seconds flat he had 10 boxes of meat out on the floor pitching  numbers and cost faster than you can say, “Bob’s yer Uncle”….3rd red flag.  He was trying to trick me into accepting his offer by asking me if I would use it…I thought what kind of stupid question is that.  If you buy food, don’t you usually eat it?  After he told me that the cost of meat would be $3000 for a 3 months supply, that was it.  I told him I did not have that kind of money. Then comes the “My boss will give you a deal” pitch.  I hate this by-the-way, it really insults what little intelligence I have.  I am thinking to myself, if your boss allows a deal then why  are you trying to scam people for double that cost….4th red flag.

Despite me telling him numerous times that I won’t buy he keeps going from one angle to the next.  Finally he asked if they were wasting their time.  I told him yes.  He then asks me to tell him a name of a friend to go sale to and in exchange I would get a free box of meat.  I absolutely refuse to do that to anyone.  The ironic thing is that this is a farming community where a lot of the people grow their own beef. Which I informed him hoping he would leave people alone.  I don’t think it phased him.

After they left, I yelled at myself for 2 hours about how stupid I was to let them walk right into my home.  If these two had bad intentions, I would have been in an extremely bad situation.  I have gone years without a “no solicitation” sign on my door, but decided to put one up yesterday because I am sick of the confrontations.  Ironically enough, my daughters were against this.  We had a warm 1 hour discussion on how I need to “man-up” and just get mean.  “Tell them no, mom” they said.  My dear sweet daughters don’t realize that doesn’t work.  They were embarrassed by everything I put on the sign.  I made it myself and was quite proud of it.

But…what makes me laugh at this whole thing….my daughter asked me to excuse her from her first hour today.  Why you ask? She received a love letter from a boy in that class and she didn’t want to face him.  Ironic isn’t it? My response…”Man-up you can’t avoid it forever”.  I then asked her if she wanted me to make her a sign.. in which she refused.

Cowboys and Indians

Anyone that knows my husband, knows that he is the quiet type.  He usually doesn’t have a lot to say.  When it comes to music though, he is a genius at trivia.  No kidding, he is amazing what he knows about bands, albums…etc.

He also has a very funny sense of humor. This is one of the things that attracted me to him. You probably wouldn’t think so because he is so quiet, but there are times when he will blind side with something that is terribly funny.

So I had a “wild hair” and redecorated our kitchen as a retro diner theme.  It still is a work in progress, but we got rid of our old table and bought a retro metal table with retro chairs.  It looks really cool, but there is a problem.  With our old table, we could push all of the chairs in and keep the dogs from jumping up on them and getting on the table.  We can’t do that with this new table.  The chairs are out just enough for them to squeeze the larger than normal carcasses on to and then up on the table.  Well at least one of them does, the other one is a little large and struggles.  Thank goodness.

This is the part of the story where my husband’s sense of humor kicks in.  Yesterday, after lunch I had laid on the couch for a 15 minute power nap.  My husband was in the recliner talking to me.  I could hear the “problem dog” in the kitchen and it sounded like she was on the table.  I asked me husband if he could see where Lola was.  His response….”She’s circling the wagons”.  Any pug owner would know what I was talking about when I say, this paints a very funny picture.  That was pretty much what she was doing.  Circling the table trying to find a weak spot to make her attack on.

I just about died laughing.    I love my husband for his quick wit and quiet manner.  He is a character!  Thanks for making me laugh hubby!

Jack and the Ladder?

Have you ever been sitting at home one day, happen to look out the window and think to yourself…”I am going to see someone die today”?  Well I did Saturday.

There are safety stickers and warnings on some objects for a reason.  With this said……

I was on the phone talking to my sister and looked out the window to see someone doing one of the stupidest stunts I have yet to beat.  With all of the dumb things I have done in my life, I do not believe any of them have come as close as this guy did to death.  Well maybe one…take that back there were two.

We have trees that line our property that are about 200 feet high or so.  Well, my neighbor was trying to get a dead branch out of the tree.  He put up a ladder and braced it up against the branch.  This was not just any ladder, this ladder would have made firemen shudder at the thought of climbing.  It was extended waaayy past the safety sticker.

It went so high that I thought I had been sucked into the fairytale Jack and the Beanstalk because I could not see the top of the ladder because it disappeared into the tree.  We had begun to wonder if he had welded three ladders together.  He then proceeded to push up against the ladder to see if it was stable to stand on.  All of us from our view began saying, “No, don’t do it”.  The ladder would bend in the middle every time he pushed it.

After a small amount of deliberation, he decided to put it up against his house and climb up on the roof.  Which in my opinion was only one notch above the stunt he just had pulled.  He finally got the branch down and sat on the ladder to slide down of it like a slide.  I was just waiting for the safety to give way and the ladder collapsing thus thrusting him 75 feet  into the lap of his unsuspecting wife  who had been coordinating the stunt and urging him on the whole time.

I began wondering if there was anything I had ever done where someone just stood with their mouth open and their brain thinking, “What the…..what is that woman thinking?”

Unfortunately I did not have to think long before an incident came to mind where I felt those eyes of wonderment on me.  My husband and I had four kids in the span of 5 years.  Honestly, I wonder how I have made it this far without a padded cell.  When I would go to town, it was a nightmare.  I hated going to town.  Most of the time, I had to take all four of them.  Can you imagine having that many toddlers in a store?  AAAAHHHHH!  I start getting shallow breathing just remembering it.

This particular day I was doing some shopping at Wal-mart.  As usual, I had lost one kid in the store and had two others crying by the time we got back to the vehicle.  I was exhausted and trying to get everyone buckled in and the purchases loaded.  I looked ahead and realized that I could just pull straight through the parking spot without having to back up.  I don’t know why, but I was excited at this prospect.  I uncharacteristically left the cart behind the car.  I was too tired to push it to the stall and I didn’t think again because I was pulling out forward.

When I got everyone loaded, I jumped in and started the car throwing the car into drive to follow the plan of pulling straight through……No..for some stupid reason, which I still haven’t figured out to this day, I threw the truck into reverse and backed up at a fair speed.  I heard a really bad noise and wondered what it was.  Then it all came back to me.  I hurried and jumped out the truck and ran to the back to see the shopping cart stuck to the hitch and partway under the truck.  Of course there were about 10 people in the parking lot, all of them reading the blinking “Look at stupid” sign that was flashing above my head.

I wiggled and wiggled the cart trying to pry it loose.  No luck.  I then put both feet up on the bumper and pulled back on the cart as hard as I could.  I still could not free it from the jaws of death.  I was extremely flustered at this point and refused to ask anyone to help me because I felt like a complete idiot.  I hurried and jumped back into the truck to think.  I decided I would just follow my first plan and drive straight through with one slight change….I would gas it and swerve back and forth to dislodge the cart.  O.K.  I lied all I wanted to do was get out of there ASAP and hoped that in my attempt to flee the scene of the crime that I would break free from the bonds of the cart.

Luckily for me it worked and lucky for me that my children weren’t teens at the time.  They would have disowned me for sure.  Of course, I had some “splainin'” to do when I got home and realized I had a huge dent in the back of the car.  Those of you that are married, know that this type of situation causes a dilemma.  I could plainly see my husband’s face when I told him what really happened.  I wrestled with myself for hours on how to handle it.  I formed a plan.

I made him his favorite meal and then broke it to him gently.  The full stomach buffered some frustration so I didn’t get what I could have got.  He ate, got up and quietly walked outside to view the damage.  To me this wasn’t nearly as bad as a few months down the road when I jack-knifed the utility trailer and put a HUGE dent in the side of the vehicle which required auto body work.  Ouch….

Best Day of My Life!

So today is my 21st wedding anniversary.  In celebration of this, I wanted to do something very special for my husband.  So I did my very best polygamist hair-do I could manage and did not apply any makeup.  I didn’t have one of those lovely dresses to put on, so he just had to deal with the PJs which happen to by my daughter’s Halloween costume three years ago.  I won’t go into it more than that.

When he walked through the door after a long night of work, I surprised him!  I think he was expecting me to be ready for school and hair done with makeup.  I think he was impressed that I could get my hair to go back to the large 80’s style I used to have WITHOUT hairspray.  I get props for that.  Other than that, I am afraid he was not impressed.  He laughed, but was not impressed.  I think he prefers the Steven Tyler hair I can seemingly pull off without a lot of effort.

Yes, I am Mormon but for that last and final time….we do not practice polygamy as 83% of American’s polled think we do.  Wow!  I am amazed at how many people hear things on TV that they think are real.  After not practicing polygamy for over 100 years you think the word would have gotten out by now that men of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints only have one wife unless they have left the church and started their own crazy thing thinking they can practice this within the realms of freedom of religion when it is against the law.

I will  tell you right now, my husband could not handle more than one woman.  I am plenty for him I assure you.  I am pretty sure I drive him completely up the wall some days.  Probably all 7,655 days we have been living together as husband and wife.

My husband is the best!  I would not trade him for anything in the world.  I consider myself lucky  that I found one man who would put up with my crazy antics and still want to be married to me.  In a day and age where marriage is constantly coming under attack or trying to be made into something that God never intended it to be, I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to spend this life and the eternities with my wonderful man.  He is a wonderful person and a good father.  I couldn’t ask for more.

As for the hair and no make-up….forget about it.  I find it ironic that God wants us to be humble, but these women are judged by height of their hair.  The higher the hair, the more righteous they are.  People know it by looking at them.  I would never want to be judged by hair whether I loved my Father in Heaven more than the next person.  That is terrible and it is degrading.  If this was the rule across the board, with my mostly flat hair I would have thrown into outer darkness by now.  My husband on the other hand can sport a pretty nice afro when he hasn’t had a hair cut in a while.  I wasn’t even sure that was possible on a white guy.

Happy Anniversary dear!  I love you more than life itself!

Redneck Roundup

We live on a farm.  Have we ever farmed? No.  Well take that back, about 15 years ago we had a small head of cattle we thought we would try our hands out on.  These cows were fine until they got bigger and decided to get out one Sunday.  I left for church leaving my husband behind.  The last I saw of him as I was pulling out was him scaling the fence in his suit.  When he eventually showed up to church he was wearing something different.  I didn’t want to know what happened because he was already mad, but I was stupid enough to ask anyway.  He had split out his pants climbing  the fence.  We sold the cows and and partied hard on the money we got for them.

That has been the extent of farming.  We have either let someone else use the land for farming or else did nothing with it.  We have sworn off renting to anyone with animals.

Cowboys and roundups are synonymous.  Roundups involves getting on a horse and herding the animals from one grazing area to another.  This usually takes more than one cowboy to accomplish this task.  Many times we will have a road shut down for a bunch of cows.

Some cowboys are on the trails for days or even weeks.  But, not my husband.  He tried his hand today at rounding up cattle that perhaps cowboys might want to take a lesson from.

My husband’s car is the butt of many jokes in this house.  We call it the “Grandma Car” because it is the kind old people drive. He uses it for work and it truly is a piece of carp.  It has a huge dent in one side with the paint scraped off.  We have gotten our $500 out of it though. None of the kids want to ride in it and my son had to take it for his driver’s test because my truck’s air compressor went out.  He was dying, in fact he apologized to the cop for him having to ride in it.

I came home from school today and noticed there were tire marks going across the lawn and into the field.  I came in to the house and asked my husband who had been driving through the field.  He told me he went on a cattle drive.   He had come home and found a few cows in the yard.  Instead of getting out of the car and chasing them home, he decided that “grandma” would be more effective.

Knowing my husband, this would  not have been a quiet drive through the country.  He is a fairly patient individual, but even patient people have their moments of aggrevation. I am sure there are huge patches of earth torn up from “grandma’s”  acceleration abilities.   We have a few acres of land and I am not entirely sure how many of those acres were covered by him and “grandma” today, the tire marks disappear after a point.  I really quit asking questions after awhile because I figure what I don’t know I don’t have to confess to.  The next step is to buy my husband a cowboy hat, a pair of boots, some chaps and a new oil pan.

My kids better NEVER say anything to me again about “herding” with the BB gun.  Oh, and by the way….Grandma isn’t for sale, so don’t call the number.  I am not exactly sure who the number belongs to.

Raising Happy Kids.

Laundry Nightmares

When my husband and I first got married, we had no washer and dryer.  Some days I would get off  work and pick him up at his parents house where he had been doing laundry all day.  I have to give him huge props for this because…..his mother didn’t have a conventional washer.   You guessed it, she had one of those old ringer washers.  I couldn’t believe it when my husband told me he had been doing laundry all day on one of those.  We then would take the laundry to a laundromat and dry them.  Became a huge pain in the wazoo.

We finally were able to purchase us a used washer and dryer.  Modern conveniences are highly under appreciated.

If you are like me, it seems like with every child that came along I had more and more laundry to do and got behind more and more.  Hikers don’t need to spend money on airline tickets to Nepal and months of physical preparedness to hike Everest.  They can just come to my house and climb it.  It is always there, lurking…waiting….and daring someone to attack it.

Many times I have come home to find that my husband has decided to help me out and do the laundry.  I have learned not to complain about the way he folds things if he is willing to help.  My mother was a stickler for the way towels should be folded and put in the closet.  I used to secretly unfold the towels and refold them after my husband did so that it wouldn’t drive me nuts.  I don’t do that anymore.  I will take the help where I can get it.

As much as I love his help with this task, there are some serious fallouts from it.  I am not sure if my husband understands the concept of “sort”.  I have found delicates that look…..I can’t even describe how they look.  A couple of winters ago, I bought my daughters some really cute beanies with braids.  When folding the laundry one day, I pulled one of them out and well……it was very apparent that the hat was made of wool.  It should have never been put in the dryer.  It now fits our pug Lola.  Doesn’t she look beautiful?

Another good example of how the “non-sort” and “everything goes in the dryer” thinking can be disastrous:  At the time, I was a teacher in my LDS ward.  It was my Sunday to teach and I pulled out a pair nylons to wear.  All was good until I got to church and sat down.  I immediately realized that there was a huge problem with the nylons.  My dear husband, bless his heart, had washed and dried my nylons.  When I went to the bathroom to see what was going on with them, I could see that first: The nylons looked like a cat had used them for a scratching post.  Second: the waistband was all stretched to heck.  I stood there thinking, “What the heck?”  when I realized that my husband must had sent them through the wash.

As I went through my lesson, which thank goodness was in front of only ladies, the more terrible the situation became.  Everytime I raised my arm to write on the chalk board, the nylons would fall down.  It got to where I had to hold on to them everytime I lifted an arm to keep them from dropping clear to the floor.

By the time I left church and arrived at the back door of my house, my nylons were to my knees.  By the time I got to my room….they were around my ankles.  I didn’t have the heart to explain the situation to my husband.

Flash forward to yesterday.  He was home from work and I had school.  When I came home, I was cleaning up the front room and turned to see him carrying a load of laundry to the bedroom to be folded.  In it…..some of my delicates that were mixed up with jeans, etc.  Not sure what I am going to find, but when I pray at night, I thank my Father in Heaven for a husband who does  laundry.  This is what helps me look past his “non-sorting” ways.  I will just have to put the delicates in the witness protection program to save their lives.

What the heck ya doin’?

I think almost every phone conversation I have with family begins with, “What The Heck ya doin’?”. So many answers can come from this one question. Frequently there is admittance that someone is sitting on the John doing their morning “consitutional”. That is fine with me as long as telephone lines cannot process smells.

Crazy is probably the best word to describe me. I have to have at least one great big belly laugh a day. That is because with life there is so much stress. Laughing is a great counter reaction to that. I have to beat others at laughing at me. Life is crazy and nothing makes it more bareable than seeing all the funniness in everyday situations.

This morning I was contemplating the dating years and my husband and I. Frequently he would leave love letters on my car while I was at work. My car had broke down and I was required to drive my father’s beloved hoopty to work for a couple of days. Unbeknowns to me a guy working in one of the buildings next to us had the same car. My husband came by one day to leave a note of undying love and put it on this poor man’s car by .

Many thoughts go through my mind on what exactly he was thinking when he saw this note, signed, “Love, Jay”. Of course, my husband took it all in stride. Somewhat embarassed, but then figured he would never see the guy to have to explain. Jay is not much of a “belly” laugher. He is very mellow and perhaps 10 times in 20 years, I have seen him totally let loose with a huge laugh. It has to be REALLY funny for him to laugh. His dry sense of humor is what drew me into his infectuous personality.

So when I call and ask…”What The Heck ya doin’?” make up something good.