Tag Archive: Pranks

Gotta Love Kids

You know that feeling, when you get into bed at night and all of a sudden you revert back to a child and think for a split second..”Is something under my bed?” Maybe you don’t, but many times I have found myself thinking that.

I have been scared many times in my life by real life “creepers” so I tend to have an overactive imagination with some things.

We have some “interesting” neighbors that have moved in that have made us more vigilant when it comes to making sure things are locked up when we leave, etc. I  hate feeling like this in my own home. It didn’t used to be like this.

Well we are very active in our church and attend meetings every Sunday. When you live in the type of neighborhood I live in, most people know when you are gone on Sundays and at what times and for how long. This is information  that you really don’t want people knowing if they want to break into your house.

So each week in the back of my mind I think, “They know we are gone, I hope they don’t try anything”.

Two weeks ago, we came home from church and I had just come out of the bathroom. I was singing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, or at least trying to because I couldn’t past “Chippewa on down” because I couldn’t remember the words. So I was in my own little world trying to figure out what the next words were. I came around the end of my bed and turned to go out the door when something grabbed my ankle from underneath the bed.

I really shouldn’t have to explain my reaction. It was like having a near death experience. I screamed for at least 2 minutes before I heard my daughter laughing. She is lucky she started laughing or the adrenaline might have jumped and  I might  have started kicking her in the face.

I seriously had to sit down after this. Have you ever been scared so bad that your heart hurt? My heart was pounding so hard it hurt. I sat there breathing hard and holding my breath. Like Fred Sanford does when the “Big One” is coming:

Anyway, I decided that the next time I sing The Wreck of the Edmund Fiztgerald it will be Tim Hawkins version:

So my first two children were girls. Girls were so much fun.  I could dress them up and they got along most of the time. Rarely did I have a smack down between the two of them. My next two children were boys.

Boys are an entirely different species all together. When my boys were younger, they got along great together. Better than the girls. As they grew into teens, I started noticing BIG differences in their behavior. I am not sure where in the genetic code of humans that the burping and farting in public gene mutated in males. This is hard to understand as a female and one that I will never understand. For some reason the teenage…and I might add, older aged male, seem to think this is the best way for impressing the babes.  Let me put that myth to rest right now. That would be no.

When my youngest son turned 13 something changed. Not only did he change, but he passed whatever he had on to my son that was 15.  My polite 15-year-old son suddenly started farting wars with the 13-year-old.  Two years later despite my constant nagging things have not changed.

This is not the only problem with teenage boys.  The burping and farting they are constantly doing seems to drown out common sense or deadened it.  I am still not sure which.  I truly believe they will do anything to embarrass me even if it isn’t on purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my boys and they make me laugh everyday. They are hilarious, but they come with horrible side effects sometimes.  Take my trip to town a couple of days ago.  We came to a store where they were selling newspapers outside of the door.  I am sorry, but I hate this.  I hate being  jumped at a store door without an exit route.  I have told these guys over and over that I do not want a newspaper.  As I sat in the car looking at the front door and trying to figure out how to get into the store without getting a sales pitch, my son says this “I got an idea, I will just go up and “pants” him and then when he is distracted you can go into the store. I bet he will never want to sell anything to you after that”.  After I recovered from envisioning this scene, we opted to go through the garden area and avoid him altogether. I wasn’t sure my son wouldn’t try something.

Amongst my purchases at this store was a toilet plunger. As I am getting into the car, I find that my car has a new hood ornament which took some doing for him to get it off after he put it there.  I seriously counted my blessings that I saw that before I got going down the road.  Once we get going down the highway he then proceeds to stick the plunger on the roof of the car to pretend it is a police siren, you know like in the movies. I had to put up with this for 7 miles.  With my neighbor driving right behind me the whole 7 miles.  Then he has the nerve to tell me that he wants to make a bow that will shoot one. Guaranteed, I will be the first to get it in the face.

Then the other day we went into a store. I was stuck there with him again despite the many times I have told him he is not coming with me ever again.  We came out of the gardening area and started down an aisle where we both saw this really cool green glass looking ball. We both reached for it at the same time to feel it. After touching it we realized it was plastic and that is was a toy ball.  My son quickly  grabbed it and started reading the label.  “Hey”, he says “this says this ball can bounce 150 feet in the air, I don’t believe it”.  As soon as the, “I don’t believe it” came out I knew he was going to see if the claim was true. The first words out of my mouth was, “Don’t do it”.  He must have turned off his “hearing aids” and decided that not only was he going to bounce it on the floor, but he better make sure he gives it enough power that it will do what it claims. He was standing at the top of one aisle and I started down another aisle just as he bounced it.

I looked up to see the ball go through the ceiling tiles.  This was a good 30 feet up.  The ball hit those tiles just right that it lifted them up and turned them enough that they fell out of the rim they were sitting in and came down on his head.  I personally did not stick around for the whole thing to play out.  When I saw the sky falling, I wasted no time in disappearing.

My first thought…”Dang it, they just saw everything on security cameras”.  My second thought, I am getting out of here before they realize he belongs to me.

When my son finally caught up to me, he begins to complain about the paper cut that one of them gave him on his face.  No, “sorry mom, I should have listened to you”.  No, nothing.  It has been 3 days and still no apology. Perhaps someday when he has a son I will get an apology. Because despite my hopes for change, I think the gene will mutate in his future sons also.

Can I Embarrass Myself Enough?

I grew up in a family that enjoyed having a good time.  My brothers were constantly pranking us five girls.  Of course we would always pay back. One particular week stands out more than others when one of my brothers was off work and made our lives miserable.  In the process we all started pranking each other something terrible.  My father even got in the action.  Which was out of the norm.  Usually Mom was the one who would go toilet papering with us kids and other “various activities”, all good and legal fun (at least it was legal back then). Toilet papering was our favorite thing to do. If you got toilet papered, you were the coolest people on the block. I remember my friend and I saving up tons of paper towel and toilet paper to get a boy’s house that I had “liked”.  I remember one buying spree prompted the store checker to ask us what we were up to….we just smiled.  Admitted nothing.

This  particular week off for my brother was a nightmare for the rest of us.  We would find the neck and arm holes of our pajamas sewn shut when we put them on.  We found the legs of our nylons sewn together.  My mom found her clothes missing (that was my dad), my brother found a brazier in his gym bag while he was in the boys locker…(this was a  good one).  My sister found a fake snake in her bed and we found fake spiders (that looked very real) hanging from our ceilings.  We were renting this home and the basement was unfinished.  My father had been in the military and somewhere my parents had picked up military cots for us to sleep on.  We came home from school to find all of these nailed to the beams on the ceiling. We came home and found our beds outside..this was in the winter.  We got my brother back by hanging all of his clothes off the roof of the house, including his tidy whiteys.  We put vinegar in his cologne….(I think this made my extremely patient brother upset) At this point, things were getting out of hand. We knew my father had had enough when we built a snowman in the front yard and instead of using a broom, we used a toilet plunger.  This did not sit well with him.

One prank that went bad was my sister had put shoes above a door that led downstairs hoping that she would nail someone in the head when they opened the door.  Well she did alright….the telephone repairman.  Nailed him good she did, then she blamed it on the younger, less-defensive siblings.

Anyway..this  is kind of the way my family is.  One of my sisters imparticular will call and give any child of mine that answers the phone…including my husband….a good teasing about one thing or another before asking for me.  I pretty much do the same to her children or my other sister’s children. There have been times when she or I or another sister will pass on the street and pull the old “finger up the nose” gag to be funny.  These types of things are just normal for us.

The other day, my sister called asking me to help my nephew do his taxes.  She gave me his cell phone number and I gave him a call.  I was half way through giving him crap about how I work cheap, etc…when the voice on the other end told me I had the wrong number.  Well…that was embarrassing.  If we weren’t always trying to pull one over on each other, then things like this wouldn’t happen.  Take today for instance:

I went to help my sister do something for my father.  She left before I did, but I came upon her at an intersection.  As I came closer, I decided I was really going to get her good.  She was directly behind a truck that was waiting to make a left hand turn.  There was no one in front of me and I was going straight.  I went really slow and stopped right by her.  I stuck my finger up my nose as far as I could get it and put the stupidest look I could conjure up on my face.  I sat there right next to her knowing full well she would see the color of my car and turn and look.  Sure enough, when I turned to see the look on her face half expecting her finger to be up her nose too…I came face to face with an irate looking woman who did not resemble my sister at all.

I don’t think I have ever covered my identity as fast as I did at that moment.  I sat there thinking to myself…”idiot, idiot, idiot”.  How could I mistake that car for my sister.  I ran through my head where the car was exact make, model and color.  Her big hair looked like my sister’s big hair from the back……yada yada yada..

If I was not constantly trying to pull one over on somebody, stupid things like this would not happen to me.  Next time, I will be more cautious.  I will drive up slowly take a good look to make sure it is who I think it is…then I will shove my finger up my nose.  Problem solved.

So the saying “Jumpier than a one-legged man in a butt kicken contest” could not describe me more.  I don’t like being scared.  Nothing is worse than watching a scary movie and having someone scare you just before you are “supposed” to get scared or having someone come up behind you unexpectedly.  I had an incident that happened to me a few years ago that almost ruined my life as I know it.

I used to walk religiously at 6:00 a.m. everyday, 6 days a week.  Never missed.  With this came the ability to recognize cars and know when they pass.  Most of them would pass me at the same time of morning.  One particular morning I was walking and I came upon this really sharp corner.  I heard this truck coming and I knew how this particular driver drove.  I decided to cross the street rather than run the risk of this kid hitting me on the inside corner.

As I crossed the road and turned the corner, there sat a car that was not supposed to be there.  I immediately recognized it as a car that should have been passing me about 30 minutes later from this time.  I didn’t realize that someone was in the car until I walked by.  Thanks to the crazy kid driver in the truck, I was not forced to walk directly by the car, I was  on the other side of the road.  When I realized someone was in the car and it was parked behind some piles of dirt, things started feeling weird to me.  All the hairs on my neck started standing up and I knew that something was not right with the situation.  I immediately pulled out my cell phone and called me sister who lived across the street from me.  My husband was at work and I needed someone quick.  While not letting this guy know I suspected anything, I kept walking in the same direction.  He pulled out and turned the corner only to turn around and come back up the street behind me.

I held my breath and walked as fast as I could, all the time waiting for my brother-in-law to show up.  The car drove by me slowly and as soon as it was a hundred feet or so in front of me, I turned and hauled butt so fast that I nearly sat the road on fire.  My brother-in-law was just up the street and got me just seconds from the time I turned around.

I learned from this experience to never be predictable in some situations.  I also have become extremely jumpy and I blame a lot of it on this situation and also from a lot of break-ins or attempted break-ins to the homes I lived in as a kid.  I have many weapons by my bed and my husband is scared to come into the house unannounced.

Well, tonight he unexpectedly got me real good.  I think he knows when he can scare me and not have the carp beat out of him as opposed to, “I know better than to do it to her now”.

We were going to go look at a couch a lady was selling and my son was riding with me, while my husband was riding with our neighbor.  We were at our the house just getting ready to leave when my sons says, “Mom, did you check the car to make sure no one was in it?”  I told him no, that dad had just been in the Durango and I knew no one was in there.  “Still”, he said, we should check.  This was more for his benefit I think.  He turned on the inside light while we sat in the seats and looked behind and then turned off the light.  All the while telling me that I should check things like that. While we were thus having this conversation, unbeknownst to me, my husband had walked up to the truck and knocked on my window.  It was dark outside and I could barely see him.

Can I just say that I absolutely needed a new pair of pants.  I nearly jumped into my son’s lap.  My husband was lucky I wasn’t packing any “heat”.  We were a couple of miles up the road before my heart stopped pounding.

This little side effect I have has been a joke in the family.  A couple of Halloween’s ago, I was at my sister’s house and we had just got done doing the whole trick-or-treating thing.  We walked out the door to leave and me being completely stupid did not notice when my husband opened the door that my nieces husband was hiding in the back seat with a mask on.  I was laughing and joking with the family and jumped in the car.  No one else got in.  I wondered for a split second what was taking them so long.  I looked out my window and then turned to look at the driver side door to see where my husband was, when I came face to face with “The Mask”.  I screamed a blood curdling scream, leapt out of the car nearly slamming the nephew in the door.  This nearly killed me.  I cannot begin to tell you had long after this incident I shook.  The closest thing to a near death experience he and I may ever experience.

Try as I might, I cannot overcome this problem.  I just get more weapons to add to my arsenal.  I really don’t think this is helping the situation.  A jumpy woman with loads of weapons is an accident waiting to happen.  Perhaps someday I will be the one getting the last laugh.  Perhaps…..

Doggie Buffet!

Every neighborhood has one right?…The dog that won’t stay out of everyone’s garbage?  We happen to be so lucky as to have two.  The other day I happened to look out the front window and saw one of the critters actually inside of my garbage can.  A few years back, the county I live in went to what we call the “Black Beauties”.  Everyone has these huge plastic garbage cans with wheels.  Anyway I am not sure if the dog tipped the can over or if the garbage truck did when it put it down, but all I could see was the dog’s butt.  That was a new strategy, I have to admit.

Our nightmare happened on Monday, January 2.  We thought the garbage people had the day off to celebrate the New Year. No, they showed up and  half the street didn’t have their cans up to the road.  This was right after Christmas and everyone  had extra garbage.  So we had to take to inconspicuously stacking it by the side door until the next week’s pickup.  Unfortunately “Sherlock and Watson” found the garbage yesterday.  I wasn’t sure at first it was the dogs until later.

When leaving for school, I saw a box where it shouldn’t have been.  I came home, picked up the box and stuck it in the garbage.  Later that afternoon I left to run my son up the street and saw a somewhat nicely laid out buffet on my front lawn.  Salsa, oranges and chocolate milk.  As we were pulling out of the driveway and seeing various pieces of garbage scattered up the driveway, I was mumbling and threatening the culprits.  As we got to the top of the drive, I saw “Sherlock” making her way down the road.  My son had made the comment that the two of them were “working” the street.  One on one side and one on the other, although we only saw “Sherlock”.  I watched her as I pulled out of the driveway and sure enough she returned to the scene of the crime.  I floored it to get back home before more garbage was strewn up the driveway.

When we returned “Watson” had showed up, thus verifying the “working the streets” theory.  When she saw us, she hauled butt out of there.  

One time “Sherlock” left a cow head on our lawn.  Yes..you heard me right a cow head.  My husband threw it in the trash.  Do you know how many times I was startled by that head when I opened that can?

I would like to hide something in the garbage can that would literally scare the crap right out of the next dog that attempted theft.  Something spring-loaded, so that when that lid was moved…. Although, I think I would be the first to get it right in the keester.  I would forget and open it. I know I would.  Got to put the mind in gear to come up with something to deter them.  I will market it with my crapapult and make millions.

Stupid Human Tricks

One day the kids and I were sitting around talking about what strange things we could do with body parts.  None of us were prepared for my daughter’s response, “I can do the Live Long and Prosper” sign that Spock does on Star Trek.  We are all thinking, O.K. a lot of us can do this until she says, “with my toes”.  What?  I didn’t believe it.

Sure enough, she rips off her shoe and does it.  After we all laughed our guts out. My husband attempted to do this with his hand.  He was still trying to do it after an hour.  So I am pretty sure this talent comes from my side of the family.

I begged her to let me take a picture to post, but I guess the world is not quiet ready to be exposed to this kind of talent.  She adamantly refused. Wasn’t happening.

My sister has the ability to do the “Hang Ten” with her toes.  I have the ability to break mine, so I am not anywhere near their league.  But I do have a special talent.  I like to prank.  The kids have become my target this week.  Every once in awhile I have to pull something out so that they don’t get to comfortable.

My daughter came home from school yesterday with this weed stuck to the front of her car.  It does make me wonder it where came from.  Anyway this morning I thought I would have a little fun and gussy up her car.

My only hope is that she actually makes it to school and work with this thing still attached.  That would make my day.

Yesterday I graffitied my other daughter’s car while she was in school.  I drew her nickname all over the back and other various art in fluorescent colors.  It was great!  We call her Crazy Feathers because of her hair.  She can have to wildest hair in the morning. I have seen only my hair to compare and then it has paled in comparison to hers.

The boys are next.  The wheels are turning.

My son snuck contraband into his school locker. It was a case of root beer.  I could go and shake up all the cans and then see what happens.  I just hope that the dope sniffing dogs don’t have a thing against root beer.

I do have something really good planned for these two.  I just have to wait a week to pull it off.  So in the meantime, I will do a very special surprise for my husband. (Insert evil grin)

This is really therapy for the soul.  Nothing that gets you up and moving like a good prank!  It has been determined that it lowers your cholesterol and burns calories.

Revenge on Pop!

So yesterday, after medicating myself, I decided to break it to my husband what his Halloween costume was going to be this year.  It involves wearing tights with a built-in speedo and a mask, hence…the medication.  I made him promise me that he would wear it before I told  him what it was.  So I have his word.   The look he gave me was indescribable.  I asked him to model for us.  He declined and so I put  it on my son.  It has major muscles built into it.  My husband looked at it like, “I can’t believe I just promised to wear this”.

Well later in the evening, I happened upon the kids urging him to try it on.  He got  the costume on and I had to leave the room because I was laughing too hard.  Well, I heard one of my kids dare him to run to the mailbox and back.  This is about 150 feet from the front door.  I yelled from the kitchen that I Double Dog Dared him.

As I walked back into the front room, he was walking out the door.  I couldn’t  believe he was going to do it.  Just as he got out the front door, my daughter locked him out.  I looked out the window to see the neighbors pulling out of their driveway.  My husband started to panic as he realized the door was locked.  He was yelling to let  him in as all of us was laughing our heads off.  Finally I told my daughter she better let him in.  The minute she unlocked the door, she took off faster than a cat caught in the garbage.

My poor husband.  I think  had he known our lives would have come to this later on down the road he might not have married me.  I think I am too much to handle at times.  The thing that baffles me is this…..he should have known that the minute he walked out the door, that our children would have pulled something on him.  There is no way I would have walked out that door.  I can’t trust them.  It did not surprise me at all that my daughter did that.  They are too much like me in that aspect.

So, Halloween…look out, here we come.  By the way, does anyone have a convertible Cadillac with fins?  I need to borrow one.

Week of Horror

I grew up in a house full of pranksters.  I am not entirely sure which side of the family this came from, but I would guess most of that was my mother’s side.  She told many a story about my grandfather and his outhouse tipping days.  One particular story was  of a particular gentleman that lived in their area who had a rather ornery nature and so the young men in the town decided to have some “fun”.  They had pranked this poor old man so many times that he would take his shotgun with him to the outhouse.  This particular day, my grandfather and a couple of his buddies were waiting for him.  When he went into the outhouse to do his duty, they jumped from the bushes with rope and tied the door shut then tipped over the outhouse.  The poor man was sticking his shotgun through the moon on the door threatening the perpetrators if they didn’t let him out.  Not sure  how long he was there before being found.  I don’t recall any stories of them getting him out.

I remember being at a family reunion and we went back to my mother’s hometown and my great-grandmother’s house still had an outhouse.  No indoor plumbing.  My aunt decided to use the outhouse.  Her two sisters, one being my mother, decided to try to tip over the outhouse.  My aunt was not happy with them.  I add my mother’s involvement because I have two brother’s that do these types of things to people.  It was not good that there were five of us girls in the house with two older brothers who enjoyed nothing more than seeing us squirm.

When I was 10 years old, one of my brothers had a week off from work.  It was the middle of winter and he was bored.  This was one of the most miserable weeks of my life, yet one of the most memorable of my childhood.  Every day I would come home from school and find that my brother had done something to someone.  We had an unfinished basement and we all slept on metal framed army cots.  My brother nailed all of the beds to the ceiling. 

Then one night he hid a fake rattlesnake in my sister’s bed and hid under it with real rattlesnake rattlers.  I think I suffer from some hearing loss after that incident.  Another night we found out how well my brother could sew when we all found the necks and arms of our pajamas sewed shut. 

After a couple of days of this, us girls decided that we were going to get even.  My  brother always went to the gym, so we filled his gym bag full of bras, pantyhose and other various women’s apparel.  That one went over good when he went to pull out his gym clothes and those things fell out.

Then we took and made a makeshift clothesline on the roof of the house, (this was in the winter mind you and we had about a foot of snow or more) and hung all of my brother’s clothes on it and put his bed on the roof of the house. 

Not all pranks went as well as we would have hoped.  My sister pulled the old “put a pair of shoes over the door frame” prank.  This is where you balance a pair of shoes on top of a door and the frame thus hitting the unsuspecting person who opened the door in the head with the shoes.  This particular day, my sister was actually trying to get my brother and she forgot they were on the door.  A repairman came to fix the phone or something and opened the door only to get hit in the head with the pair of shoes.  She blamed her little sisters for that one.

My sister and I decided to be funny and we built a lovely snowman in the front yard  and instead of a broom, we put a toilet plunger in the snowman’s hand.  Of all that was done this week, this offended my poor southern bred father like nothing else.  I just wasn’t proper to do something like that.  I have often laughed about that.  I remember waiting with my sister inside the house looking out the window to see the reaction we would get from my father.  We thought he would take it all in stride like everything else that week, but we were wrong.  We had crossed the line by exposing the family toilet plunger to the public.  I guess we learned that day what lines not to cross.

Even though my brothers live across the country, they still find ways to prank the family.  Case in point:  I had a niece that got married and my  brother was not able to make it to the wedding.  The unsuspecting groom had never met my brother and did not know what he looked like.  He came to town one week and we decided to have a family get together to visit with him.  It was decided that we should prank  the newest member of the family.  My brother is an avid gun owner and works for the military.  He also is CIA certified.  This background gave us a grand idea. 

We were all sitting at my sister’s house having a grand old-time.  A knock came on the door.  My sister answered the door and it was my brother dressed as he always dresses, guns in every nook and cranny of his body.  He asked for my nephew-in-law.  This is where the prank began.  He proceeded to tell him that he had information regarding a certain family my nephew had met while serving an LDS mission in Canada.  (I might add that my nephew-in-laws family was in on the prank)  This family “supposedly” had ties to terrorism and they had information that my nephew was involved somehow.  As the story progressed, my niece’s husband was so scared he was almost in tears.  My brother escorted  him out of the house and to his car to take him in for “questioning”.  My hardcore prankster brother even was having a hard time with how this was affecting my nephew.  He got about 2 miles away from my sister’s house when he had to fess up to what was going on.

We were all waiting in the family room for him when he came  in.  Of course the house shook off the foundation from laughter when we saw him walk in.  unbeknownst to us, my nephew-in-law has a family full of pranksters too so we have all had our share of paybacks.

It was epic and as to date the best prank ever pulled.

I know that by admitting this, I am baring my soul to the world.  But I also know that I am a different person than what I used to be 20+ years ago.  So I have learned from my thoughtless reactions to certain things and have mellowed out in this area of my life.

To give an example of what I used to be like a few years ago, my mother and I used to take walks together a lot when I was a young adult 18 to be exact.  When we would take walks, I would load my pockets full of chestnuts and throw them at certain things while walking.  O.K. I would throw them at cats.  I had and still have a strong dislike for the feline species for reasons I won’t touch on.  This one particular day, my mother and I was crossing the main street in our town to get to the other side of the road.  This car load of teens came flying down the road.  We were in the meridian and they were heading straight  for us.  I believe they were trying  to scare us.  Which I have to admit worked.  Well out of nothing more than sheer adrenaline I grabbed a chestnut out of my pocket and threw it at them.  It went through the open window of the car and hit the kid in the back seat in the head.  My mother unawares of what I had just done, stood there with her mouth open at what they had just done to us.  I turned to her and said,”Mom I think we should run across the road…….now…. and as fast as we can”.  While running to the bank, I proceeded to tell her what I had just done.  We ducked down inside the bank hoping that the car didn’t come back looking for us.  My mother was shocked at what I had done, but I have to admit…..I got that feistiness from her side of the family.  I  have  heard the stories, I know.  I  think down deep she knew.

This leads up to the following story.  About 5 years later, I was married and had a couple of kids.  My  mother and I were on our way to the local Kmart.  It was a hot summer day and I had had a rough day with the kids.  When we got in the parking lot, I was driving around trying to find a close spot because it was easier with the kids.  I found one after a few minutes near the front and sat with my blinker on waiting for the car to pull out so I could  take their spot.  Just like lightning, a woman in a car came ripping around the corner and pulled into the spot without any thought of me sitting  there signaling.

My mom and I both sat there with out mouths open as she jumped out of her car and walked past us with a look on her face as to say, “Ha ha ha, got your spot”.  This really made me mad.  I will admit that.  It was rude and tasteless to do that to someone.  So I figured I would  repay a deed for a deed.  This is where the bad choice comes in.  My daughter had on a bad diaper and we decided to change it  before going into the store.  I grabbed the diaper to take and put into a garbage can outside the store because I didn’t want it smelling my car up.  As we walked past this car, I found myself throwing the dirty diaper through the sunroof of this “parking-spot stealing woman”.  It was if some magical force picked up my arm and made me throw it.  I was almost shocked myself that I did that.

My mother again stood with her mouth hanging open.  As I continued walking, I turned to my mother and told her that I hope the woman was in Kmart for a good long time so that the diaper had a good long time to get really ripe with the heat. 

I have repented of my ways.  I am slow to anger now-a-days and regret the feisty temper I had at a young age.  Children have a tendency to either mellow you out and teach patience or drive you over a cliff.  Mine has taught me patience, thank goodness.

Jump ahead to last week.  My father has a little apartment in a retirement center and we went to visit him for his birthday.  When we came out, I noticed something attached to the antenna of my car.  It was a dirty diaper.  For a split second I thought my prior transgressions had come back to haunt me.  Then I wondered if some poor old person had to change their Depends and had no place to put the soiled one.  When the shock passed, I realized that I had other family members that had been visiting my father too and that someone had totally pranked me.  Of course they all know the “diaper in the sunroof” story, so I am sure they all got a good laugh over it.  My only regret……I didn’t save it to put back in my sisters car on a nice hot summer day.  You know like the Bill Cosby story of the snowball in the freezer.  Waiting  until summer to get revenge.

Edgy Mom

Saying that I am edgy is definitely not admitting to a fashion sense all of my own.  I do have that, but not what my children would want to be seen in public with.  No, I am not talking about that kind of “edgy”, but more like “a cat on a hot tin roof” kind of edgy.  Certain experiences throughout my youth have caused me to be very jumpy and yes, paranoid.  These are not secrets that you want your spouse knowing about you not to mention letting your teenage children know about you.  Mine has accidentally found out by their own observance.

My kids are constantly telling me how paranoid and jumpy I am.  I guess I am, but I do have some good excuses to be and besides being paranoid to a point makes you more alert to your surroundings.  This can be a good thing.  Unfortunately, I get grief from my kids all of the time because of how I am.  I have told them many times that if anyone ever grabs me to do harm, even if I die…they won’t have a problem finding the perp because he will look like he has totally had the carp beat out of him twice.  (I have to say carp because my children told me I shouldn’t say crap).

I have a small dresser by my bed that contains various items that could be used as self-protection.  I don’t think I will list them, some of them might be illegal to own.  Anyway, my husband works various shifts and has told me on many occasions that he would rather stay outside all night than to walk in on me in the dark unannounced.  The bat would probably be the first thing I would grab since my P22 is a little harder to get to.  He thinks it is funny to sit on the couch by me while watching scary movies just so he can grab my leg during an intense part  to see me jump.  I remember watching “Signs” and nearly losing it when the alien leg came out of the corn field. I am not sure this is healthy or not and I am not getting into that discussion with anyone.  Because I am who I am.  Just don’t sneak up behind me and I won’t black your eye. 

To get to my point, my children have used this information against me all of the time.  My son’s think it is funny to scare me.  My husband has seen me clear air many times when I didn’t know he was in the same room with me.  Well last night my daughter thought it would be funny for me to hear the video I will add at the end of this post.  I have to add that along with my jumpiness, I am also claustrophobic.  My  brother rolled me up in a carpet when I was about 3 or 4 years old and I freaked out.  Have never recovered from that. I remember trying to move a couch down a flight of stairs by myself and I got stuck in-between the couch and stairs trying to unjam it from the railing.  I thought to myself,”I am going to die here.  Jay will come home and find my rotting carcus stuck in this hole”.  It was not funny at the time.  Maybe now, but not then. This is why this video freaked me out.  

Whenever I hear, “Mom you want to hear something?”, or “Mom you want to see this freaky video?”  I know that I am about to get into something I don’t want to get into.  This happened last night and of course I performed exactly for my daughter the way she expected.  Swatting at my head and ears like a stupid idiot.  So to those poor souls out there that suffer as I do, this one is for you.  Just remember listen with headphones in and close your eyes.  It is a wild ride!