Tag Archive: revenge


Can I Embarrass Myself Enough?

I grew up in a family that enjoyed having a good time.  My brothers were constantly pranking us five girls.  Of course we would always pay back. One particular week stands out more than others when one of my brothers was off work and made our lives miserable.  In the process we all started pranking each other something terrible.  My father even got in the action.  Which was out of the norm.  Usually Mom was the one who would go toilet papering with us kids and other “various activities”, all good and legal fun (at least it was legal back then). Toilet papering was our favorite thing to do. If you got toilet papered, you were the coolest people on the block. I remember my friend and I saving up tons of paper towel and toilet paper to get a boy’s house that I had “liked”.  I remember one buying spree prompted the store checker to ask us what we were up to….we just smiled.  Admitted nothing.

This  particular week off for my brother was a nightmare for the rest of us.  We would find the neck and arm holes of our pajamas sewn shut when we put them on.  We found the legs of our nylons sewn together.  My mom found her clothes missing (that was my dad), my brother found a brazier in his gym bag while he was in the boys locker…(this was a  good one).  My sister found a fake snake in her bed and we found fake spiders (that looked very real) hanging from our ceilings.  We were renting this home and the basement was unfinished.  My father had been in the military and somewhere my parents had picked up military cots for us to sleep on.  We came home from school to find all of these nailed to the beams on the ceiling. We came home and found our beds outside..this was in the winter.  We got my brother back by hanging all of his clothes off the roof of the house, including his tidy whiteys.  We put vinegar in his cologne….(I think this made my extremely patient brother upset) At this point, things were getting out of hand. We knew my father had had enough when we built a snowman in the front yard and instead of using a broom, we used a toilet plunger.  This did not sit well with him.

One prank that went bad was my sister had put shoes above a door that led downstairs hoping that she would nail someone in the head when they opened the door.  Well she did alright….the telephone repairman.  Nailed him good she did, then she blamed it on the younger, less-defensive siblings.

Anyway..this  is kind of the way my family is.  One of my sisters imparticular will call and give any child of mine that answers the phone…including my husband….a good teasing about one thing or another before asking for me.  I pretty much do the same to her children or my other sister’s children. There have been times when she or I or another sister will pass on the street and pull the old “finger up the nose” gag to be funny.  These types of things are just normal for us.

The other day, my sister called asking me to help my nephew do his taxes.  She gave me his cell phone number and I gave him a call.  I was half way through giving him crap about how I work cheap, etc…when the voice on the other end told me I had the wrong number.  Well…that was embarrassing.  If we weren’t always trying to pull one over on each other, then things like this wouldn’t happen.  Take today for instance:

I went to help my sister do something for my father.  She left before I did, but I came upon her at an intersection.  As I came closer, I decided I was really going to get her good.  She was directly behind a truck that was waiting to make a left hand turn.  There was no one in front of me and I was going straight.  I went really slow and stopped right by her.  I stuck my finger up my nose as far as I could get it and put the stupidest look I could conjure up on my face.  I sat there right next to her knowing full well she would see the color of my car and turn and look.  Sure enough, when I turned to see the look on her face half expecting her finger to be up her nose too…I came face to face with an irate looking woman who did not resemble my sister at all.

I don’t think I have ever covered my identity as fast as I did at that moment.  I sat there thinking to myself…”idiot, idiot, idiot”.  How could I mistake that car for my sister.  I ran through my head where the car was exact make, model and color.  Her big hair looked like my sister’s big hair from the back……yada yada yada..

If I was not constantly trying to pull one over on somebody, stupid things like this would not happen to me.  Next time, I will be more cautious.  I will drive up slowly take a good look to make sure it is who I think it is…then I will shove my finger up my nose.  Problem solved.

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Doggie Buffet!

Every neighborhood has one right?…The dog that won’t stay out of everyone’s garbage?  We happen to be so lucky as to have two.  The other day I happened to look out the front window and saw one of the critters actually inside of my garbage can.  A few years back, the county I live in went to what we call the “Black Beauties”.  Everyone has these huge plastic garbage cans with wheels.  Anyway I am not sure if the dog tipped the can over or if the garbage truck did when it put it down, but all I could see was the dog’s butt.  That was a new strategy, I have to admit.

Our nightmare happened on Monday, January 2.  We thought the garbage people had the day off to celebrate the New Year. No, they showed up and  half the street didn’t have their cans up to the road.  This was right after Christmas and everyone  had extra garbage.  So we had to take to inconspicuously stacking it by the side door until the next week’s pickup.  Unfortunately “Sherlock and Watson” found the garbage yesterday.  I wasn’t sure at first it was the dogs until later.

When leaving for school, I saw a box where it shouldn’t have been.  I came home, picked up the box and stuck it in the garbage.  Later that afternoon I left to run my son up the street and saw a somewhat nicely laid out buffet on my front lawn.  Salsa, oranges and chocolate milk.  As we were pulling out of the driveway and seeing various pieces of garbage scattered up the driveway, I was mumbling and threatening the culprits.  As we got to the top of the drive, I saw “Sherlock” making her way down the road.  My son had made the comment that the two of them were “working” the street.  One on one side and one on the other, although we only saw “Sherlock”.  I watched her as I pulled out of the driveway and sure enough she returned to the scene of the crime.  I floored it to get back home before more garbage was strewn up the driveway.

When we returned “Watson” had showed up, thus verifying the “working the streets” theory.  When she saw us, she hauled butt out of there.  

One time “Sherlock” left a cow head on our lawn.  Yes..you heard me right a cow head.  My husband threw it in the trash.  Do you know how many times I was startled by that head when I opened that can?

I would like to hide something in the garbage can that would literally scare the crap right out of the next dog that attempted theft.  Something spring-loaded, so that when that lid was moved…. Although, I think I would be the first to get it right in the keester.  I would forget and open it. I know I would.  Got to put the mind in gear to come up with something to deter them.  I will market it with my crapapult and make millions.

So with yesterday being the last day before everyone went back to school, we wracked our brains trying to find something to do as our last “hurrah”.  After a lot of thoughtful contemplation we decided to have a Nerf gun war.  Feeling like I do today, I wish I wouldn’t have suggested it. We got all of the guns and ammo together and found a place for the war.  We sat up the bunkers and made up teams.  After the first round we decided that the teams weren’t working for us so it suddenly became a “free-for-all”. I realized after about 45 minutes why they suggest you wear protective eyewear.  I was hit in the face 4 times.  I nailed my son right between the eyes once and just as he turned around his sister shot him in the forehead.  Ears were impaled, and heads were shot.  Nothing was sacred people, nothing. One thing that has been a problem with me for years is that if I get laughing, I quickly become immobilized.  I lose all strength in the body and can do nothing to protect myself.  This is a huge weakness of mine and it has been used against me many times. Yesterday was no exception. Some of the Nerf ammo has velcro on one end.  I shot my daughter in the butt and the ammo was just hanging there.  She could not deny I hit her, the proof was there waving to the world. I started laughing so hard that I couldn’t pull it together.  In my moment of weakness, my son shot and hit me in the tooth.  That was it.  I fell to the ground unable to move because I was laughing so hard, tears flowing.  It took me a good 10 minutes to get myself back in the game. Not once was I able to be “King of the Ring”.  I never could get everyone out so that I was the last person standing.  I seriously need to brush up on my skills.  I have to admit I pwned on loading.  I could load and shoot faster than you can say “Bob’s Yer Uncle”.  I had to, I was an easy target for everyone, which pretty much sucked. It has been decided that the war must have a second, third and fourth round at least.  I have to admit, despite the pain…it was pretty fun.  Next time…game on.  I am showing up looking like Rambo.  There will be NO survivors. Someday I will have to decide to grow up…but today is not that day.

Meet My Mother

Have you ever had all the stars and planets align up just right for the perfect payback?  Well it is coming my direction and the payback will be Friday!  If I could count the many ways my children have embarrassed me…..I don’t think I can count that high.  Or even the times other kids have embarrassed their parents.  Like the time my nephew took off through Kmart wearing a lady’s brassiere.  Glad that wasn’t my kid.  Or how about the time that my son got up to the drive-up window at the bank and asked for farties because he couldn’t pronounce smarties.  Oh, that was a good one.  I think of that one every time I go to the bank.

Then there was the time that one of my dear, sweet darlings left a Wal-Mart smiley face sticker on the driver’s seat of the car and I unknowingly sat on it and then walked all around town with said smiley face stuck to my butt.  Have you ever had one of those moments when you become aware of everything at once.  In my mind I retraced every footstep I made with that thing stuck to me.

An acquiantance’s daughter waited until an insurance salesman came and decided to bring in her potty training seat and proceeded to poo in front of the guy.  I think he should have gotten the hint that he needed to leave at that point.  That would be a good salesman deterrent.

Then there was my husband who at age 3 went for a ride on his bike and decided to crawl through a fence, ripping of his britches.  The neighbor brought him home in one hand and his drawers in the other.  Made my mother-in-law want to move to another town nearly.

I am sure every mother has similar stories.  This week-end is serious paybacks.  Our community is having a Halloween party.  My husband, kids and I  go all out for Halloween.  This year….Superheroes!  Well my daughter informs me she has a date on Friday.  (Inner smile)

I am setting up for the party at 5:30.  It starts at 6:30.  Her date is supposed to be by at 6:00.  (Insert another evil grin) Because of the time constraint, I will have to set up in my costume.  It is a policy of my husband and I to meet my children’s dates whenever possible.  This time is no exception.

When I started explaining to my daughter that I had to help set up at 5:30, but I would run back home at 6:00 to meet the date…..she got real quiet and then I heard a low throttling moan.  She realized that Batgirl would be greeting her date that evening and I will be arranging for Batman to  be close behind.

She was still moaning this morning every time she heard me doing the evil giggle I so enjoy doing when I am about to do something that is somewhat gratifying in an evil way.  I LOVE IT!!!!  Heee heee heee!

It is unavoidable.  I apologized to her, but not very sincerely.  I am thinking the whole gang needs to meet the date;  Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Spiderman and Captain America.  Perhaps he might think to himself that if he tries anything with her, that he has a household of complete loons that will come after him.  Works for me!  I guess this will prove how interested he really is in her right??

This cannot be any weirder than the fly I found floating in my oatmeal this morning…..still not sure how that happened.  I know that was random, but it still haunts my memory.  Haven’t been able to eat anything all day because of it.  Yuck!

Scamail Insanitiy!

I know that most people have received an email at one point and time in their life that some dead relative that lives in a part of the world that you have never heard of has left you a giant inheritance….yada yada yada.  I will admit that the first time I saw one of these I just about bought into it.  They have now become common place.  I am so sick and tired of my dead relatives leaving me loads of cash and telling me that I have to prove whom I am with all kinds of personal information and shipping fees to get these millions.  (insert sarcasm)

Last night I received another one.  I will attach it so that you can see the lunacy in it:

After much attempts to reach you on phone, I deemed it necessary and urgent to contact you via your e-mail and to notify you finally about your outstanding compensation payment.

During our last annual calculation of your banking activities we have realized that you are eligible to receive a compensation payment of $2,811,041.00 USD.

This compensation is being made to all of you who have suffered loss as a result of fraud, accident or illness.

For more info, contact the assigned UPS agent for the delivery of your cashier check.

United Parcel Service (UPS)
Contact Name: Robert Ayo
Tel: +2347039278107

Please take note that you will pay a shipping/handling fee of $95.00 USD to UPS.

Thanks for your patience.

Fridrich Tamara K.
Programme Manager
United Nations Human Settlements Programme

First red f lag: They don’t know how to spell or how to make a sentence into correct English.

Second of course: I don’t have dead relatives dying to give me loads of cash.

Last night, I had had enough.  I am going to tell you how you can tell where these emails are coming from if you don’t know already.

If you go to the top of the email you should see something that says: Show Full Header or something like that.  If you show the full header, a page will come up with a lot of stuff that may look confusing.  If you will look, there will be a number.  It will look a little like this:

204.184.37.243

This is the IP number.  Basically it traces back to where the email came from. If you don’t know the exact name of a website but know the IP address you can actually find that website by the address.  Chances are though, if you don’t know the web page highly unlikely you will know the IP address.

Anyway,iIf you type this number into Google or some other search engine, you will see exactly where it came from.  I have had some from Africa or other places.  This one I got yesterday I found extremely interesting.

When I typed in the address it brought up a school district website that is located in Missouri.  The wheels began turning.  I realized that someone had used this schools computers to send out these scam emails.  They had even used one of the employees names as a contact which didn’t make sense.

So I decided I was going to do something about it.  I contacted the superintendent of the school and gave him all the information I had regarding the misuse of the schools computers in trying to obtain cash fraudulently.  Pretty sure they don’t want that coming back on them.  I hope they catch who did it.

I am not normally a vindictive sort of person, but I have had enough of these seedy people trying scam people out of money.  I hope they catch them and throw the book at them before some poor unsuspecting person actually buys into this garbage.

I could have solved the world’s hunger problem by the time I have collected all the money from my dead relatives or dead oil execs.  I just received another email this morning telling me that I have received 20 Million in british pounds from a sick lady named Sarah.  It came from a college in Australia.  Some poor sick college student wants me to have 20 million pounds.  I feel so lucky!

Scam Artist Revenge

I consider myself a non-revengeful person.  At least most of the time.  I did something a few days ago that would be considered revengeful.  Am I proud of it?  Not sure yet.  Along with the Kirby vacuum scam-a-marketers, I have also been receiving phone numbers from a diabetic company, or so they claim.  I can’t find any diabetic company with this phone number.

I have checked with the Better Business Bureau, Internet searches up the ying-yang and it produces nothing.  They keep calling over and over.  I keep hanging up over and over.  So today, I received another call from them.  I decided enough was enough.  After doing a few searches, it is the consensus of the majority that these people are trying to scam people out of money.  So I decided that I was going to get even.

I *67 ed and dialed the number.  After going through the whole computer automated message, I pushed #1.  That was the number to push to get a live person.  As I sat with anticipation for a real person to answer, I began to get a little smile on the face knowing full well what I was about to do.

Well, “Shirley” answered the phone and I pushed “mute” and just sat there not saying a word.  When I hung up, an evil little giggle erupted from my throat.  I should have stopped at that point, but revenge took over and a called repeatedly a few times with the same reaction.  Sometimes getting the same person, sometimes not. 

I  found it very liberating.  Perhaps while I kept them busy answering the phone, that was a few less people they could scam.  Do I feel guilty, no.

It reminded me of the day my son watched the infommercial on the Amish fireplace.  We had wondered how the Amish would be seen on TV given they don’t do electronics, etc.  While we were laughing and thinking how they roped the poor Amish into doing this, if they even were real Amish my son had decided to call the ordering phone number and have a word with them about their advertising.  The conversation went something like this, “I thought it was against Amish beliefs to be on TV?  How can it be an Amish fireplace if the Amish don’t believe in using electicity?”  I guess he went on and on frustrating the customer service agent to no end.  I was unaware of this happening until after the fact.  So I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

I don’t know the process these jokers go through to get everybody and their dog’s phone numbers.  Drives me insane.  Scam artist can get away with abusing the Do Not Call List, because the phone numbers they use are linked to someone else.  It is a complete rip-off people!