Tag Archive: stupid


So my first two children were girls. Girls were so much fun.  I could dress them up and they got along most of the time. Rarely did I have a smack down between the two of them. My next two children were boys.

Boys are an entirely different species all together. When my boys were younger, they got along great together. Better than the girls. As they grew into teens, I started noticing BIG differences in their behavior. I am not sure where in the genetic code of humans that the burping and farting in public gene mutated in males. This is hard to understand as a female and one that I will never understand. For some reason the teenage…and I might add, older aged male, seem to think this is the best way for impressing the babes.  Let me put that myth to rest right now. That would be no.

When my youngest son turned 13 something changed. Not only did he change, but he passed whatever he had on to my son that was 15.  My polite 15-year-old son suddenly started farting wars with the 13-year-old.  Two years later despite my constant nagging things have not changed.

This is not the only problem with teenage boys.  The burping and farting they are constantly doing seems to drown out common sense or deadened it.  I am still not sure which.  I truly believe they will do anything to embarrass me even if it isn’t on purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my boys and they make me laugh everyday. They are hilarious, but they come with horrible side effects sometimes.  Take my trip to town a couple of days ago.  We came to a store where they were selling newspapers outside of the door.  I am sorry, but I hate this.  I hate being  jumped at a store door without an exit route.  I have told these guys over and over that I do not want a newspaper.  As I sat in the car looking at the front door and trying to figure out how to get into the store without getting a sales pitch, my son says this “I got an idea, I will just go up and “pants” him and then when he is distracted you can go into the store. I bet he will never want to sell anything to you after that”.  After I recovered from envisioning this scene, we opted to go through the garden area and avoid him altogether. I wasn’t sure my son wouldn’t try something.

Amongst my purchases at this store was a toilet plunger. As I am getting into the car, I find that my car has a new hood ornament which took some doing for him to get it off after he put it there.  I seriously counted my blessings that I saw that before I got going down the road.  Once we get going down the highway he then proceeds to stick the plunger on the roof of the car to pretend it is a police siren, you know like in the movies. I had to put up with this for 7 miles.  With my neighbor driving right behind me the whole 7 miles.  Then he has the nerve to tell me that he wants to make a bow that will shoot one. Guaranteed, I will be the first to get it in the face.

Then the other day we went into a store. I was stuck there with him again despite the many times I have told him he is not coming with me ever again.  We came out of the gardening area and started down an aisle where we both saw this really cool green glass looking ball. We both reached for it at the same time to feel it. After touching it we realized it was plastic and that is was a toy ball.  My son quickly  grabbed it and started reading the label.  “Hey”, he says “this says this ball can bounce 150 feet in the air, I don’t believe it”.  As soon as the, “I don’t believe it” came out I knew he was going to see if the claim was true. The first words out of my mouth was, “Don’t do it”.  He must have turned off his “hearing aids” and decided that not only was he going to bounce it on the floor, but he better make sure he gives it enough power that it will do what it claims. He was standing at the top of one aisle and I started down another aisle just as he bounced it.

I looked up to see the ball go through the ceiling tiles.  This was a good 30 feet up.  The ball hit those tiles just right that it lifted them up and turned them enough that they fell out of the rim they were sitting in and came down on his head.  I personally did not stick around for the whole thing to play out.  When I saw the sky falling, I wasted no time in disappearing.

My first thought…”Dang it, they just saw everything on security cameras”.  My second thought, I am getting out of here before they realize he belongs to me.

When my son finally caught up to me, he begins to complain about the paper cut that one of them gave him on his face.  No, “sorry mom, I should have listened to you”.  No, nothing.  It has been 3 days and still no apology. Perhaps someday when he has a son I will get an apology. Because despite my hopes for change, I think the gene will mutate in his future sons also.

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I know it is a job and someone has to do it, but in my opinion the salesman is the worst job on the planet. I sometimes think a prerequisite for this job title is being obnoxious. The job in and of itself is obnoxious in nature.   To mix that with a personality of someone who has to be pushed to her limits before she would mistreat someone is nothing more than a setup to get taken advantage of.

As I have gotten older it is a lot harder for me to mistreat someone. I haven’t always been kind and have said hurtful things in the past, but it is just not in my nature anymore to mistreat someone.  I have to get really mad at someone before I rip into them and it takes a lot to get me to that point. I hate this about myself at times because it sets me up to get taken advantage of. My husband on the other hand is not like that, but I force him to be because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t think I have done him any favors.  Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a very kind, honest and truthful person and his fault to this is that he thinks everyone else is and so he trust people whom he shouldn’t.  Women’s intuition plays into this somewhat because if I have any red flags go up over anything, I don’t trust very quickly.  I am honest also, I am just more cautious.

This is where run ins with salesmen are just horrible for me.  I don’t trust any of them because of the experiences I have had with them and yet, I can’t mistreat them. My mother didn’t take garbage off of anyone and my father was the opposite.  I am most like my father in this way, but it took a salesman for me to see a side of my father I did not know existed.

When I was four years of age I remember being at home with my mom one day when a salesman tried breaking into our home. My mom was on the phone to her sister when the guy tried every door in the house.  Her and I was curled up in a corner of the kitchen hiding with the phone hoping the guy would leave.  It scarred me. I have never been trusting of them since this and I haven’t had one that has changed my mind.

Another time when after I was married and was home alone a guy showed up selling something. I told him I wasn’t interested and he insisted on coming back when my husband got home.  I thought to myself that if the guy showed up I wouldn’t open the door.  I had to leave for some reason and had put a note on a whiteboard for my husband that said this, “Some obnoxious salesman said he was going to show up tonight.  If he comes, don’t answer the door”.  Well, I came home and had gone upstairs for awhile, pretty soon my husband called me and as I came downstairs there stood the salesman. My husband obviously didn’t see the note I left for him, but the salesman did.  At that point, the look that guy gave me sent shivers down my spine.  He was extremely angry.  He said nothing and stomped out of the house.  After he left, my husband asked me what was up with that….I pointed out the big note I had left him.  We both laughed pretty hard over it even though I was a little rattled over the look he gave me.

Years ago when I was a teen, a Kirby vacuum salesman came to our home.  My mother answered the door and told the guy she was  not interested.  He became extremely pushy and even trying to forcing himself into the door.  My mother had braced her foot against the door to keep him from getting in, but the guy was still trying.  This is where my father showed up and told the guy with “fist in the air” to get out or he would do something he regretted.  The guy left, but we soon  found out that he had been causing problems like this throughout the whole neighborhood.  We reported him and he never came back.

I am not sure what rigors Kirby goes through to train their salesmen, but they are the closest thing to Satan’s spawn I know of.  I don’t have a peep-hole on my front door and have opened the door to many a people  I would have preferred to keep the door shut on.  The Kirby salesman who came back later peeping in my daughter’s window was one of them.  I threatened Kirby that if one of their salesmen ever came back I would call the cops on them.  It didn’t stop them.  A few years later I had one show up that tried to force his way into my house.  He didn’t come right out and tell me the company he represented or else I would have followed through on my threat.  I refuse to let anyone in my home when I am here alone.  He was trying every means possible to get into my home to demonstrate a shampooer.  When I told him that I have a shampooer then he started on a vacuum, this is where the red flags started going up.  I immediately told him I was not interested, I was supposed to get a free set of knives despite the fact.  Eight years later and I have not received them.  It wasn’t until I got a follow-up phone call from Kirby that I realized that they were the company this guy represented.  I went off on them again and threatened them with a lawsuit. I haven’t seen them since, but that don’t mean they won’t try some other way to get in.  In 1992 a woman was raped by a Kirby salesmen.  In 2010 a Kirby salesman hit a poor man in the head with a handheld vacuum when he was asked to leave the property. These people are evil. The list of crimes these people commit against others is deplorable.

Next to these guys in line for the Satan’s Spawn title would be insurance salesmen. When my husband and I were newlyweds we had one show up on our doorstep.  I swear they scope the neighborhoods looking for new move ins. From the start I knew this guy was a scam artist.  He started his sales pitch by telling my husband and I all of his marriage problems.  I thought to myself…”Are you selling insurance or needing marriage counseling?”  If it was marriage counseling I would have told him his first mistake was telling complete strangers way too much information about his personal life.  My husband and I patiently sat through 3 hours of his going on and on about his life.  I was about ready to take a bullet just to put myself out of misery.  Neither one of us wanted to be mean because of the sad story he had just given us.  When he finally got around to selling the insurance, he  showed me a list of people who had signed up with him.  One name in particular jumped out at me.  It was a lady that I had used to work with that had cancer.  After the sucker left, I called  her and she told me she had no idea who this guy was and that he was lying.  He had somewhere gotten medical information about people that he was fraudulently using.  We thought we would not see the guy again after we told him we weren’t interested.  Nay, nay…a month or so later he showed up as we were leaving.  This time I let my husband do his thing and he pretty much told him where to go and how to get there.

The list goes on and on.  Salesmen remind me of Bill Clinton.  In what way you ask?  Bill Clinton seemed to think that there was more than one definition for the word “is” during his scandal with Monica Lewinsky. ????  What? Is? Salesmen seem to think that there is more than one definition for the word “No”.  Since a small babe in arms, I knew what no meant and if I did the opposite I would get it. Salesmen don’t seem to know how to differentiate between No and No.  Case in point:

Yesterday, someone knocked on my door.  I was expecting a delivery that I had to sign for.  Thought it was them only to find myself in that all too familiar uncomfortable spot of being face to face with a salesman.  The guy asked how I was doing…1st red flag…Then he was halfway up the sidewalk and I wasn’t sure why until he asked..”We are selling meat and wondered if you had ever bought from us?”  I said no and before I knew it he was running back to his truck to grab the other guy and boxes of meat.  Didn’t give me one chance to decline.  If I had a backbone, I would have shut the door and locked it just then.  They pretty much came right through my front door and headed for my kitchen…2nd red flag. I wondered how the guy knew where he was going.  This still disturbs me.  I kindly told him to come back to my front room.  Within seconds flat he had 10 boxes of meat out on the floor pitching  numbers and cost faster than you can say, “Bob’s yer Uncle”….3rd red flag.  He was trying to trick me into accepting his offer by asking me if I would use it…I thought what kind of stupid question is that.  If you buy food, don’t you usually eat it?  After he told me that the cost of meat would be $3000 for a 3 months supply, that was it.  I told him I did not have that kind of money. Then comes the “My boss will give you a deal” pitch.  I hate this by-the-way, it really insults what little intelligence I have.  I am thinking to myself, if your boss allows a deal then why  are you trying to scam people for double that cost….4th red flag.

Despite me telling him numerous times that I won’t buy he keeps going from one angle to the next.  Finally he asked if they were wasting their time.  I told him yes.  He then asks me to tell him a name of a friend to go sale to and in exchange I would get a free box of meat.  I absolutely refuse to do that to anyone.  The ironic thing is that this is a farming community where a lot of the people grow their own beef. Which I informed him hoping he would leave people alone.  I don’t think it phased him.

After they left, I yelled at myself for 2 hours about how stupid I was to let them walk right into my home.  If these two had bad intentions, I would have been in an extremely bad situation.  I have gone years without a “no solicitation” sign on my door, but decided to put one up yesterday because I am sick of the confrontations.  Ironically enough, my daughters were against this.  We had a warm 1 hour discussion on how I need to “man-up” and just get mean.  “Tell them no, mom” they said.  My dear sweet daughters don’t realize that doesn’t work.  They were embarrassed by everything I put on the sign.  I made it myself and was quite proud of it.

But…what makes me laugh at this whole thing….my daughter asked me to excuse her from her first hour today.  Why you ask? She received a love letter from a boy in that class and she didn’t want to face him.  Ironic isn’t it? My response…”Man-up you can’t avoid it forever”.  I then asked her if she wanted me to make her a sign.. in which she refused.

Are Shortcuts Worth The Trouble?

So a few months ago, I was so excited to get this amazing bed frame from a local thrift store.  When I got it home, I hurried and put it together to surprise my husband when he got home.

I noticed as I was putting up the bed that one of the boards on the bottom was loose.  I did foresee a problem with this, but decided to forge ahead and not worry about it.

About a month later, my husband sat on the bed and the board broke off.  We were so grateful this was not during the night.  We tore the bed apart and put one hundred (not really that many) screws in the board to hold it together.  We were impressed and thought it should do until we could get a new board.

Then comes 1:00 a.m. this morning.  I am sound asleep dreaming about trying to get away from my daughter’s dog who wanted to sleep in my bed when all of a sudden…THUD….the bed broke nearly dropping my husband and I 6 inches to the floor.

My heart was pounding so hard. This by far is not a good way to get woken up.  We scrounged through the house and found some food storage cans to hold up the side of the bed which broke, which also happened to be my husband’s side.  It was not level and leaned too much to one side, but it was the best that was going to be at 1:00 in the morning.

Can I say that memory foam is the best kind of mattress in situations like this.  It acted like Velcro and kept me from rolling completely over my husband side up and over him and down onto the floor.  My body imprint held me in place. My daughter’s dog, on the other hand, which happened to be in our bed last night, kept rolling on top of my husband.  We were both too tired to get her out of the bed and I felt my husband shove her more than once “up the hill” during the night all the while mumbling unintelligible words. Honestly..I don’t think I wanted to know what he was saying.

The lesson learned from this, if you foresee a future problem, do the necessary steps to fix it immediately or you might end up at 1:00 in the morning wondering what hit you.

Can I Embarrass Myself Enough?

I grew up in a family that enjoyed having a good time.  My brothers were constantly pranking us five girls.  Of course we would always pay back. One particular week stands out more than others when one of my brothers was off work and made our lives miserable.  In the process we all started pranking each other something terrible.  My father even got in the action.  Which was out of the norm.  Usually Mom was the one who would go toilet papering with us kids and other “various activities”, all good and legal fun (at least it was legal back then). Toilet papering was our favorite thing to do. If you got toilet papered, you were the coolest people on the block. I remember my friend and I saving up tons of paper towel and toilet paper to get a boy’s house that I had “liked”.  I remember one buying spree prompted the store checker to ask us what we were up to….we just smiled.  Admitted nothing.

This  particular week off for my brother was a nightmare for the rest of us.  We would find the neck and arm holes of our pajamas sewn shut when we put them on.  We found the legs of our nylons sewn together.  My mom found her clothes missing (that was my dad), my brother found a brazier in his gym bag while he was in the boys locker…(this was a  good one).  My sister found a fake snake in her bed and we found fake spiders (that looked very real) hanging from our ceilings.  We were renting this home and the basement was unfinished.  My father had been in the military and somewhere my parents had picked up military cots for us to sleep on.  We came home from school to find all of these nailed to the beams on the ceiling. We came home and found our beds outside..this was in the winter.  We got my brother back by hanging all of his clothes off the roof of the house, including his tidy whiteys.  We put vinegar in his cologne….(I think this made my extremely patient brother upset) At this point, things were getting out of hand. We knew my father had had enough when we built a snowman in the front yard and instead of using a broom, we used a toilet plunger.  This did not sit well with him.

One prank that went bad was my sister had put shoes above a door that led downstairs hoping that she would nail someone in the head when they opened the door.  Well she did alright….the telephone repairman.  Nailed him good she did, then she blamed it on the younger, less-defensive siblings.

Anyway..this  is kind of the way my family is.  One of my sisters imparticular will call and give any child of mine that answers the phone…including my husband….a good teasing about one thing or another before asking for me.  I pretty much do the same to her children or my other sister’s children. There have been times when she or I or another sister will pass on the street and pull the old “finger up the nose” gag to be funny.  These types of things are just normal for us.

The other day, my sister called asking me to help my nephew do his taxes.  She gave me his cell phone number and I gave him a call.  I was half way through giving him crap about how I work cheap, etc…when the voice on the other end told me I had the wrong number.  Well…that was embarrassing.  If we weren’t always trying to pull one over on each other, then things like this wouldn’t happen.  Take today for instance:

I went to help my sister do something for my father.  She left before I did, but I came upon her at an intersection.  As I came closer, I decided I was really going to get her good.  She was directly behind a truck that was waiting to make a left hand turn.  There was no one in front of me and I was going straight.  I went really slow and stopped right by her.  I stuck my finger up my nose as far as I could get it and put the stupidest look I could conjure up on my face.  I sat there right next to her knowing full well she would see the color of my car and turn and look.  Sure enough, when I turned to see the look on her face half expecting her finger to be up her nose too…I came face to face with an irate looking woman who did not resemble my sister at all.

I don’t think I have ever covered my identity as fast as I did at that moment.  I sat there thinking to myself…”idiot, idiot, idiot”.  How could I mistake that car for my sister.  I ran through my head where the car was exact make, model and color.  Her big hair looked like my sister’s big hair from the back……yada yada yada..

If I was not constantly trying to pull one over on somebody, stupid things like this would not happen to me.  Next time, I will be more cautious.  I will drive up slowly take a good look to make sure it is who I think it is…then I will shove my finger up my nose.  Problem solved.

So the saying “Jumpier than a one-legged man in a butt kicken contest” could not describe me more.  I don’t like being scared.  Nothing is worse than watching a scary movie and having someone scare you just before you are “supposed” to get scared or having someone come up behind you unexpectedly.  I had an incident that happened to me a few years ago that almost ruined my life as I know it.

I used to walk religiously at 6:00 a.m. everyday, 6 days a week.  Never missed.  With this came the ability to recognize cars and know when they pass.  Most of them would pass me at the same time of morning.  One particular morning I was walking and I came upon this really sharp corner.  I heard this truck coming and I knew how this particular driver drove.  I decided to cross the street rather than run the risk of this kid hitting me on the inside corner.

As I crossed the road and turned the corner, there sat a car that was not supposed to be there.  I immediately recognized it as a car that should have been passing me about 30 minutes later from this time.  I didn’t realize that someone was in the car until I walked by.  Thanks to the crazy kid driver in the truck, I was not forced to walk directly by the car, I was  on the other side of the road.  When I realized someone was in the car and it was parked behind some piles of dirt, things started feeling weird to me.  All the hairs on my neck started standing up and I knew that something was not right with the situation.  I immediately pulled out my cell phone and called me sister who lived across the street from me.  My husband was at work and I needed someone quick.  While not letting this guy know I suspected anything, I kept walking in the same direction.  He pulled out and turned the corner only to turn around and come back up the street behind me.

I held my breath and walked as fast as I could, all the time waiting for my brother-in-law to show up.  The car drove by me slowly and as soon as it was a hundred feet or so in front of me, I turned and hauled butt so fast that I nearly sat the road on fire.  My brother-in-law was just up the street and got me just seconds from the time I turned around.

I learned from this experience to never be predictable in some situations.  I also have become extremely jumpy and I blame a lot of it on this situation and also from a lot of break-ins or attempted break-ins to the homes I lived in as a kid.  I have many weapons by my bed and my husband is scared to come into the house unannounced.

Well, tonight he unexpectedly got me real good.  I think he knows when he can scare me and not have the carp beat out of him as opposed to, “I know better than to do it to her now”.

We were going to go look at a couch a lady was selling and my son was riding with me, while my husband was riding with our neighbor.  We were at our the house just getting ready to leave when my sons says, “Mom, did you check the car to make sure no one was in it?”  I told him no, that dad had just been in the Durango and I knew no one was in there.  “Still”, he said, we should check.  This was more for his benefit I think.  He turned on the inside light while we sat in the seats and looked behind and then turned off the light.  All the while telling me that I should check things like that. While we were thus having this conversation, unbeknownst to me, my husband had walked up to the truck and knocked on my window.  It was dark outside and I could barely see him.

Can I just say that I absolutely needed a new pair of pants.  I nearly jumped into my son’s lap.  My husband was lucky I wasn’t packing any “heat”.  We were a couple of miles up the road before my heart stopped pounding.

This little side effect I have has been a joke in the family.  A couple of Halloween’s ago, I was at my sister’s house and we had just got done doing the whole trick-or-treating thing.  We walked out the door to leave and me being completely stupid did not notice when my husband opened the door that my nieces husband was hiding in the back seat with a mask on.  I was laughing and joking with the family and jumped in the car.  No one else got in.  I wondered for a split second what was taking them so long.  I looked out my window and then turned to look at the driver side door to see where my husband was, when I came face to face with “The Mask”.  I screamed a blood curdling scream, leapt out of the car nearly slamming the nephew in the door.  This nearly killed me.  I cannot begin to tell you had long after this incident I shook.  The closest thing to a near death experience he and I may ever experience.

Try as I might, I cannot overcome this problem.  I just get more weapons to add to my arsenal.  I really don’t think this is helping the situation.  A jumpy woman with loads of weapons is an accident waiting to happen.  Perhaps someday I will be the one getting the last laugh.  Perhaps…..

My Mother, may she rest in peace, had an immaculate home.  Nothing ever out of place.  It was not always like that.  There were seven kids and she had her moments.  I remember a story she told of getting a call that someone was coming over and the house was a mess.  She had to “cram for the examine” so to speak before the company arrived.  She found the closest room to get rid of things and stuffed everything inside.  I guess that the company complimented her on how well she kept the house up with so many little kids.  This particlular incident made my mother into the “Clean House Nazi”.  She taught us kids to be clean, neat and organized.  I used to be, until I had children.

I know there would be days that if she saw my home she would roll over in her grave.  She is probably looking down on me from Heaven telling to pull it together.

I do know that over the years of having kids, I have gained a lot of patience and I tolerate more than perhaps what I should. Case in point:  A couple of months ago, we bought an electric scooter from a thrift store to help save gas.  It is mostly for the kids to get to their friends house, etc.  My son came flying through my kitchen on it the other day, almost running me over.  I just looked at him with that look that says, “Really?”.  He informs me that there aren’t many mother’s who allow their children to drive the scooter through the house.  What I didn’t tell him is that He has taught me more patience than my other children.

Well, this lead to a choice that I made that should have put me in the child category instead of parent category.  I walked through my house and saw the scooter plugged in.  I decided to climb aboard and just sit on it.  Then the thought occured to me that perhaps one of my dogs would love a ride on this thing.

I called one of them and stuck it on the foot rest and gassed it.  I didn’t want her jumping off while I was going.  Well….that was a stupid thought, because she did jump off.  Out of fear of smashing her flat, I swerved and lost control of the scooter, flew down the hall and into my daughter’s bedroom hitting her keyboard and almost knocking it onto the floor.  In the panic of everything, I forgot it had brakes.

I wish I would have been alone when this happened, but my 19 year old daughter was in her room next to the room I went plowing through.  According to her…”All I saw was legs flailing and heard screaming”.  Dang it.  I didn’t want an eyewitness to this at all.  Not even sure what possessed me to try it to begin with.  It goes about 15 mph.  I probably topped off at 17 through the hall judging by how long it took me to stop and how much damage I did.

I won’t even begin to explain why I attempted this.  I don’t even have the answer for that.

Little Unknown Use for Hair Wax

In continuing my quest for some resemblance of sanity this Christmas season, I have not found any solace.  If I keep doing stupid things I am never going to recover.

Yesterday I was asked to say the opening prayer in church.  So I decided to sit on the stand before church started so that I wouldn’t have to walk up during the opening song and draw extra attention to myself.  Well….despite my best efforts to not draw that extra attention to myself, I went to sit down on the folding seat right when it folded back up.  I fell to the floor grabbing the chair in front of me which startled the young man who occupied it.  I then had to apologize for my complete and utter stupidity.  This ranks in the top 10 worst things that can happen to you while wearing a dress.

To add to my frustration, I was so excited to win a pair of snowboard pants for my son on eBay. They were Italian made and I got them for $11.  Whoohoo! I had contacted the seller to see what the inseam length was.  I opened my email this morning only to find out that I had purchased my son a pair of Lederhosen snowpants.  He is 6′ 1″ and the inseam was 24 inches.  Not going to happen.  No amount of stretching will get that kid into those pants.

I then discovered this morning a new use for hair wax.  To give your armpit hairs that piecey, modern look that is the rage all these days, apply hair wax instead of deodorant.  Of course this won’t work if you shave your armpits…(which I do).  So in that case, it turns out to be only a case of mistaken identity that  should never be used.  It only glues your armpit to itself.    Leaving you to wonder……”What the carp did I just do to myself?”

Uuuggghh!  Will this ever end???

There are times when I do things that I really wonder what I am thinking when I decided to do it.  Today I did something that I know a forty+ year old woman probably should have thought completely through before attempting.

I am a true believer in playing with my kids.  I will try a lot of things and perhaps some that I shouldn’t.  I have done more things as a mother than I never did as a teen.  I believe in being involved in my kids’ life so I know what their likes and dislikes are.  My kids are quite varied in the things they like to do.  So I have done a few things that perhaps some parents wouldn’t do.

I have played video games with my boys because that is like what they do.  I do have to ask what the controls do each time.  But I have been banned from Modern Warfare because my sons don’t like the idea that I prefer shooting the vending machines, cash registers, condiments, beagles and TV’s.  I get a weird thrill out of that.  My son’s don’t appreciate it.  I am the queen of Battlefront.  I hold the headshot record. Yesssss!

I live in Utah.  As a youngster, I loved tubing, skiing, ice skating and other various winter sports.  I usually ended up getting hurt because of stupid ideas.  The last time I went skiing (30 years) I ran a girl over and decided that was not the profession for me.  Then I tried ice skating earlier this year for the first time after 30 years.  I nearly took out a baby in a stroller. Nearly got banned from the ice rink after that.  When I was younger my brother had built a snowmobile out of wood and skis.  He then got my brother, sister and I to go to the tubing hill with him.  He welded the skis on to the box thus making this thing heavier than an ox.  It took all four of us to get the thing up the hill.  It was heavy to get much speed, so we built a jump at the bottom of the hill and then would have my brother lay on the other side for us to try to jump him.   We could have killed him.  This was not smart, nor was it my idea.  My brother almost sent a lot of us to the “other side” with his hairbrained ideas.  I usually liked trying a lot of things as a youth because I could bounce back physically better if I a happened to get injured.  That doesn’t happen as much as I am more “mature”.  The old body gets hammered a lot easier.

In comes today’s complete brain fart.  My son has been wanting a Banshee Bungi.  If you don’t know what that is, it is a stretchable rope thing that you stretch out for someone to hold to the other end.  It launches said person across the lawn or other various other things at a pretty good rate of speed.  Well yesterday we got 10 inches of snowed dumped on us.  So my son has been chomping at the bit to get out on the snowboard.  Since we don’t have a lot of snow on the hilly areas, it isn’t good for snow activities so today he calls his buddy who owns one.  This is the first time my son tried it out even though he has been wanting one for months.

At  some point, they needed an extra person to help stretch the bungi because of how “strong” I volunteered (Not).  Anyway, it looked pretty fun.  I have never snowboarded, I used to skateboard in elementary school and true to form..did some pretty stupid things.  I had good balance.  It isn’t like that now.  The southerly gravitational pull that starts occurring at age 35 does something to the equilibrium.  After helping these boys a few times, I decided I wanted to try.  When I first stepped into the board that should have been a clue.  Did I stop there?…heck no!  I had to make a complete fool of myself before quitting.

I grabbed the rope and not only had I never been on a snowboard, but I was actually going to try the jump that had been built.  Snowplow is the only word that comes to mind that would describe my move.  I am not talking about the skiing “snowplow”  I am talking about the ones that go up and down the road.  I was wearing a snowsuit and I hit so hard I actually found snow in my pant pockets.  I nearly ate the entire path.  I won’t need a drink of water for weeks.  So what happens?  I get up and am told by my son and his friend to try it again.  Not sure if it was because they wanted to see me eat it again or what.  I had set the goal to go further than the original two feet.  I probably made three feet the second time before burying myself three feet under.  I have parts that are slowly starting to stiffen up.  Someday I might actually grow up and find these activities too much, but then what would I give my children to laugh about right?

So my morning has been a memorable one.  It is funny how one thing going wrong (i.e. alarm not going off) can lead to poor choices.

I woke to my alarm this morning realizing that my daughter, who should have been up an hour before me, was not up.  Panic set in and I flew out of bed to go get her up.  This one incident led to a choice I had to make this morning that I never care to make again.

Because I have teen daughters, I pretty much can tell when I can push things with them or not.  This morning was definitely a NOT.

My sons have to be on the bus at 6:50 a.m.  I have to be to school at 7:00 a.m.  My daughter is supposed to be to school at 6:30 and my other daughter has to be to work at 8:00.  So you see how one little thing go wrong in my morning and it is a disaster.

I got my sons fed and my daughter was still in MY shower, so I was forced to used the kid’s bathroom to shower.  I figured if I didn’t shower before the boys got on the bus, there was no way I was going to make it to school on time.  So I hurried and jumped into the shower in the kid’s bathroom without really assessing the situation like I should have.  I saw bottles of soap in there, but didn’t check to see if they were full.

In mid shower I realized I had no soap or shampoo.  This is bad people, real bad.  There was one bottle of soap in there and it was my only choice.  I knew given the situation of my daughter that there was no way I was getting soap out of my bathroom.  I knew she would not let my sons in there and my other daughter was still in bed.

I sat there looking at this bottle trying to pick my brain on how I got in this situation.  I finally realized I had no choice but to use this soap.  It was dog shampoo people.  Dog shampoo.  Is this what I have been lowered to in my own home?

It was supposed to be green apple scented…it just didn’t smell like green apple.  It may smell good on a dog, but it don’t on people.  I hurried and used it and got out, smelling that stuff everywhere I went.  No amount of perfume, hairspray or hair product could get rid of that smell.  Maybe it was more of a mental thing than anything else, knowing I had used dog shampoo.  I don’t know.

Even though this is supposed to give dogs shiny coats….does not do anything for people “coats”.  My hair looks like a cat has ratted it up and nested in it. It is so out of control.

Today I will avoid all eye contact with anyone thus avoiding any stares at this rug on my head and hope that no one can smell the weird fermented apple smell coming off of me. 

The only good thing that has come from this….It was anti-bacterial.  So I guess I just took care of the “cooties” that I was informed I had when I was in fourth grade.

Yuck, yuck, yuck!

Death By Dog

I love Sunday’s.  It is my day of rest.  No worries, no cares…usually.  Yesterday was more stressful than usual. I fed my family, put my husband to bed because he had to go into work and then I kicked back in the recliner for a little nap.  It was short-lived.

When I sit down or lay down within 1 minute I am covered in dogs.  Since it has turned off cold the dogs have decided that I am their own personal electric blanket.  Yesterday I had kicked back less than 30 seconds when they came running.  Aaaaarrrgh!

It doesn’t matter if there is room or not, they try to fit their fat lard bodies into any crevasse they can find.  While laying there, they both looked perfectly comfortable.  Neither one of them cared that I was cramping up in various positions and in body parts because of them.  Someone came into the kitchen and opened the fridge thus enticing one of the lard balls to parkour it off of my lap diving for the fridge before it shut.  When she left the lap position she was in, the other lard ball took her place within 1.2 seconds.  Sprawled out and went to sleep within 0.2 seconds.

When the first dog came back to regain her warm spot on my lap she realized it had been stolen.  If dogs could talk, I am sure a whole string of insults would have come out of her mouth at that moment.  At this point I was in and out of sleep.  Waking slightly every time one of them moved.  She decided to take the only available spot.  Thing is….there was no available spot, she invented one.

Can I just say that dogs are no respecters of body parts.  They don’t care where or what they step on.  As I lay there in a slumber, the dog who lost her spot decided she wanted on the back of the chair.  She stepped on my neck, then my face and then parted my scalp trying to get comfortable on top of the chair.  Not to mention pulling out half of my hair.  At this point I was ready to throw both of them out into the cold just to make a point.  That they don’t own the house, my head, the furniture, the fridge, the bathroom or my bed despite what they think.

She finally made it to the top and settled down and I dozed off again after giving her a “scotch blessing” as my mother would call it.  I am still suffering from what happened next.  The only thing I can think of is that she started falling off of the chair and started kicking to grip with her claws to keep herself on.  In the process I was kicked in the temple about 4 times the hard part of her back knee.  People die from that you know.

I lay there moaning because despite how skinny a pug’s leg is..it has a lot of strength in it.  Twenty four hours later and my temple is still throbbing.

Later on  my son was laying on the floor and got attacked by both of them.  They had one shirt sleeve in one mouth and his shorts in the other.  He was yelling for help in between laughs.  He called for me to rescue them.  When I got in the room, I felt like I was watching a nature show with two grizzlies going at each other.  I threatened to video tape them and make it viral thus starting the beginning of the extinction of pugs entirely because no one would want one after seeing that behavior.  I don’t think the threat was taken seriously in any way, shape or form.